Friendship break up

[nameshame24]

Just wanting to start a thread on friendship break ups and what other peoples experiences have been on this and how they feel now.
I had a friendship breakup 6 years ago now with a very good friend who I'd helped through some really awful times and because of this we had a very strong bond. Sadly she turned to drugs around about the same time I had a baby and got PND so our lives went in two separate directions, neither of us bothered with each other for months (in my defence at the time I had no idea she had gone down the drug path until later on). Time went on and we have spoken since about our friendship breakdown, she's apologised to me and told me she will always love me and I've really wanted us to get back on track and tried to do that but I got nothing back from her so after a fair few attempts of trying to meet up and start conversation over message I've given up.
She's fine now, has a child herself, no longer on drugs and has a good career. I just miss her still a lot and really struggle to come to terms with it all. I don't think it helps that my best friend is also her best friend (we used to be a trio) so that hurts as well.

Hi- thanks for starting this thread. I often feel that my friendship issues dominate
My life in an unhealthy way. I find it hard to let go of friendships, analyse whether friends really like me or not, count how many times they are in touch with me versus me in touch with them, etc. weirdly, I don't feel this way about my family or partner.
Recently I've had a bit of a breakdown with a close friend which has been a long time coming and it's on my mind a lot. I do think sometimes once the friendship has died it cannot really be revived.

Had a best friend of 10 years. We’d worked together, holidayed together (both just us and she’s joined some of my family holidays), she’d attended some special family occasions (big birthdays, weddings etc), at one point, I even moved in with her and her Mum for a short time after a break up.

At my 30th Birthday party, she was one of the people involved in an argument that ended up with me almost having a physical altercation with my boyfriend’s (now husband’s) best friend when defending her honour, with the police being called and the party ending early. Whilst she certainly wasn’t the only guilty party involved in the drama, it became apparent afterwards having spoken to a number of other friends and family who’d witnessed the events, that much of root cause of the situation was due to her behaviour and the nasty/pointed comments she had been directing towards my DH all night.

When I spoke to her a few days later, I got a lukewarm apology and didn’t feel she took any real accountability for her actions and role in it. Regardless, I chose to accept her apology and move on as she was my best friend and our relationship was important to me.

Then about 6 months later, I was due to travel down to see her for the day and stay the Sunday night at hers. Late the evening before (I’d already packed) she text to say she was now going to a family BBQ at her brother’s house, so was cancelling. Not only did this leave me having to arrange a hotel at short notice (I had meetings on the Monday in the local office to where she lived so still needed to make the drive) but I was really hurt that she hadn’t even considered inviting me along. I knew her family well, got on well with them all and if the situation had been reversed, she’d have been invited along without a second thought.

I started to reassess the whole basis of our relationship and I realised it had always been on her terms. I’d always been the one putting in the effort, always the one doing the travelling to see her (for the majority of our friendship I’d lived about 2-2.5 hours away), and was always the one having to accommodate and compromise what we did, where we went/ate etc based on what she did and didn’t like.

I decided to step back and, except for one email from her, we haven’t spoken since. That was 2012. I still occasionally think of her and am a little sad that I’ve no idea how she is or what her life is like now. I do miss parts of the friendship we had as there are some great memories of our 10 years as friends and I have considered reaching out a few times over the years. But, just as with romantic relationships, I believe things end for a reason and that it’s ok that not every person stays in your life forever.

Yes I dont think friendships can be revived.. we met for coffee 3 of us after a long gap. Not the same. Polite. Met her at lidl recently and she hurried down the aisles lol. Puts me off new meetups now.

Thanks all for sharing your stories.
I think it's right, you can't get back what's lost and things never go back to normal again. But I also just struggle with that and find it very sad. I think it's just something I will always find sad tbh but I just need to accept it and appreciate that I did get an apology (4 years later) and some sort of closure and I have sort of moved on from it, apart from every now and again feeling sadness about the whole thing.

