Married and need to leave and lodge with someone. Landlords want references. I feel stuck.

[Nylla]

I would appreciate a bit of advice. I am mid 30s and have been married to my husband for two years. He has been unkind and controlling in several ways (I've posted about him on here a few times).

I've got to the point where I want to leave. We live in London. I'll need to move out of our house (I can just about afford the extra rent).

I've been looking at rooms in London on Spareroom. Mainly lodger arrangements, where I'd be lodging with another woman or a family.

When I've gone for viewings and to meet the people I'd be lodging with, the people have been keen for me to move in initially. But when they've then asked for references, I explained my situation and said I wasn't keen on people (such as friends and colleagues) knowing I'm about to move out before I actually do it. They have then taken back their offer, because they want references.

I feel really stuck. Now that I'm ready to leave, this feels like a real obstacle. Does anyone have any advice or tips they can give?

What specifically do they want the reference for e.g. character reference or to check you can pay?
if it’s about the money can you offer to pay a deposit or a bigger deposit.
if it’s a character reference you just need one trustworthy friend to vouch for you?

This may not apply but if you are religious could someone for your place of worship provide a reference. Or your employer depending on what job you do.
sounds a difficult situation for you, all the best.

Presumably they want to know you can pay the rent - so show them a bank statement with your income on it or get a letter from your work.

If it's about character, can you ask a friend to give you a reference?

Try getting some advice from women's aid or citizens advice, too.

People looking for lodgers don’t usually require references. Where are you looking? Spare room? If so I’m sure an extra deposit would do it.

Are you oversharing? Maybe ‘I’m moving locations and looking to move to this area’ might be a better introduction?

I work in x I can pay the deposit by y I am clean and tidy and like z might be a better way to go about it.

Don't worry you’ll get there.

I’m a live in landlady and have had a couple of lodgers who have moved to me after a sticky situation. Which I found out
once we became friends. But I couldn’t have coped with drama from the outset (and would not tolerate drama on my doorstep)

I wonder if there's also some element of people not wanting to get involved in a delicate situation, OP? They might worry that your ex will be coming around and causing issues. Or that you'll be an emotional wreck. Maybe worth not telling them anything about your situation.

I'm guessing you are renting now? So could you ask your landlord for a reference without your H knowing?

Alternatively could you say you've been lodging with a friend and get them to be your referee?

Thanks everyone. It's a character reference they're after.

When I've first met them, I was vague about who I live with at the moment, and just said that I was looking to move to a new area of London. And we just had relaxed chats about hobbies and work.

But when they've asked for references, I've felt I've had to tell them more about my situation, in order to explain why I didn't want people knowing I'm moving.

I guess I could ask a good friend to vouch for me, but i would really rather tell no-one till I've actually moved out.

Agree with the other posters, the landladies/lords don't want anyone who will bring them drama so don't mention anything about your ex.

You must have someone you can trust to tell about your situation? If not you will have to just keep trying until you can find someone who doesn't want a personal
Reference.

I've rented a room a few times and never asked for one, but did ask for proof of ID or where they worked. I didn't want to be intrusive but I also didn't want to open my room to a complete stranger without some idea they were who they said they were.

.... I did even get to the point of paying a deposit to one lady.... But after I mentioned my husband had been controlling, she withdrew the offer (though I tried to reassure her that he's never been violent). She felt nervous about him turning up at the house (though I would never have told him where I'm living).

Stop mentioning the ex.

Get a trusted friend to do the reference. Ask them to keep it to themselves. Could your boss do a reference for you?

Confide in a friend, and ask them to do a reference for you, and don't be so open about your reasons for needing a room. It is literally none of their business x

Can you ask a friend or colleague to write a character reference but tell them it’s for something else - like a volunteering position?

Stop telling landlords your history. They are all going to want references no matter your reasons. Work on getting a reference somehow.

Thanks. No, my boss knows I'm married. So if they're told I'm looking to lodge somewhere, they'll know something is up - which I don't want.

The landlords want contact numbers, so that they can phone the people up and ask them about me. I presume that at some point in the conversation, the landlord will mention I'm wanting to lodge with them.

Not ideal but can you afford to move to an air b&b or cheap hotel (difficult in London, I know) for a couple of weeks so you can then ask a friend for references after you have left your husband?

You need to confide in someone OP, a character reference is a reasonable request. And as suggested, stop mentioning your ex, it's understandable people don't want trouble at their home, as there won't be any there's no need to mention it.

Why don't you want anyone to know, OP? Is there a practical reason, like that you don't trust it won't get back to your H? Realistically, would your boss or a colleague contact your H to tell him you've asked for a reference? If not, just go to someone at work for a reference.

Same with friends. Do you have a good friend who you trust? Confide in them. I'm sure they'll be happy to help.

If you are in fear of your husband finding out - violence? - I wonder if a woman's refuge might be able to help?

Thanks everyone for the advice here. I need to re-think how to go about this.

@MsMuffinWalloper my husband gets angry but he's never been violent, so I don't really have a reason to worry about that.

What kind of property do you live in? Is there room for a caravan/ log cabin in the garden?

I think your employer (someone high up you have a good working relationship with) is your best bet - they aren’t going to risk telling anyone your business, because it’s not worth the shitstorm that could result from sharing private information, especially if you state that you’re in a very delicate situation OP

i hope you find something suitable and a nice landlord or lady x