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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I give my bf the option of leaving me?

21 replies

BeamMeUp81 · 02/05/2024 11:47

I have been with him for 4 years. He is amazing, I adore him, there’s literally nothing I don’t like about him and we’ve never had any kind of cross words about anything, it just works. I didn’t think relationships like this existed.

His situation - 37, works v long hours during the week and then comes to me nearly every weekend (LDR, he’s 4/5 hours away). No kids, says he’s not bothered about having them. I’m his first/only LTR. Just sold his house and looking for one to buy in my area, he’d still have to work away but he’d be based down here permanently in between contracts and at weekends.

My situation - I have 2 teenage DC (who he gets on great with), it’s just me, no support from their fathers. I’m 43. Health wise I’m shit, I have CFS which has been going on for years but in the last year it’s got a lot worse, I am no longer able to work, really struggling for money, and constantly exhausted, generally I’m stuck in bed (about 80% of the time). I don’t even have the energy to clean my house, I feel like my whole life is falling apart and that’s stressful, and stress makes my CFS worse so it’s a vicious circle. Feeling very bleak about everything at the moment.

My bf is the one good thing I have going on, he’s so kind and supportive. He doesn’t have much confidence, he’s very shy, hence why I’m his first proper girlfriend, and I don’t think he realises how amazing he is. He really is the full package, and I know he could do a lot better than me.

I was healthier when we first met and things have gone downhill from there. I know my bf loves me, but also because he is such a nice bloke I think he’d find it very hard to be the arsehole and leave me like this. But I feel like I should give him the option, he could find someone younger and healthier, maybe have a family…my future looks pretty shit and I honestly can’t see what’s in it for him.

Am I being mental? Should I give him the option of going, even though it would break my heart if he did?

OP posts:
PatioDreama · 02/05/2024 11:51

Be kind to yourself, you deserve all the love and support your can get.

He is an adult capable of making his own decisions.

Put this out of your mind, please.

thanKyouaIMee · 02/05/2024 11:53

He has the option of going, at any time he wants to. You don't need to give him that option - it's already there. He's clearly not choosing that option because he wants to be with you, take notice of that.

NicholJO · 02/05/2024 11:57

Hi op I think your CFS is really getting you down. Please try to think positively. He wants to be with you he's a grown man. He's even trying to move nearer to you he sounds like a good man he obviously loves you
Good luck hope you feel better soon

BeamMeUp81 · 02/05/2024 11:58

Thank you both, I’m crying now, I think I needed to hear that. I’m really struggling mentally with feeling this shit all of the time, as you can maybe tell.

OP posts:
BeamMeUp81 · 02/05/2024 11:59

Thanks @NicholJO, I am a bit short of positivity at the moment, just feeling a bit worthless and honestly can’t see why anyone would want me in this state.

OP posts:
Motnight · 02/05/2024 12:02

He wants to be with you, Op, that's what is in for him.

Accept that you are worthy of this, and that you are obviously a brilliant woman.

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 02/05/2024 12:03

This is what self sabotage looks like!

This man clearly loves you and wants to be with you. Please don't throw away such a good thing.

I honestly believe he has come into your life to bring you much needed love and happiness.

PatioDreama · 02/05/2024 12:04

Love is real.
Loyalty is real.
Compassion and selflessness are real.

Enjoy your blessings! They are for you - Smile!

Ladyprehensile · 02/05/2024 12:06

PatioDreama · 02/05/2024 12:04

Love is real.
Loyalty is real.
Compassion and selflessness are real.

Enjoy your blessings! They are for you - Smile!

CFS? Chronic fatigue syndrome?

As above, and as others have said, he’s an adult, can make his own decisions.

