Is it selfish to apologise for something that happened nearly 30 years ago?

[HopeFloatsAbove]

He was a really good male friend of mine that helped me out in multiple ways.
After me and my DD dad split up I started work full time and this is where I met him, and we became good friends.
He was a quiet tech guy doing computer engineering course at uni and I was just a mum who had the lowest of confidence since the spilt with my ex. But we clicked, we were always up to something, but I never thought of him romantically. And both being early 20's I am ashamed to admit I took him for granted. I was so naive then.

On my 25th birthday he blurred out he had been in love with me the whole time but got tired of waiting for me to get over my ex and dating other people that he found someone else, and I was genuinely happy for him.

Throughout the years I have wanted to say how sorry I was how I left things, I felt and still feel that I should have said thank you and apologised for being such a bad friend to him then. I was so blind in my own grieve and being a mum to a 2 year old DD that I had no sight of how he felt. Maybe its enough to just type it out here on MN and not reach out as it is selfish?

And what are you hoping to achieve? That he remembers you and decides that he made a horrible mistake and should have waited for you, or that he can hardly remember who you are?

Are you still in touch? If so, there’s no harm in bringing it up. If not, don’t contact him for this.

Definitely don’t say anything. And certainly not sorry! That’s quite patronising.

Just forget about it and move on. He’s happy. Your happy. Three decades have passed. Everything is cool 😊

I wouldn't say anything. 30 years have passed, you've both moved on and are happy (I presume).

I think it would be odd and he/his partner would wonder if you’re trying it restart something

Thank you everyone, I thought I would ask. I can always rely on MN for great insight, honestly. I am just one of those who overthinks, there is nothing in it as first poster is suggesting, just a genuine thought that perhaps I owned an apology and should fess up and say sorry. Thanks again 🙂

If you were perhaps interested in a relationship - it might be worthwhile.
Who knows - he might be single?

Otherwise, leave it. It’s 30 years ago!

So are you saying you want to apologise for not considering him romantically back then? After 30 years that would be a bit strange.

Or did you neglect the platonic friendship?

I am not certain what you did wrong? It’s normal to get down and distracted after a relationship has ended. Friends understand that. And you weren’t obligated to take him on romantically.

What do you think you owe him an apology for?
It's not clear

Why would you apologise? Not reciprocating romantic feelings for someone is nothing to apologise for.

She says she was a bad friend and took him for granted, so presumably for that.

But she said they were always up to something so it doesn't actually actually sound like she was a bad friend?

She said I felt and still feel that I should have said thank you and apologised for being such a bad friend to him then. I was so blind in my own grieve and being a mum to a 2 year old DD that I had no sight of how he felt.

so it mainly sounds like she thinks she was a bad friend for not realising he was in love with her.

We can’t really tell from a few lines, she said she was a bad friend and took him for granted so that’s all we can go on. 🤷🏻‍♀️

She shouldn’t contact him out of the blue for this, but if they’re still in contact, I see no harm mentioning it.

Look at it this way, he spent years hiding how he felt about you, and if you'd felt the same way, something would of happened. I'd be disappointed to find a platonic friend was only helping because he had other ideas. It was his choice to try and be your saviour, and probably used your vulnerability as an in. This was as much him being in the wrong. Some people think they can convince someone to fancy them by doing stuff for them, but attraction doesn't work that way. You didn't owe him a relationship, his fault for being transactional about it and only being a friend because he was after more. Serves him right really.

You need to consider the consequence of contacting him:
You ease your guilty conscience but re-ignite his desire for you (potentially messing with his current relationship).
You do the above but he struggles to remember you (would that dent your ego?).
You both have a lovely time reminiscing then part ways on good terms.
It depends what your ultimate goal is tbh.

That's why I asked what she thought she had to apologise for because I said it wasn't clear 😅

If I got a message after 30 years I’d suspect they were newly single and getting in touch with old girlfriends.
There’s an ex of mine I’d love to say hi to and see how life’s gone for him. But I won’t because of my first point.
If you’re hoping something might come of it then get in touch. Otherwise leave well alone.

Yeah, I'm not sure what op is wanting to apologise for, either and would like her to elaborate a bit.

Op, if you didn't think of him romantically and he only told you he had feelings for you after he got with someone else, it's not your fault. That's on him, if anything.

If you were a bad friend, if you've learnt from it and are a better friend to people now, then that was just youth and inexperience. After decades I don't think it serves anyone to bring it up - and is potentially self-indulgent and not about making him feel better.

I don't think you owe him an apology. You thought you were just friends, he wanted more, found it with someone else. Definitely not worth raking up old ground.

At a college reunion, a guy who had messed me around a bit came up and apologised, 25 years after the event. I had forgotten about it more or less. I really appreciated the apology, it helped me think about why I had allowed myself to be messed around and as a result I made some changes to my life which I’m very glad of. I guess it gave me closure and I think it did the same for him.

Yep, "nice guy syndrome", and normally the friendship is very conditional because it's not a genuine friendship, they're just trying to use it as a way in!

Dont be a dick op.

Honesty, dont apologise.

When I was younger (35 year ago) I had a bf I was so in love with. He mucked me about, treated me like shit and was generally a terrible boyfriend. He is a close friend of my brothers so I come across him from time to time. I saw him about 9 years ago and he apologised for how he treated me, said it was a big regret of his and I just said its fine, we were kids, just forget about it. His apology meant nothing because he means nothing anymore. It actually annoyed me a bit, was thinking, mate as if I care all these years later.

I can't imagine he gives it a passing thought anymore, absolutely no point dredging up the past just to appease your conscience.

I don't really get it sorry OP. What have you got to apologise for? When you say you were always up to something do you mean sexually? Or you had a platonic friendship and he never asked you out?

If he never made his feelings clear that's on him I'm afraid. You wished him well graciously when he said he'd met someone else. Not sure what else you were meant to do. You didn't owe him romantic feelings or to read his mind.

And I'm not sure what you mean by you took him for granted but you would have had very different priorities as a young, newly single mum to a student.

If you could clarify a bit I could be more sure but I don't feel like you owe an apology. What do you want to get out of contacting him?