Sahm and relationship

[123ell]

I am a sahm to a little boy who does 100% of the housework even to the point I pick my boyfriends clothes and towel off of the bathroom floor after he showers. I just get on with it because he works extremely long hours, provides everything and is a brilliant dad and does care about me a lot! But it’s now getting to the point I feel like the respect is going. He has a habit of saying things like ‘you clean this up it’s what your good at’ he says this is a joke but knows full well how this makes me feel but continues to remind me it’s just a joke. We’ve had our fair share of difficult times due to how tired and uninterested he is from his long hours at work, to discover the reason he gets up at 3:45 am is to spend an hour meditating and going to the gym before work every single day. Knowing the strain this has put on our relationship and saying he hasn’t given any of it up to get up later because he needs this to get through his day. Which is clearly more important than my needs. I enjoy being a sahm but I do not enjoy the disrespect I feel which comes with it. I feel my worries and feelings are dismissed and I’m just seen as the cleaner and cook as that’s what he likes to remind me I’m good at. Sorry if this seems as though it’s a rant just looking for some input.

What is the point of you and he being together at all?. I can see the attractions for him most certainly, but you?. What are you getting out of this relationship exactly?. Your relationship bar is so very low here and you've reduced yourself to the level of being his skivvy. Do you not think you work long hours either; who gives you a break?. He likely does not and he certainly does not have any respect for you. You barely have any respect for your own self and you've also let him take the piss big time.

Women in poor relationships write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Is your son this man's child?. What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here from you two?. You're showing your child that currently this is acceptable to you and that its your job as a female to pick up after a lazy ass of a man.

Society in general does not place a high value on caring and nurturing children. Your partner's attitude is a symptom of this. Even though how you raise and care for your child is vitally important for shaping the next generation and the type if society we live in.
Your job in caring for your son and making a home for your family is a very important one. You are not your partner's slave , you are an equal in the relationship. Your part is as necessary as his in the running of your lives.
I think you should change your mindset . For a start stop picking up his dirty clothes/ towels. That is gross behaviour on his part. No adult worth any respect would treat his partner like that. Try and carve out space for you to regain a sense of who you are- I think when you are looking after babies and small children it's easy to lose a sense of your own identity and worth because you are prioritising their needs over yours
Try and stand up for yourself and tell your partner what you need from the relationship.

I think like previously said - what are you getting from the relationship? I’m assuming financial support, but apart from that what else?
Maybe ask yourself questions like:
Does he make you feel like you’re a priority to him? Do you feel like you’re in a team / partnership? Does he make an effort to make you happy?
At the minute it doesn’t sound like you’re in a relationship to be honest. It sounds like you’re a SAHM and have a housemate 🤷🏻‍♀️
If that’s not what you want then you need to have a proper conversation with him about it. And don’t accept him saying it’s a joke. You need him to know that you don’t feel valued.

Ffs op he has zero respect for you and isnt even that fussed about his child.

even to the point I pick my boyfriends clothes and towel off of the bathroom floor after he showers
i wouldnt even allow my children when toddlers to get away with this!

We both work long hours literally keeping desperately ill people alive.

We still clean up after ourselves. This is what adults do no matter what their job, no matter what their hours.

This person is showing contempt to you.

‘you clean this up it’s what your good at’

Are you fucking kidding me?

I am a SAHM with toddler ds, I'm pregnant and have a dp who works abroad more than half the year and anywhere in the uk the rest of the time - so the house and cleaning up after everyone else is my responsibility
However, my dp knows my role is the homemaker and caretaker. Not his skivvy and cleaner there to wait on him (it's my choice to do)
He would never disrespect me and order me to clean anything, ever.

Christ what a piece of shit he is. But you need to understand this is how he sees you and you do something he has no desire to do. Picking up after him though, god knows why you do that.

we both work, we don’t behave like we have slaves, we tidy up after ourselves, I’ve a cleaner, I don’t speak to her that way, I treat her with respect, and if I did, I’d expect her to quit on the spot.

he thinks you’ve taken on the role of skivvy, he doesn’t respect you for picking up after him as much as you do, so stop doing it. He isn’t a child. You’re not his mother, and you’re not the help. So you need to also take some responsibility here, tell him to pick his own shit up.

So he's treating you like his support human. Nice.

Sorry OP but you need to get yourself back to an independent financial situation.

You are not married so therefore have absolutely no rights in law right now if you are in the UK.

How old is your DS? Are you able to get yourself back to work?

You don’t work, you’re not married - are you crazy, have you not read some of the threads on here?! Get a job op. He’s treating you like shit because he can, you are financially vulnerable and he knows it. Get a job, and get TF out of this abusive relationship, he doesn’t respect or care for you, sorry.

He sees you as his maid. You are in a very vulnerable position, because once the respect goes, he’ll be looking for sex elsewhere. And you’re not married and you don’t work. You need to think of the future and start making provisions for yourself and your child.