I actually think that good friendships ending, (for whatever reason), can be almost, if not completely, as upsetting as romantic relationships ending.

I completely agree with you.

Currently trying to wrap my head around my birthing partner somewhat ghosting me.
My baby is going to be 1 in a few days and to top it off they share a birthday. I’ve no idea what I’ve done and I’ve been upset over it. All her husband has said is it’s not just me, it’s everyone.

I was close friends with a girl years back, shared a house for four years during University years, probably my closest friend ever. She ended up pregnant in our final year of uni by her dope of a boyfriend, he ghosted her and she decided on termination. We are in Ireland so I supported her through counseling, I paid for flights and accommodation in the UK to get the termination as she couldn't ask family obviously. When she came back I tried to be supportive but she said she wanted no reminder of this time in her life and that included me being her friend. I still think of her from time to time and haven't really had a close friend since.

If her husband has said that to you it sounds almost like she has had some sort of MH crisis and is shutting everyone out? Have you tried messaging her and asking her if everything is ok? It's so hard to know what to do for the best isn't it and I think there is only so much you can do before you say enough is enough and try to move on.

Oh wow that's really awful for both of you. It's almost like she is punishing herself by cutting you out and not actually what she wants but what she thinks will be best to help her forget the pain of terminating her pregnancy. It's a very harsh thing for you to go through though so I can see why you are upset.

Just seen this thread, this is me!! I had a friend of 30 years who i no longer speak to as she accused me of something which is totally untrue! I actually cant bear to think about her now, I feel so angry that she's treated me this way, wouldn't even give me time of day to talk about it .... disgusting! xx

I got divorced in late 2019 and struggled during the process of divorce with most of my friendships, I realised that the friendships I had were all with my ExH's friends GFs and wives.... it put a distance in there I wasn't expecting and lost what I thought and felt were really great friends. Although I ended it, my ex moved on almost immediately and it felt like they were all really worried about being around me in case they said something about his new situation which upset me. which I get but it also then felt like I was kept at arms length, the BBQs and bday meals out, he went with his new GF and I was sidelined so was there ever true friendship there. Not sure.

Then covid hit and I lost my job. Whilst colleagues were friends it was really hard to keep the friendships going with Covid and as most of my colleague friends kept their jobs, I was desperate and had to get a job at a rival company which caused a ripple in the company as I had no covenants in my contract. (my old company even put a warning out to people not to discuss company matters with ex employees and changed their contracts) I was desperate for a job as I was paying for the divorce and a mortgage on my own.

Then I started a new job after that WFH full time (which I prefer) but I just haven't picked back up on friendships.

My new partner has some really wonderful friends, I am included and feel friends with them but I have no friends of my own so if I want to have a rant about my partner not knowing where the dishwasher is .... I come on MumsNet lol

Thanks for replying. I've found talking about the loss of my friendship really difficult. The people I have told seem to be embarrassed and I feel embarrassed bringing it up! Like I'm a child somehow for allowing this to happen. As a result it's really isolating. The pattern of my life has just abruptly changed. The friend gave me a long list of things I've done to her over the years that she has never mentioned before, including things like standing between her and another friend at a party years ago- I don't even remember the party. I feel like someone I thought was my friend was actually keeping a secret list of black marks against me. It's really devastating.

Wow, that's so weird that she would do that! Friendships are meant to be happy and fun, Dealing with laughter and tears.
I thought I would never recover from my best mate ending our friendship. I've always been the one to back down and apologise even if things are not my fault because I cannot bear to lose a friend, but I stood firm and in time realised what a vile human she is and how she has judged and looked down on me all of our adult friendship. I was there for her through some of the worst times ever, easily forgotten. I am happy she is no longer in my life, I used to walk on eggshells with her so as not to "upset her". The crux was she wouldn't even meet for a chat to try and sort things out, she knew she was wrong but was happy to let our friendship end rather than face up to it! I changed my personality to fit in with her mates, bollocks to that! Its made me stronger I think.
Sadly in life people cease to be friends, people change and evolve. I have another friend who I helped a lot in the beginning, financially and mentally. Now she is thriving and very successful I hardly hear from her, sad but true.

