Why do I feel worse after leaving abusive relationship?

[BravaAlpha]

Ex and I were river for ten years and have DC. He was controlling, coercive and sexually abusive. I left him with great difficulty yet now I’m struggling more than ever, I’m drinking too much, feel completely lost and lonely and struggling with a sense of self.

Freedom when you've been controlled for a long time can be really overwhelming. Could you get some counselling (a local domestic abuse charity should be able to signpost)?
Think about the things you need to do to survive and the things you can do to thrive, but also take some time to rediscover "you".
I've been in a similar position. It's really hard, but one day, you'll suddenly realise how far you've come and how much better your life is.

It'll probably take at least 6 months (possibly a year or two) to feel anywhere near comfortable.

First the trauma bond needs to pass (having as little contact as possible will be needed for that). It'll take a few months for your hormones to readjust (they've been conditioned to release according to his 'moods' so things like the release of cortisol and adrenaline etc... need to readjust to your new life).

Then you need to take time to adjust to being in your own company again. In conjunction with rediscovering your own inner voice and shaking off his in order to find peace and self love. It will take time.

Id suggest you ban the booze entirely from your life. All of it. If you want to to heal then you need to stop... punishing yourself with alcohol.

If you need something for endorphins then take up running or dancing around your flat to music.

Long walks might help with regaining peace too.

Thank you so much guys, that’s really helpful

You've been having a ahitty time of it with your ex. But it was familiar.

Your confidence is probably very low. You're probably still vigilant and wary.

Make sure you exercise. Small walks or a small run or swimming. Can bring mental peace too.

Don't underestimate what you've been through.

It sounds really really hard.

The relationship will have been providing something you needed, even if you didn't realise you needed it. Abusive relationships are very bonding, have you heard of trauma bonding? He may have been providing you with an outlet for your overwhelming need to care for someone, perhaps... codependency.

It makes sense that ending this has shaken you up, and that you don't know where to turn, emotionally. At the very least, he's provided something you could rely on (a shitty relationship), and you don't have that 'better the devil you know' feeling anymore.

Give yourself lots of time, and do things that feel nice for you; make sure they'll be things you'll be glad tomorrow that you did today. That's a good way to get through hard times: ask yourself 'will I be glad tomorrow if I choose to do xyz today?'

It's hard, what you've done, and what you are doing. Many aren't brave enough. Don't forget to collect the self respect you're due, for that.

Be kind to yourself, you've been through something really traumatic and it will take a while before you start to feel human again.xx

Be so kind to yourself, I promise it does get better.

Rape crisis are really great if you're looking for support following the sexual abuse but there is a waiting list, I'd recommend getting in touch, having the initial call and getting on that list of it's something you think would be helpful.

I imagine there will be a period of realisation for you as there was for me, where I would process one incident and a few days later the next one would surface and I would go through the same process.

Also happy for you to message me if you feel it would be beneficial to speak to someone who has had a similar experience. I am just over a year out.

Thank you so much everyone

You chose a good name! @BravaAlpha

Brava indeed!

yes everyone here is telling you what I’m about to, that it feels strange, awful, scary and wobbly at the beginning

I also felt literally THE most stupid person who had ever walked the earth. That was me in a state of repeated cringe for weeks. It was awful

but it passed, and it will all pass for you. Be kind to yourself and be your own best friend

we’re all here for you if you need it.

Completely normal to feel worse once you are safer.

You can heal