Help I have antagonized my abusive BIL

[Orwa]

DSis' met her DH after I moved away for uni and we haven't lived in the same town since now quite far so when we visit it is usually overnight or weekend visit. We are 40s now, BIL late 50s. From the beginning he was abusive but she has stuck with him. I have questioned and challenged things about their relationship but clumsily and she was defensive so I tried to stop to not push her away. Things got worse since lockdown and I also realised too late that he eavesdrops on our conversations. Several times when he and I were alone in a room together I felt open hostility from him. I also suspect him of breaking something of mine intentionally and a few other incidents. Over Christmas we ended up having an argument and my sister was so defensive of him and upset with me that I still feel quite shaken by it. We have another weekend together planned and I honestly feel like I can't do it.

Can you just see your sister on her own for a day or a treat somewhere neutral or would that put her at risk. I wouldn't spend the weekend with them, you will feel uncomfortable, I wouldn't worry that you've antagonised him, he sounds a nasty billy but all you can do is support your sister if she needs you.

Yes, organise your own parameters. Stay elsewhere if possible so you can retreat whenever you want to. Be in public as much as possible.

Do you have a partner? Decide on a point at which you will all just leave. No questions, just get up and leave. Make a list in your head of conversational topics that are relatively innocuous and stick to them.

And just don’t think about the rest. You can’t do anything about it.

If it was me I wouldn't go. Your sister will always side with him. Unless you can see her on her own.

Don’t do it!

Don’t go. Just back away. Tell sis you love her and will always be there for her if she ever decides to leave her husband but otherwise have as little to do with them as possible. He’s not a nice person and you’re putting yourself at risk.

If you must meet up with them then stay in separate accommodation and always meet in a public space.

I would strongly recommend not going.

Make up an excuse any excuse it doesn't matter.

Much better slight offence given than a massive row which potentially gets physical.

I wouldn't go anywhere near him . He sounds really frightening. Can you arrange to meet her for a meal or go out for the day together?

I do feel at fault though as I criticized him to her and dropped a lot of hints e.g. about what is or isn't abusive in a relationship. This antagonized him but also gave him ammunition for example listening in on our conversations I can imagine him telling her he needs to supervise because I am trying to make trouble and her going along with it. I am actually not sure if she realises the extent to which he does this and also don't think I can talk to her about it.

to answer a question, I am single but it is not always just the three of us. She has a young adult DC who is lovely but worships their father, and we also visit with extended family together.

It's not your fault he's abusive. Stay away from him, he sounds dangerous.

You might be right.

You can’t help her if she won’t help herself. You can help yourself and have nothing to do with him.

I decided not to go and saw her alone instead. She is still upset with me for challenging him. It was a weird kind of upset, almost like I was stealing her special noble victim status by accusing him of bullying me. I also missed out on seeing other people by not going. Feel like I am losing my sister and getting pushed out of my family. I actually feel really angry with her.