Be strong, release, let go and move on to people who treat you how you deserve to be treated. Life is far too short
xx

I had a very special friendship suddenly disappear overnight.

Tried to find out the reason... never did. That was 11 years ago now.

Sometimes I do wonder but to be honest, I just think she wasn't worth my time and definitely not worth my tears 😊

If there was an issue or I'd done something wrong, (no idea what) surely speaking about it is better than just losing someone you supposedly cared about?

My friend and I had shared so much. Marital breakdowns (I even moved in with her for a while), work, family life - we were even setting up a business together, she was my birthing partner. Then my (now)XH moved us all 300 miles away, friend and I stayed in touch, visits, long hysterical phone calls - I thought we were managing, despite the distance. I visited her for a weekend, everything was fine and then BOOM. No contact, except for one phone call where I cried, apologised if I had done anything, asked to stay in touch. She just said 'you know what you've done...'

No. I really don't. To this day. I've racked my brains and can't come up with anything at all, and we parted just fine. Twenty five years of very close friendship - just gone. And I've never had a friendship like it since. Very sad.

Just cruel, says more about them than you though! x

@neverputabetterbitofbutteronyourknife absolutely 😊x

Wow, that's so harsh, as I said to @SparklesandRainbows it says more about them than you. If they cant be bothered to have a conversation about the problem then they are clearly not worth bothering about. I know its so hard to get past it, took me months but now i'm on the other side, everything is so much clearer!

Yes hurtful but Im thinking do you need this nastiness/negative in your life. I was close with my cousin was dropped as fast. God it stung. Im polite if I ever meet her now but thats it. Think she used me to fill her mornings then bye

I'm not English by birth and I think there may be things I still get wrong as I've found the nuance of communication difficult to navigate. People always tell me I'm a straightforward person who says what is on my mind, and I worry that I unintentionally cause offence although I ended up massively censoring myself with this friend so as not to upset her. She would never tell me she was upset but I could tell when I, for example talked about plans with other friends, she would become very abrupt and closed. Perhaps that, combined with someone who cannot share when they are annoyed/offended, has led to this situation. But it's the harshness which gets to me. A door has just shut in my face with no discussion or kindness.

the closer you are the deeper the pain when they inexplicably remove themselves, ghost you, or worst of all betray your confidences

sometimes it’s political - ie they are friends with this person so cannot be friends with you, eyeroll, many like this when we had primary school age children, then extends
to more adult friendships, still exercising the politics of the playground

there are takers who are not rumbled for years until they overdo it :
there are jealous husbands, had a few of those, preventing friends from meeting up,
I had a friend who used me constantly for childcare until MY husband pointed it out,
one who I was friends with for 10 years, wanted me to look after her disabled husband while she went off for a few days to see an ailing ‘friend’ who she hadn’t seen since they were at school, (this was so bizarre and weird)
one who told my stalker where I had moved to, caused no end of problems

then they wonder why we go cold on them

mostly though there is always a life on a relationship, they are of their time, so that good friends are left behind when we move counties/countries, our situations change, divorce etc.,
one dumped me when I left my husband for eg, I was her bridesmaid, had children the same age, she didn’t want to know - judgemental
and those associated with boyfriends, husbands family, sisters in law, would like to stay in touch, knowing it is better if we don’t

looking back now, there is so much I just wouldn’t put up with, tolerate,
make excuses for and I’m annoyed with my younger self for doing so

its a minefield, be careful, keep a journal, then its out of your head on the page/folder on your laptop, safer and better than the faithless friend who unbeknown to you is repeating everything you told her to the town gossip