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Original poster

MIL birthday

33 replies

Laurel8437 · 03/05/2024 08:07

Usually I'd buy her something nice, however I haven't this year, that's because this year she's just got me a card and I think why should I go to any effort.
I feel really bad and I just gave my DH her card for him to write.
In the past she doesn't show gratitude or makes a comment so I thought I'm not doing it this year. She doesn't really make the effort with her son just puts 20 in a card and he visits her religiously every week and if he's not there bang on time she's on the phone wanting to know why ..
It's not in my nature not to make an effort but she doesn't with me so....is this wrong of me?

OP posts:
Appleastliv · 09/05/2024 04:25

I hope you don’t do everyone’s present buying for Christmas and special occasions. It’s a huge mental load to take on and time consuming, also. Historically it seems to be the default that falls on the woman and I see it unfortunately still happening. Let your husband deal with present buying for his family - no prompts or reminders, that’s his role. My husband has to buy for his family, I have zero input. I like his parents a lot but that doesn’t mean I’m willing to take on his mental load for them.
Your MIL doesn’t sound appreciative of your time and effort so don’t put any in.

Powderblue1 · 09/05/2024 05:39

I do this now. We get a card, she gets a card. I always make sure I get a nice card from the kids too.

Noicant · 09/05/2024 06:06

Tourmalines · 03/05/2024 09:46

Yep , I can never understand that it’s up to the son to have to get his mum the presents when dil is the one that deals with all the gift buying for everyone else anyway . I’ve always been the one to buy for my mil and my dil buys for me . Some people are weird .

Show quote history

Not really, it would never have occurred to me to buy gifts for DH’s family. When his nieces and nephews were little he’d ask me my opinion on stuff but it’s a bit strange to think after you get married it’s ok to shove over all hour relationship admin onto your wife.

I’m not responsible for buying all the other presents either. I do my side, he does his and for DD we each pick a gift and then one joint one.

Tourmalines · 09/05/2024 06:38

Noicant · 09/05/2024 06:06

Not really, it would never have occurred to me to buy gifts for DH’s family. When his nieces and nephews were little he’d ask me my opinion on stuff but it’s a bit strange to think after you get married it’s ok to shove over all hour relationship admin onto your wife.

I’m not responsible for buying all the other presents either. I do my side, he does his and for DD we each pick a gift and then one joint one.

Show quote history

That’s where we differ . We don’t have an our side and your side . We are one . Hardly call lt life admin .

Chatonette · 09/05/2024 07:21

I don’t necessarily think it’s equitable for you to be carrying the mental load of all of the gift buying for both your family and his family. Who organised his family diary of gift-buying and card-posting before you got married?

Chatonette · 09/05/2024 07:26

Noicant · 09/05/2024 06:06

Not really, it would never have occurred to me to buy gifts for DH’s family. When his nieces and nephews were little he’d ask me my opinion on stuff but it’s a bit strange to think after you get married it’s ok to shove over all hour relationship admin onto your wife.

I’m not responsible for buying all the other presents either. I do my side, he does his and for DD we each pick a gift and then one joint one.

Show quote history

Agreed. I carry the majority of the mental load in our house as is, even though I shouldn’t because we both work FT. As far as his family goes, he had been sourcing birthday and Christmas gifts on his own for years before we got married. I would have found it odd if he had passed his address book and family calendar to me after marriage with the expectation that as his wife, I now was in charge of the gifts for his parents and siblings.

Humannat · 10/05/2024 23:55

Tourmalines · 03/05/2024 09:46

Yep , I can never understand that it’s up to the son to have to get his mum the presents when dil is the one that deals with all the gift buying for everyone else anyway . I’ve always been the one to buy for my mil and my dil buys for me . Some people are weird .

Show quote history

I find it weird that gift giving is a gendered thing personally but to each their own.

Humannat · 11/05/2024 00:00

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 07/05/2024 15:55

My MIL doesn't get me a birthday present, just a card. It's fine, I just make sure I don't put any work into buying her anything and leave it all to DH, he's fine with that too. I am a tiny bit bitter that my parents go to a lot of fuss over DH on his birthday and I get very little fuss made of me by his family, but not worth getting worked up over

I find this all all strange, if I’m honest there isn’t much rhyme or reason to our gift giving, if we spend Christmas with one of our mums we send flowers to the other.

Always prioritise children , but the scale can vary massively, one year just a card and a little something from the supermarket another year a gift hamper.

I don’t think any of my loved ones are counting up or doing tit for tat

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