I’m a sahm

when my husband is working I do all the cleaning, tidying, cooking etc.

on his days off I still do the cooking (mainly because I’m great and he isn’t 😂) but he helps with the tidying, cleaning, washing etc if need be and he does his equal share of parenting. He is an amazing dad, works hard, makes sure I’m looked after and cares for me. He is also aware of the hard work I do

he would never talk like that to me nor would he make a “joke” that he knows upsets me.

there is a huge difference between being a sahm and being a slave OP and it certainly does seem like your partner doesn’t respect or value what you do.

I would have a serious chat with him and consider leaving.

do you have any finances to yourself?

Can I ask the problem with him getting up at 345am? At least he's doing these things at a time when he's likely not needed.

I do the same with my clothes after the shower but I don't expect my partner to pick them up. But sometimes they can be there for days it just doesn't bother me .

One parent being a SAHP only works if the other parent fully respects and values their contribution, which clearly isn't the case here. You need to go back to work OP and make sure he pays his share of the childcare costs.

As soon as women have children without been married they are financially vulnerable and like you said the guy knows it.

Not just financially but just in general, how far have you got to be pushed to leave a man you have kids with leaving you to find a new home new childcare arrangements having to deal with a step mum chasing them for payments. And eventually meeting someone else who likely has there own children too then dealing with there ex and been a stepmum to there kids. Then what if that relationship doesn't work out. Then as get older you have no or a small pension while the man who you left has all of his to himself and new family and can retire early while you work to pension age because you have no choice.

This is simply not true if a woman is financially stable . Millions of woman across the world work and raise kids alone. It is true if the woman stops working and relies on a partner to provide. It doesn’t get any more vulnerable than that. But even married any woman who stops working is vulnerable. Marriages end. Often.

Ok I am a SAHM, have been since I went on maternity leave with eldest about 16 years ago. Now at the stage H earns enough money, with enough pension contributions he is looking to retire so salary work for me isn't a necessity nor any longer a desire. I inherited a property I rent out, we are keeping it ticking over with intention if needed to sell it for house deposits for kids maybe, while to go yet. So I do have some independent cash.

I do almost everything in the house I don't expect H to do anything, but he does bits and pieces. The difference being is he knows how much hard work a home with two kids is. This arrangement works because he can pull in much greater wages than me and all his time at home is leisure.

He is a good dad because he's a good man. He never says anything derogatory about or to me, makes our kids understand how much work I do. He is thankful I guess everyday I do all his domestic stuff and admin and appointments for all.

The only thing I would say OP is you aren't married, we are, and whilst people say it's just a piece of paper it's a very important one. We are both on the deeds of the house and both named on the pension. You have no legal rights to any of his cash except child maintenance if you split. You are in a financially vulnerable position as you are.

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He isn't a good dad if he's not a good man to the mum.

Picking up towels is no bother but you need to make you arrangements more secure for you.

Either insist on getting married, just registry with a witness will do, or go back to work.

I just wouldn't trust a boyfriend who was beginning to expect his mess cleared up to do the right thing if you split. It just doesn't add up.

My H came home from a long day at work when the kids were little, played and read to them. He was gutted if they were asleep if he was back late. He took them into school during primary because he could and wanted to. He took them swimming and sports at weekend, spent hours kicking balls, played cars, donkey, went to every nativity, assembly he could, arranged days out, played all holiday, watched sport and endless Disney movies with them.

What he didn't do was get up alone, meditate, leave the house to go to the gym, told me to clean up it's what you're good at. He wanted to spend every minute with his babies, still does, and me, and still appreciates everything I do for him and the kids.

So I am one SAHM who doesn't feel vulnerable, unappreciated, lesser. But it's because of how he was towards me. You haven't got that and I am not sure you will as your bf is so far from what H is and was. There is no balance for you. If I were you I would go back to work and split household and childcare more evenly.

Holy crap OP is this real?
Stop picking his dirty laundry up. That is the height of complete disrespect he shows there and he’s doing it absolutely deliberately.

Sadly with this man, the price you are paying for being a SAHM with his child is him thinking you are the live-in help doing chores for your keep. What a c*.

All of this should have been discussed before you made the decision to have a baby and stop working without getting married. You could perhaps attempt to have that conversation now?

You have to decide if being a SAHM is worth it with this man. Personally I would say not. Your child grows up seeing you treated like shit and sees that women can’t be independent financially. You are less and less employable in well paid jobs as the years go by. You aren’t building up a workplace pension or contributing to a state one. You are more and more dependent on him financially. He’ll treat you even worse. He’ll cheat almost certainly as he won’t have any respect.

I would consider looking for work sooner rather than later depending on age of DC. Don’t get pregnant to him again. Speak to a solicitor about what you are entitled to. Never ever clean any mess he makes again if he tells you to. I would say ‘no. I clean up my mess and our DC mess, but you are an adult and you can clean your own’.

Get your act together OP before more years slip by.
💐

I haven't read all the comments so I might be repeating what's been said but you are in a terrible position. You are not married. If you split he will have built his career off the back of you doing all the domestic work. Will owe you NOTHING. He will have to pay a derisory sum of CMS and you will be left high and dry.

Please get a job. Tell him childcare and domestic work needs to be paid for out if his salary for now until you build up your career because he has been enabled to build up hys by you.