Do grandparents just switch off after a while?

[OrmIrian]

I hadn't seen my MIL for a few months. She's busy. I'm busy. DH took the DCs over for Mothers Day. We all finally went to see her on Easter Saturday. And she couldn't have cared less. She wasn't interested in anything we had to say about the DCs. She was snappy with them. She was happy to chat about her eldest granddaughters wedding in the summer and another grandsons schooling. It was all quite odd. She's always been a very involved granny (though not all the time as she lives about 2o miles away and doesn't drive) and very loving. My DCs were a little taken aback by her obvious change in attitude, and so was I.

She is 76, suffers from arthritis, and I was just wondering if she simply finds smallish children too much to cope with.

If her health is not good then she may be struggling with young children.

Perhaps you could try talking to her while the children are not around or asking DH to if you don't feel comfortable doing it. They maybe a valid reason for her change in attitude and if it is health related you may be able to do something to help.

My mother is very hands on but lately I've noticed how tired she is getting when around my DC's for too long. Nothing to do with not loving them.

I'd be inclined to think she was feeling a bit unwell that day. Try again and see how it goes. Could be her age is just now starting to catch up with her.

Smallish children may not interest her that much. I'm not v. interested in them. Mine yes, other people's, not at all.

She's old. Give her a chance to talk about herself.

Thanks. Yes. I think that too. I will see if she is free over the hols for a day here, or for us to visit again. It just seemed so sad. As if she wasn't interested.

Do you think that maybe she was sulking a bit because she thinks she's not seeing enough of you?

I doubt it. She's normally a very direct person. And surely she should be sulking about not seeing Dh and the children, not me. But she's normally a harmless enough MIL so I think I shall have to make more effort.

The ability to empathise does diminish with age - this is why the very elderly, even if not affected by dementia, can come across as toddler-like in their self-absorption. It's also why they often don't give a !*?@ about being seen with their teeth out/wearing purple/making outrageous political/racial/religious generalisations . I think the term is social disinhibition...they don't feel the need to please/be liked any more.
How bad this appears is, IME, dependent on what their basic personality was like before ageing made its impact.
My parents are 78 and 83 and very caring still. But they are less understanding of our lives and situations, it is noticeable. They don't relate to the DGCs as well as they used to, despite loving them...rather fiercely...shall we say? So yy to more snappy and less attentive.
My MIL has always been quite self-absorbed and distant. She is a similar age to my mum and barely takes any interest in the dcs now.
OrmIrian, with arthritis, which can be agonising at times, you probably caught your MIL on a bad day. My mum, who struggles valiantly with a lot of chronic conditions now, definitely has "on" and "off" days.
At 8 and 4 my dcs have a differing understanding about why granny and grandpa are a bit tottery and clueless at times, but from what you say about your MIL, you could with some truth explain to them that age and ill-health makes older people tetchy sometimes, and that it does not mean they love you any the less
But tbh, post-75, the changes seem to happen more markedly.

I agree with other posters, she's quite elderly, she was probably just having a bad day. My MIL is 77 and not always very hands-on with her grandchildren. She just doesn't have the energy - and mostly likes to talk about her ailments and who has died recently. In contrast, my mum is 60 and very involved. I wouldn't take it personally.

I think it doesn't help that my parents are the same sort of age and still very involved. But they see us a lot more often.

Good post Marina.

76 is old, let's not forget that. Not every nearly 80 year old is doing a round the world trip!

I think you need to think of your mum in different terms now tbh (my mum is younger than yours and I'm already having to that)

oops, sorry meant your mil not your mum.

Is your mil on her own?

Yes she is mercy.