Awful Situation

[Fruitbatem]

Hi
I am in a really bad situation. I have been with my husband for 12 years(married for 5)-been desperately unhappy for many years .Hes not very pleasant to me and has emotionally abused me for several years. We do have good times and then I forget the bad times. 3 years ago I re-connected with an old flame and had an affair. I got pregnant I was open to my husband about the affair and that the baby may not be his. We decided to try again. I told the side man I had an abortion (which is awful I know and I am really ashamed of this!)
My daughter looks the spit of the side man and I am 95% sure she is his. I havent spoken to the side man until January this year and realised I am still in love with him. He knows about my daughter but thinks shes my husband.
I want to be with the side man but I need to tell him about my daughter? or do I just carry on being miserable with my husband and live a lie and hope that the truth never comes out? I just want what's best for my daughter

Just OMG, this can't be real.

Yep its real....unfortunatly!

Does your husband know your daughter isn’t his?

Ive always been open that theres a chance she's not.I dont know 100% as we havent had a dna test but im fairly sure the other guy is the dad

What a mess.
'Fairly sure' counts for nothing - get the dna tested.
Leave the husband who isn't pleasant to you.
If you do get together with 'the side man', always have plan B - because it might not work out.

Well the first step is obviously a DNA test. How you haven't done one and have been living for 3 years without knowing for sure who the father of your child is is beyond me. Assuming she is the other man's child, your husband will be devastated that the child he is raising isn't his. The other man will be quite rightly disgusted that you lied about having an abortion and had his child who has not been able to build a relationship with. I'm not sure what happy ending you want out of this as you have behaved appallingly to both of them and I can imagine will find yourself on your own with your daughter. Sadly she is the one who will suffer without a father figure in her life which is the worst thing in all of this.

"Fairly sure" and "95%" are not OK for your daughter, who is the actual inheritor of this mess and will not be a baby forever. I'm honestly not getting that she is the priority here, as you seem more concerned with having lied to the other man/your feelings for him/how horrid your husband was than the appalling situation she's in.

A DNA test would at least give a bit of clarity.

Firstly get a DNA test and to be honest and upfront with everyone about the results. Your daughter and both men deserve to know who the father is.
Secondly, leave your DH if your unhappy but leave him and take time to be alone before pursuing your affair partner. That's not fair on your daughter.

Gosh this can't be true? OP this reads like a story line from Eastenders!

I think first port of call is a DNA test.

You need to leave the relationship and not jump into a new one. The DNA test can wait until after you've left. Even if your DD is your husband's you can leave an abuser.

Or a contract with a book publisher

@Motnight indeed

I'd make a decision about relationship with husband first. The DNA test would be next and if DD is side man's daughter, he must be told.

What happens thereafter, can be decided on then.

Your daughter has the right to a relationship with her biological father and his side of the family. Get a dna test done and sort that out first before you focus on anything else.

you need to do a dna for your daughters sake esp if you are 95% sure she's the other man's. You can allow your daughter to grow up thinking her dad isn't really her dad.
You will mess her up massively!! Do not do this to her. You need to know and you need to tell her if she is the other man's daughter.

I see people saying it sounds like an eastenders story line. My own life in the last yr and half has been something I can't make up but sounds made up to others who don't know me personally but I assure you it happened and it broke me. My longterm partner got a younger girl pregnant weeks after leaving our family home. It devestated me. He wanted to make it work, so did I and in the end up he stayed with her and the baby and now im a single mum to two small children so I can imagine how your husband felt with you falling pregnant to someone else, it must have crushed him and he took you back knowing full well the baby might not be his.

Everyone's relationships have different dynamics and I'm finding it hard to read you writing that you still love this side man and you'd think of leaving your partner again for him which I think you would if side man was willing to forgive you for saying you aborted the baby but actually had it and it very well likely is his. I think you'd be gone in a heartbeat to this man which is really unfair on your husband seeing as he did take you back after that bombshell and raised a child he knew probably wasn't his. He deserves better than that and I suppose that's just coming from someone who's been on the other side of this kind of situation, it's soul destroying.

I think you need to do a dna for your daughters sake and I think you need to express what you're feeling to your husband, perhaps separate on a trial basis and see how you feel then. If dna comes back it's side man then you're gonna have to bite the bullet and tell him, for that little girls sake and not making her believe one man is her father when he might not be. You will seriously do damage to her later down the line if you don't and serious damage to your relationship later down the line when she's older. Don't do that to her or yourself. It seems easy now because she's a toddler and you can hide it but I think you'll carry this with you for life if you don't get on top of this. At least go with the starting point of dna and take it one step from there.

How does your husband feel about the child not being his? Does he still treat her as his own? It must be incredibly hard for him doing that which should show you how much he loves you. I think if dna comes back that she's not your husbands child he'll be gutted even if he suspects it and he'll be more gutted to hear you might very well up and leave despite him rearing her the last 3 yrs. I hope my post doesn't come across as condescending I'm just speaking as someone who's in the thick of something like this but from the otherside and I shit you not it's horrific

Does anyone else feel they have read this before.
Its so similar/familiar to a past thread im sure on it that turned out to be a fake.
🤔

Awful - it’s not surprising the world is screwed up.

No words, no advice.
Sorry.

It's pretty obvious isn't it. Stop lying to people and establish who the father is. Side man would have to have the patience of a saint to want a relationship with someone as deceitful as you have been though, so don't hold your breath on that one.

I should imagine this was quite common before the introduction of DNA tests.

Thoughout history I'm sure there's been millions of men bringing up someone else's child.

Get a DNA test, find out who the child's dad is.