kids and relationships

[thelattelover]

Would you say:

Its better to have kids very early in a relationship
OR
Have them longer into the relationship..

And why??

I was with my partner a lifetime, teenage sweetheart. We were together about 10 yrs before deciding on kids (we'll he wanted to go earlier but I wanted to hold off until our 30s and we did) We lasted 20 yrs in total.... our kids were 3 and 4 when he left me.
He has his reasons for leaving..
We worked so well throughout the relationship until we had children (probably because I found it incredibly stressful and found 2 under 2 stressful and it had an effect on our relationship

Well he left and without me hoing into the whole siyuation he got with someone else very quickly and quickly pregnant. As in together about 2 months. Their baby is due to turn 1 now and are considering going again. They're together Roughly just over a year..

And please just cast aside I'm the ex and how hurtful I find it all. But beside me being the hurt party here am I the only one who thinks it's absolutely mental to have another baby so soon into the early days of a relationship or am I wrong,would it actually work out better that way? I do sometimes think now did I leave it too late to have kids with him, if I'd had them so much sooner would my kids have had their dad around longer before we ran into long term relation difficulties. Perhaps having kids quite quickly together during your honeymoon phase is better and while you're still learning to know one another and all that excitement is still there so it's not all mundane baby land and stresses. Perhaps cause you're both still putting your best foot forward with the relationship being so fresh so you'll do that towards parenting too???
It's just a thing I've been thinking about now because usually kids put so much stress on top of relationships I'm not really sure why you'd want to chance that so early on. Is it not better to get to enjoy one another first etc and enjoy child free time?? Just wanted others opinions on it. Would u have done pregnancy so soon with someone or waited? And if you did do pregnancy early did you relationship work?

I thought I done the ratio right of getting to know him, love him, enjoy time together and grow together before having children, but we did all that and didn't last... Our kids are 5&6 now and have no clue we were together as long as we were, they just see daddy and his new partner as an item now and I suppose that's what they're going to grow up and see rather than the 2 people who fell in love and created a home together and then planned them. Whereas my ex partner will now be around to watch any new children with the new partner grow because they're relationship is so fresh and in fairness to the new partner she must handle the pressure of motherhood much better than me, parenting with her is probably a breeze compared to me as I had post natal depression and just put way too much on myself

I dunno I suppose I just thought I done it the correct order but maybe that's a myth ??

If you're together a long time before you have kids you know each other really well and I think that means when your partner is under great stress and not being their best self you have a better sense of whether that's 'who they are' or if it is out of character and can judge accordingly.
When you don't know each other very well you don't have that certainty which I think is protective.

But a 20 year relationship is very successful especially given it went through some of your most transformative adult years, so you must have been very good together.
It could be that it wouldn't have been for forever even if you hadn't had children, but babies are often if not usually a big strain on a relationship, it takes really good teamwork and the commitment to each other to weather it and come out of the other side strong together.

Maybe the whole identity shift of prioritising children and midlife looming was greater than his commitment. Which is so sad when your young family are left.

Starting a family so early in a relationship is very high risk for unhappiness all round... Some people pull it off and it works out ok, many don't. Only time will tell.

Must be very hurtful to see him being a full time dad to two other children while your own don't have that though. It's ok to grieve for what your children have lost.

Don’t knock yourself! I doubt she’s finding it a breeze and she prob doesn’t know what she’s letting herself in for. I have always thought having 2 babies close together was madness and still do. And especially early in a relationship when you are just getting to know each other. I have 5 year intentional gap between mine as I knew full on motherhood wasn’t for me. Doesn’t mean it’s not for everyone though! All I’m saying is don’t measure yourself against his new partner. And I’m very sorry for your situation.
Even with big age gap we still got divorced for other reasons but having kids with the wrong person will sure as hell test a relationship!

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@thelattelover you’re reply is blank 😅

I'm a stepdad to two kids, 13 & 9, and we have a five year old. The steps are with us 12 days a fortnight with only every other weekend with their Dad.

We're doing fine despite a really stressful life. The oldest step started presenting ADHD symptoms during my wife's pregnancy with our youngest, and sure enough has a diagnosis now. The younger step is now presenting the same signs. It's exhausting..

But I think one of the reasons it's not affecting our relationship is that we've never known 'easy' together. We never had those years of just deciding to eat out because we felt like it, or just heading out and doing something. It's been with kids since day 1.

Sometimes I'm jealous that the step kids' dad got those carefree years with my wife. But mostly I think it helps - our relationship can't suffer from losing a freedom it never had.

OP - I don’t think there is a right answer on when to have kids… And I don’t think it helps to extrapolate from one relationship to make a universal rule.

If you and him had your kids early on - as teenagers or young adults - you’d have lasted for 20 years.

And in general - I don’t think many relationships that start as teenagers actually last the whole lifetime. And yours lasted longer than most.

Who knows what his new partner is like. It’s unlikely the pregnancy at 2mo was planned. She took a gamble with that. Personally - i wouldn’t have kids with someone who left their wife of 20 years with 2 tiny kids. Screams of a very selfish man.

But maybe she really wants to have kids and her fertility is running out, so the risk is worth it for her.

Whether or not they last for 20 years is to be seen.

