How do we tell the kids we're seperating?

[bizzi]

Dh and I have finally given up working at our relationship and have decided to separate. We argue frequently and the children, 9 7 and 4 are too aware of the unhappiness caused between us. I need affection and to feel loved and he cant give it. The kids need a far more harmonious lifestyle to the one they have right now, we reckon we can be better parents if we live separately.

We are both heartbroken but know that this is the best route for all concerned. After all I've been through in the last 18 months I'm scared I wont cope well with divorce, relocation and the loneliness to come.

How do we tell the kids we're separating? Ds 9 will be the badly affected, he's always said that the thought of mummy and daddy splitting up scares him.

Any support and words of wisdom will be gratefully appreciated
thankyou.

Thinking of you Bizzi
You are very brave.

Sorry Bizzi i didnt mean to make you cry! I just couldnt help myself with the candle thing - Bunglie asked MN to light candles in memory of all the children taken from their parents for no good reason - Bunglies story made me cry - then i couldnt stop thinking of all the other MN threads and news items during the last year that have particularly upset me (HAve only had internet for three months)

Bizzi, my parents divorced when I was 8. I think the way they told us was the right way. They both sat down together and told us that they were splitting up because they didn't love each other anymore and argued a lot and were very unhappy, but that they both still loved us just as much.

Even so I was devastated and it took me many years to realise that they did the right thing splitting up. I was aware of all the screaming and unhappiness, but as a child I would rather have had that then for my dad to move away.

So I feel very sorry for you and for your kids. It won't be easy. I guess the best thing you can do is keep reassuring them that you love them and that whatever they are feeling is normal.

I'd thought of the library too, and will try there as soon as it reopens. I'm a regular visiter there with the children and don't want anyone to know it's for me so will have to make up some stupid excuse to protect my dignity a bit longer! Silly I know.
As for CAB I hadn't thought of them, what sort of advice do you think they could offer?
Oh what a crappy start to the new year.
Having great (to the children) gran here doesn't help, I need time to disolve and think but instead I'm busier than ever caring for and trying to cheer up a very sad old lady.

Thanks for your story Kate. God this is going to hard.

Bizzi - According to DH - CAB would be able to give you advice about legal matters (eeeeeeeeeek contacts for divorce lawyers etc) housing advice, benefits you may be entitled to, details of groups such as single parent(eeeeeeeeeeeek) advice groups - A friend of mine found SCOOP AID very helpful (I think the S stands for Sheffield hopefully there is something similar near you)

HTH

Bizzi, can I take the liberty of telling you one of the many things I felt as a child with divorced parents? In my class at school there were 25 odd kids with together parents and three with divorced parents. Was I jealous of the 25? No. But I was madly jealous of one of the other two whose parents talked to each other, whose Dad came to parent's evening, to other school events and and to her birthday parties. I don't know what the best thing to say to the kids is, but reassure them that you both still love them as much as you ever did, and show it by keeping things amicable. I can't imagine how hard that might be so wish you and your family all the best

thankyou YG and Hatters. Your memories Hatters are really interesting, this seems to be a theme, I'm realising more and more how important it is for us to succeed at remaining friends.

I hope you manage to remain friends. My parents certainly didn't, and I'm sure I would have been a much happier child and teenager if I wasn't constantly listening to them putting each other down.