BeamMeUp81 · 02/05/2024 12:07

Thank you all, I’m a sobbing mess now 😂. I guess he does choose to be with me, let’s face it a 10 hour round trip every weekend isn’t the easy option. My life would be unimaginably shit without him. I will keep my mouth shut 🤐

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2024 12:08

He has the option of leaving you. Many men leave women who are very or terminally ill - any nurses ok here will testify to that- and he's chosen not to and to live closer to you as he clearly loves you. He sounds like a keeper. Loving someone is through sickness and health. You deserve the love you give to others x

BeamMeUp81 · 02/05/2024 12:09

Yes chronic fatigue syndrome, had it for 9 years, caused by trauma and made worse by 4 lots of Covid. All things considered, I’m quite chipper day to day, although this week I’m going through a really angry/frustrated stage at being able to do so little, which is a new emotion.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 02/05/2024 12:10

Yes, I came to say the same thing: he has the option already, every minute of every day. He chooses to stay, not leave. It's that simple.

BeamMeUp81 · 02/05/2024 12:11

I know he has the option, I just worry that because he’s so bloody nice he wouldn’t take it because…he’s too nice and would feel really bad about it. That’s the loop I get stuck in in my head.

OP posts:
onawave · 02/05/2024 12:11

You can't give someone the option of leaving you, they have it.
You have no children, don't own a house together and no financial ties. He could leave any time he wants but he's still with you. I would deduce from that that he's exactly where he wants to be.
He sounds like a good guy, and you sound like you're being far too hard on yourself. Enjoy what you have. A loving loyal partner is a wonderful thing.

CallmePaul · 02/05/2024 12:19

This is what this board should be about, support for someone who needs it & no nasty comments.

Sounds like you are in a crap place mate, the guy seems great, enjoy it.

Francisflute · 02/05/2024 12:58

He's got the option of leaving you, any time he likes, and isn't taking it! Sounds like he understands your circs and likes you for who you are.

What support are you getting with the CFS/ post COVID? Anything via GP? If you've had it years, perhaps not much but it could be worth asking again, a good friend of mine has been recently referred to a specialist clinic after ages of struggling, feels like it's being taken a bit more seriously lately as a condition

BeamMeUp81 · 02/05/2024 13:13

@Francisflute yes I’m speaking to the GP regularly and also under the CFS clinic. There’s no real treatment or cure though, all you can do is learn how to pace yourself and manage the symptoms that way, which I already do as much as possibly. I basically lie still and rest as much as possible, and only move if I really have to do something, so there’s not much more I can do to pace myself! I really hope there are some advances in treatment now with the amount of people getting long covid. Being constantly exhausted and in pain is not much of a quality of life.

OP posts:
NicholJO · 02/05/2024 16:05

Hello again op I sort of know how you feel I don't have CFS. I suffer with fibamyalga I know it can put a strain on your mental health and relationship. But honestly he sounds like a really good man and he's probably wanting to move nearer to you so he could possibly help you and spend more time together. I know its hard but think positively as best you can

Starlight0212 · 16/06/2024 22:52

Ok I don’t no what to do Iv been in this situation 2 years now when I met my partner it was love at 1st sight..
little did I know till 6 month after that he wasn’t person who he said he was he had over stay is visa 18 years was taken from me by home office Iv fight every time to keep him here I got him out but last year home office said again he had to go back home I told him that I’m not fighting anymore that I don’t wanna help it’s took to much my kids gone through hell …

he gone took this back to court with home office using my information and my child even his solicitor when I told them to keep me out of it … Iv ask him to leave my house he will not go I feel I’m being used for his stay … I don’t want to call the police he should leave when I ask but he just say I will Iv even had my friends to get him out he not go .. he’s met all my family Iv only met one of his even tho he got lots here I know your all gonna tell me to call the police to move him but I didn’t want the trouble… I know I mess up

Pantaloons99 · 16/06/2024 22:59

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to bring this up. I don't think you can just be positive and put it out your mind either.

It's going to be at the forefront of your mind and isn't going to just go away.

You could bring up the fact you obviously have less energy to do things and you just want to check in and make sure he's feeling and doing ok in light of this. Then just see what he says. Does he understand cfs and what this can look like long term. You don't have to be over emotional with him ( even though this is a tough life at times). You can just get a sense of how things are for him and address what is going to be the elephant in the room in your mind.
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