unhealthy relationship between mother and son

[firehaven]

my brother is suffering from a neuropathy of unknown cause, it has been deteriorating over the years, started with his feet, then legs leaving him on the wheelchair. his understanibly his mental health has suffered. he has gotten better over the years, started driving and went to uni. recently the neuropathy started affecting his hands and his ability to do daily tasks has diminished. he has cut himself off from whole family apart from my mum. he talks to her on the phone all the time, obviously very depressing stuff, its affecting her. I have suggested many times he goes to the doctor or counselling, which they both dont want to hear about. i feel for my mum because she is really affected by him and its all she ever talks about. i believe his behavior is abusive and manipulative, but mum just gets angry when i say. i actually reported his situation to social services so he gets some support and relies less on my mum. he was swearing and shouting at me. I understand he is suffering but his relationship with mum is very unhealthy. anyone has been in similar situation, where a disabled person was manipulating another family member, and what to do about it?

So your brother has progressive neuropathy but he isn't being treated by a doctor? That sounds...weird. Is he actually ill or is he telling everyone that this is what he has?

To be honest, you can't do much about his interdependence with your mother, that is between them. All you can do is stay out of it as much as possible.

because of the unknown cause, they suspect its autoimmune and he gets monthly ivig infusions. they seem to help slightly. they say they cant do anything else because they are not sure what causes it. he has had a basic physio but not really helping

Can you mend your relationship with him first? I'd apologise for upsetting him and say you just think he has the right to more support from a variety of professional services and felt he wasn't being offered enough so kicked up a fuss on his behalf. Also maybe chat about you wanting him to have an adult life, which dependency on his own mum doesn't exactly allow, and jointly come up with things that would make him happy and more self sufficient.

But I would try not to sound blaming in any way. It must be horrendous to have such a debilitating undiagnosed condition that prevents him living the life most young men want.

What is he doing that's abusive and manipulative because all you described was him talking to your mum about his issues all the time? I'm not saying he isn't but you didn't really provide an example.

In what way do you think he is abusing or manipulating her?

Totally understand that it's draining if he's on the phone to her all the time about all of his issues but that's not abusive or manipulative.....is he gaining anything from her apart from a listening ear?

He is telling her stuff like he is suicidal, that he will never live till old age etc. he's telling her people have written him off although he is very verbally abusive to anyone who is trying to talk to him. He is verbally abusive to her at times. Then he cries and says how he loves her etc. he will tell her he needs help with this and that and she lives about 20 miles away and doesn't drive so she will sometimes send dad or ask me but he won't let us in. I think he is just very very unstable mentally and he needs professional help.