Please help me get my ducks in a row... partner is scaring me

[Chairmanmeoow]

I've read threads like this in the past but never thought it would be me. This is really long but I'm trying to get my thoughts straight.
Been with partner for nearly 20yr. I'm 38. We have 3 kids, 2 primary school age and a young baby.
We're not married. This never worried me as both pretty high earners but after baby 2 I went part time and now I'm on mat leave.
I've had severe PND this time and my partner has frankly been awful. Won't engage or help me at all. We live in Scotland, older kids settled in school and when I return from ML my job is secure. However he's been offered a higher paying job in England and it's taken me ages to make him understand I don't want to go. Last night it all came to a head,he screamed in my face while I was holding the baby and then went off and packed a suitcase. He's gone off to work now (he works shifts). I've said that if he is unhappy at work and wants to be a SAHD, I can up my hours when I go back and support us all but that made him angrier. I have no idea if he's leaving me or not but I'm scared and anxious and need to start thinking practically.

1. We own our house jointly. Have mirror wills, PoA etc.
2. I now earn a lot less than him (not the case til about 4yr ago)
3. We each have separate accounts and a joint account for a few bills we pay into.
4. I pay the mortgage and most of our bills out of my account and he sends me money for his half each month. Despite our earnings no longer being equal, he only ever pays half the bills.
5. He has always been crap with finances and I suspect he has more money than he says- he is a military reservist as well as his FT job and also owns a rental property abroad.
6. He's a dual EU and British citizen, the kids have 2 passports too.

I actually think I've probably been being financially shafted for years in a boiling a frog way. He often let's our joint account go into an unauthorised overdraft and I have to top it up. He never ever buys stuff like clothes or nappies for the kids and he doesn't pay for the older ones clubs.

I love him but he frightened me last night. He has never been physically abusive.

What do I need to do now? I'm not leaving my house but I don't think he'll go either. I think I could afford it myself once I go back to work (just). He can't take the kids to England if he takes this job can he? The baby is EBF. I think I need a family lawyer - but what do I need to ask for? Please help, vipers.

I'm sorry I don't really have the answers to your questions but I'm hoping to bump your post for you.

he screamed in my face while I was holding the baby

This is abuse, and very threatening and violent behaviour it is too even if he didn't physically touch you. You have also correctly identified his financial abuse of you, and his refusal to pull his weight at home and with his own children. is abusive too. Whether or not he plans to leave you, you should make plans to leave him.

Be aware that abuse always escalates, it never gets better and it never stays the same. Leaving is a risky time, is there an equivalent to Women's Aid in Scotland? I would ring them for advice. How secure are the children's passports? I would remove them from the house to a safe place, like a friend's home.

Apologies for brusque sounding message, I am in a rush but didn't want to read and run. I hope some of this is helpful for you. You (and your children) do not deserve to be treated like this.

I think you should seek some legal advice. I don't know anything about laws in Scotland so it's difficult to advise!

He sounds awful though so I'm sorry you're going through this.

If he wants to go and work in England, would this be the perfect opportunity to split? Get the house on the market etc, but only once you've had some legal advice!

You are talking about finances like you want to leave him and need to know what you'll have coming in.

And you have some fear and physical threat coming in.

And he has gone and you don't know when he will be back or what mood he will be in.

When you fight before, does he keep it going or calm down and be contrite? If he will keep it going, maybe you need to pack a bag yourself.

If you are at all scared, ring 999 and give location. Keep mobile charged and nearby.

Ramp things DOWN with him if you cannot trust him to be honest to. If he is going to flare up in your face, do what you can to appease him not out of truth, but out of safe keeping. This does of course mean you are then openly in a not safe relationship and need to take steps to leave.

Perhaps you want to give it a few days and tell him that you want to split up and he can move away for his career if he wants to.

You then really need to focus on your mental headspace - MUCH easier if he is partly to blame for it, and he will soon be away, and you will soon be happier and safer - but for now focus on keeping yourself straight, for you will need to go back to work to earn the money you're going to need for your children.

You'll have equity in the house I expect and you will need to earn money, and will he pay some? Maybe, maybe he will fight you. Phrase it that it's for the babies, not for you, and ramp any disagreements down when discussing money, and perhaps save them for the professionals when he has moved out and gone to his new job.

Basically, feel your way through, and keep an eye on your safety, and get yourself back to work xxx don't engage with arguments if you suspect they will lead to violence, and get to safety quickly if you need to.

Op l don't know about laws in Scotland.
However go and see a good solicitor straight away, look on entitled to the benefits calculator, do a budget assuming you are suddenly on your own.

These three things will help you make decisions.

BTW his behaviour justifies leaving it is abuse. I am so sorry.

Just coming on the message you my condolences op.

I don't think there's anything to love about a man like this.

I'd be inclined to get the house on the market ASAP.

If it wasn't for the screaming in your face I'd be inclined to say that perhaps you can play him, make him think you will move to England if only he buys the next property? As soon as your property sells and you get your share of the money (make sure it comes directly from the solicitor and not to him first) dump him and move to a rental or whatever you'd got without his knowledge until you can sort something else.

But as is, I don't think that's safe. I think you'd be wise to get out of there fast.

Maybe if he wants to go to England he'd agree to sell anyway? My guess would be he'll make things difficult out of spite though.

Do you have any family that can be with you when you tell him it's over?

Thanks all. I really don't want to sell the house, I think I could afford to buy him out. Its in the catchment for a fab school, near my work etc etc. I've taken the kids to visit family this weekend but I'm not sure what to do next

My next move would be to hide the kids passports if he has duel citizenship, get all the important documents together and work on leaving.

I'd also hid the kids passports and birth certificate.

I think you need to contact woman's aid. https://womensaid.scot/contact-us/ this is the Scottish one. At least they will give you accurate advice. He's abusing you verbally and financially. You shouldn't be paying 50:50 if youre maternity leave. You take a hit financially because you had his kid.

I'd be thinking inclined to remove the money from the joint account. You might want to ask them to stop the overdraft on it. I wouldn't want to be on the hook for someone else's spending. I don't think you'll be able to close the account but you could try.