Staying close to sister in abusive relationship

[Ersce]

Older sister in long term marriage with abusive H has made it clear she has no plans to ever leave. She is happy in very traditional marriage role with him in charge. But he is also abusive.

She has made it clear that absolutely no hint of criticism of him will be tolerated but he insults me in front of her and she says nothing. I have stopped confiding in her as I don't want him to know my business. I feel this is eroding our relationship and not sure how to stay close long term.

You don't.

You hand her a leaflet for woman's aid, tell her you'll be there if she ever decides to leave him and then walk away. For your own sanity.

It's tough but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped and you shouldn't put up with crap from other people just because 'family'.

I’m in a similar situation with a friend. I had to step back because I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. I pointed her to various charities, supported her family, suggested social services, etc, but I can’t be in her life anymore because I’ve realised you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

In my friend’s case, her husband kidnapped their children to a country in North Africa and the only reason she got them back was because he was in prison for parental abduction in the UK so told his family to give the children back. Once she got them back, she lied to the police claiming he did actual have permission and she was confused…and he was duly released from prison and they’re now living together again. After all the tears I cried with her and all the support I gave when her children were kidnapped, she still went back to him.

So honestly, when women choose to stay in abusive relationships, all you can do is let them know you’re there if they’re ready to leave, but you also need to protect your own sanity by taking a step back if you need it.

This. It’s very painful, and abused women are definitely victims who need help, but you can’t help someone who chooses to stay in that situation even when there are options for them to leave.

Walk away. You shouldn't have to take abuse from him.

You can keep in touch with her if you like, and let her know you will be there if the scales ever fall from her eyes. She has made her choice, and it's him. Can you see her away from him?

Can you not just see her on her own, have lunch ..go for walks/ shopping whatever suits. Have nothing to do with the dh. If she starts complaining about him just have a ready answer like: l'm sure you will work it out and change the topic. So you are wasting no energy but still have your dsis in your life. If she does decide to separate then be full on with support as it will be a big decision for her.
I think walking away from her would be so cruel as you don't know what it's like to be her.

The best thing you can do is be there when she needs you.

Her abuser will want her isolated so don't cut the cord.
Be there without judgment and hopefully when she does see the light she'll come to you x

Thank you everyone for being so kind. I thought I would get slated for thinking of myself when she is the one in the worse situation. It might be time to step back a bit. I feel terrible for this but in some ways feel like she's not the person I thought she was.

Not completely though. Will still be there is she needs me.

Wow lesmis that,'s awful. Not surprised you had to walk away.