But nest thing you can do for your kids is to MOVE on and find someone who can be a better partner to you. Do not dwell on the past.

@MMmomDD no her fertility isn't running out she's in her early 20s, my ex is hitting 40 next yr. Maybe she's just pushing it because of his age and fear I'm not sure, and I think he wants more as well. I'm not dwelling on the past. I am broken by the circumstances of course but that's not what I wanted my post to be about. It was just because it got me thinking are we right to leave kids well down the line in relationships. That's what we are kinda taught to do (although I know in life sometimes that doesn't happen) my own mum and dad had me very young and they lasted until I was 3. So I grew up knowing myself to settle down, grow with the person then introduce kids because I feel safe with them and look how that belly flopped on me like many others I suppose. It just makes me feel so sorry for our children now that we were together a lifetime but now the kids are here and still so young they already are growing up in the same life I did.
How Do I explain to my daughter in later yrs wait until u fall in love and then have a family because her own mum and dad done that then dad went and had a baby immediately with someone else. It counteracts everything. It just made me think on when is the right time to have kids in a relationship

Me and DP had DD 10 months into our relationship. As in DP went into labour 10 months to the day after our first kiss. It really was not the plan ,we had no idea DP was pregnant until she went into labour (and wasn't that fun!), we weren't living together and had both independently decided we were never having kids before meeting each other.

It worked out really well for us. DP and DD moved into my house 2 months after DD was born, and life has largely been good for us.

Me and DP got lucky, the woman I happened to get pregnant was the one I was meant to be with. I can't imagine how badly things would have gone if I'd had a kid with any of my exes. I love the fact that by the time I'm 42 my child will be an adult, and me and DP will have years and years to focus on us. I loved that I was a young parent, I had so much more energy than I do now. I've just spent a weekend chasing after my niece and nephew and its knackering at age 40 in a way it never was at 25.

But despite all that, there's no way I'd recommend having kids early into a relationship. I feel like there's a whole section of our relationship that's missing. The early days living together, going away on trips together just the two of us, late nights out. We never bothered getting married because we had too much else to deal with, and then it had been too long and seemed a bit silly to have a big wedding. And we lost friends, because they were all young and free and single, and we were trapped at home with a kid. And now we're nearly free, and they're all going on family holidays.

We're starting to make up for it now, DD is 16 and in a couple of years she'll be off to university. We can go on nights out and not have to worry about a baby sitter, and this Saturday we're going away for a night and leaving her home alone. But its not the same as having that freedom in your 20s.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change a single thing about my life. If I did, DD wouldn't exist, and she is the best thing that ever happened to me. But I'd never recommend anyone jump into having kids. Give it a couple of years, give it a couple more and then start thinking about it.

If the new partner is nearly 15+ years younger (early 20s and 40), this may well be a mid life crisis manifesting itself early or a way to keep the younger partner happy. Most of my friends who are still together had kids either mid 30s or early 40s, some had been together 5 years, others 10+ years so I am not sure you can make any determination on the basis of when everyone else has kids. You also don’t know how long the new relationship will last past the honeymoon phase.

@Bobbotgegrinch 👌

@thelattelover

OP - you don’t need to plan what you’ll be telling your daughter. And in any case -
she will not be using your advice on how to conduct relationships/when to have kids. She will be a grown up and will be following a path she chooses, on a lot of influences and experiences. Only one of these multiple inputs will be your relationship with her dad.
She will certainly not be overanalysing how and when he had another child.
To her - it will be in long ago past and a given….

With respect - you are stuck in this place of blaming yourself for how it all turned out. And also thinking that it means your children will grow up unhappy.
But it does not have to be the case.

Your kids being small and not remembering divorce is a good thing. Why would you want them to remember you being together and be hurt by your split???
Your relationship and history with their father - is YOUR history. At their age - your kids do not need to know much about your history. They just need to be loved and feel secure with both parents.

OP - have you had any help dealing with your divorce? In your place - I’d look for a good counsellor to help you with acceptance of what happened; dealing with unfairness of it; and with moving on.
So that you can focus on being a parent to your kids.

thankyou @MMmomDD
No I'd never want them to remember anything bad, I don't want them having the same experience I did which is why I'm trying to do the very opposite. My mum and dad didn't really have much good to say about one another, I always felt on edge probably more so with my mum, and it wasn't any good to me. So I'm prepared not to let them feel the same way.
As for the rest of your advice 👌 thankyou and I did take it with respect and agree with you

Honestly? He just sounds like a run of the mill shit bloke, OP.

@thelattelover
Look - I know how unfair it all is. And it’s easy to be stuck in anger about what he did; and regrets about how it all went on. And blaming ourselves is what we women do often.
But - i have seen friends fixated on the unfairness and anger. And paralysed, unable to accept that bad things happen. Without a reason.

But life does not have to stop.

You seem to be defining yourself as either a child of dysfunctional parents; or one part of 20years long broken marriage… But what about you?? Where are YOU in this all?

You have never been just you. Went from being a child to a teenage relationship that took you all the way to mid-life.
Maybe it’s time to discover who YOU are???
And maybe this will help you move on

Also - wanted to say…
Her (early 20s) - him almost 40… Divorced
with two kids… Kid within a year. Possibly another kid soon.
It’s a train wreck waiting to happen.