Seeing friend after fallout

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Last year I withdrew from a close friendship (9y). My friend was acting like she didn’t like me, wasn’t happy for me and I found it hurtful. I tried to ask how she was doing, support with her stuff but each time we interacted I felt crap so I stopped trying. Haven’t heard anything since. I never had a direct conversation about it which is my bad and I know there are two sides. I hoped it would get better and then I didn’t think I wanted to stay friends anymore so it didn’t feel worthwhile or kind. I’ve heard that she has been scathing about me so I know she isn’t interested in being friends and last time I saw her in a group she was really off. I don’t want to be close anymore but I wanted to keep it civil and kind, but I think the ship has sailed on her side.

I’ve been invited to a mutual friend’s housewarming and I don’t know if she will be there. I feel stressed out about potentially seeing her, I won’t know anybody else. Part of me wants to make an excuse and visit mutual friend on another day to avoid it but I don’t want to miss out and this will happen in future (other mutual friends). It will probably get weirder the longer I avoid seeing her. Should I go? How should I handle it if we see each other?

I’m in my 30s btw. I know this is immature, I haven’t had a friendship end on bad terms before.

Don’t go. You can visit your friend another time. It’s not a major event.

You’re not being silly about this, you were hurt, and there is no reason to put yourself through any emotionally difficult event.

Life is too short to knowingly walk into situations that make you unhappy.

Just make your excuses and make a fuss of your friend and her new place another time.

It sounds like you have handled the situation with maturity, and kind consideration for both yourself and your friend!

If she has been saying negative things about you to others it is fine to go to the gathering and say hello politely, but maintain distance from her. It is a good life skill to not be overly friendly when you don't want to be.

If you think you need to avoid her or won't be able to at least say hello to her, then it would be better not to go, as that would make it awkward for your friend who is hosting.

If you are genuinely excited to meet new people and would enjoy the gathering then go. If you have more of a feeling like you 'ought' to go because you don't want to miss out you can give yourself permission to skip the gathering and catch up with your friend another time.

It's good to feel like you have options. You are in control of what you do in this situation and you only need to do what you feel comfortable doing.

Thank you for the kind replies and wise advice. It really means a lot.

If she hasn't bothered reaching out to you then she's not a friend so let it go, don't bother trying, move on and see your mutual friend another time.

Been in a similar situation, whilst the former friend and I weren't part of a friend group so there are no mutual friends, we still semi-regularly will find ourselves in the same place. Initially caused me quite a bit of anxiety as I didn't know how she would react/behave towards me but the situations are unavoidable and fortunately large enough events that we don't have to cross paths unless we set out to.

If you don't have to go, and your mutual friend wouldn't be put out by you not attending, I would give it a miss if it really makes you feel uncomfortable.

I've been through the exact same. Could have written it myself. In time I started going to events that I knew she would be at (mutual friends) we don't say hello. We just act like strangers. We had been friends for 14 years. Now haven't spoken for 10 years. I'm in my 40s now. I wish her all the best- but don't want to be friends and I don't even give it a second thought now if I see her. It will get easier. Be polite and pleasant and don't give it anymore air time than it needs. I'm sure you have plenty other good friendships. Concentrate on that. Good luck 🍀

Find out if she is going first

I recently had the same. I would try and avoid putting yourself through the hurt of seeing her where possible. It sounds like you really cared for her.

I had phased the friendship out as I realised that the only time this friend wanted to see me, was when she needed a favour. Like me to look after her kids. She had always told me, we were like sisters and that she had big love for me in that sense.

I then realised in fact that wasn't the case, it felt hurtful and deceitful. So I decided to save myself the hassle and phased myself out.

I was going to say "life is too short".. but I'm withholding that!! In your 30s, it's a great opportunity to learn skills to manage, navigate around, restore and recover old relationships. I'm hopeless at these skills, completely. However, I've noticed one of my two grown up sons (he's in his 40's and he's worked in UK, Japan, US, and India through his investment banking jobs) is really remarkable. I marvel at him to see how he navigates around awkward questions & moment. And the same thing I notice with one of our grown up grandchildren (Imperial College): She's breath-takingly astute and skilful. HOW, I marvel and ask myself? How does she do that? So, please give it a try. Charm your (lost) friend next time when you encounter her. It's worth a try: the skilled learnt or failures suffered will help you in the future awkward moments, of which there will be many, I know from bitter experience. I strive but continue to fail, alas and it's too late, possibly, for me. But not for you you have time!! 😀

It's a housewarming. Go if you want to. Plenty of space to wander to if she shows up. Or go early stay a short while in the daytime but for your friend and have another event you need to leave for ( even if this is going home). If she shows up, you can avoid her, or leave for the other 'event's or if she's a no show you can stay on
You are overthinking this. Go to your friends housewarming, stay or go, that's your choice. You are being immature about this...and theres no need.

Can you bring a plus one?

I would consider going to the party, maybe take a friend with you? If you have mutual friends, are you going to be able to avoid her forever? Much better to go and be polite and distantly friendly and hopefully she will do the same. Otherwise you're going to keep dreading/avoiding potential gatherings where she might be.

Happened to me long standing friendship suddenly became toxic and I didn't have a clue why. Mulled over it for a short while and eventually I just went to her home and asked why. She acted like there was no problem. Later I discovered that an ex boyfriend of hers had married a forces colleague of my DH. She was pissed because we had gone to the wedding. Decided you cannot please everyone and decided to please my self. Walked away without looking back.