Different morals & family values - please tell me your stories.

[Oksurething]

I (34F) am struggling to leave my boyfriend (40M) of 15months. I know in my heart that we're too different. Long story but I had isolated myself for 3 years prior to meeting him and now I cant let go.
Please could I hear your thoughts or stories on how things have worked out for you?

My biggest problem with him is that he doesn't see his daughter and has admitted she isn't top priority - he actually said " its bad but, you are no.1 / my boat is no.2 and she is no.3) It was shocking to hear and I kinda knew he meant it. Shocking. I would never have a child with him (I don't want to anyway but still) There are other issues like he lacks integrity, respect for others etc. but I cant seem to end it fully with him. What's wrong with me. The ambivalence it making my mind and body unwell :(

do you have children?

he would not have seen me for dust the very second i discovered this about him

the plus side? his daughter is undoubtedly ether off without him

Well I mean if he doesn't see her then she's not priority 3 at all is she? She's not any sort of priority as she's not even a factor in his life.

And someone who lacks integrity or respect for others...Well, you're an 'other'. Right now things might still be honeymoon golden...but one day you'll fall off his pedestal and become an 'other' and be treated with the same lack of respect as they are. Actually, worse, because he'll feel like you tricked him into thinking you were special.

That's how the minds of selfish people work.

Right now...he's pouring poison in your ear...weakening you. So first, you need to create distance.

Do you live together?

do you work? have friends?

For whatever reason you felt you needed to isolate yourself for three years, and then you met him and got together?
This has the feel almost of a rebound relationship to me.
They don't generally last because the people concerned don't really know each other that well and the cracks begin to show after a while.

His attitudes and behaviour are at odds with your principles.
This is insurmountable. You will be forever compromising your principles.
It is difficult to let go, if you have been hurt and lonely and fear the same happening again, but it sounds as though you need to end it, from a position of strength and integrity.

Thank you for the responses so far,

I don't know how I've let this slide, I was just listening and letting him show me his true colours.. I can't feel intimate or close to him now but I'm reluctant to end things.

I have family, friends and a good job so I'm lucky there.

I was in a toxic relationship so following that I isolated myself for 3y and when we met I felt human again, not stuck in the rabbit hole anymore .. i guess im scared of going back. Plus I have low self esteem so that probably doesn't help,
I wish I could be more cut-throat but I'm the opposite and often too emotional x

im guessing you haven’t told anyone in RL your boyfriends list of priorities

“different morals”?
No morals in the case of your boyfriend

Well you weren't in a healthy place when you got together hence your defences were down plus he obviously didn't say this on the first date.

It's fine that you're only aware of who he his now but you do need to act. Someone who says they prioritise their child below their boat (I mean, my DF may think it...) and their newish GF isn't a solid fella.

Maybe he meant it in a pragmatic day to day way if she lives overseas or something but what a way to express it even so.

What are the practicalities of breaking up, are you living together?

That’s a shoddy priority list putting his daughter last.

After my divorce i was with someone who seemed a decent human being on some counts but he also had children he did not see. It was confusing because he also had a daughter from another relationship living with him full time as mom was useless so on one hand he appeared as feckless father however he looked after his daughter living with him so i was confused.
In the end i finished things as it didn’t add up to me.
My current relationship which has just ended too was with someone where we had absolutely nothing in common. Different values, attidudes to work, education, life experiences, integrity etc etc. It’s still raw but i got to the point where i realised i am wasting my time with this person and there is nothing to build something on.

Go FORWARD, not back.

That's the trick. What would that look like to you??

Anyone who puts a boat above their own child isn’t capable of putting you or anyone else “number one”.

Stop believing everything he tells you and leave and work on your own self esteem and Independence. A therapist is a very good way to do this, get on the nhs or pay out of pocket if you can afford it, I think you really need it if you’ve ended up staying with someone like this.