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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I go back with my girlfriend?

13 replies

zackmills · 01/05/2024 16:14

I'm 35, working from home as software engineer. I have been in a relationship for 2 and half years with a Chinese woman, she's 30 and is a PHD student.

I'm the guy that don't talk much and prefers to stay at home, she is more talkative and likes going out more and she's more adventurous.
I don't have friends, she has many friends from the university.

She has to work a lot during her PHD, usually staying until late in the university which is stressful to her and she developed depression and is taking medication.

I tried to help her during our relationship. I went to supermarket and cooked for her during a long time, also washed the dishes. I gave her emotional support when she was feeling down. Last year I stopped cooking for her because even though I did everything she complained about my food and she was not helping me with anything in the house, then we started eating ready meals or she went to restaurant.
I also helped her with some work she had from the university.

Sometimes she said she was very happy, other times she said our relationship was boring and she wanted to break up. She complained I didn't pay too much attention to her and also didn't talk much, which is true, I don't talk much and specially didn't talk with her friends.

Almost every time she wanted to go out we went out, like going to restaurant or to park, etc. But she complained that I almost never asked her to go out and that I worked on my own projects at home. I worked on these projects to try to earn more money.

She is very temperamental, often she's very lovely and caring, but suddenly if I do some mistake or make her upset or I don't do what she asks me, she gets very aggressive, screams and even physically assaulted me multiple times.

She met my parents and it didn't went well, she didn't like my mom's attitude towards her, saying that she was not polite to her, I didn't notice this. Also my mom treats me like a baby, which is true and I also don't like and she took notice on this and didn't like it.

About 6 months ago she started asking me to propose to her in marriage or give my money to her for her to administer. This is because she's from China and this seems to be normal there because the woman needs safety in the relationship, but I said I would not give my money to her as here's not the custom and also that I needed more time before proposing to her.

After that, about one and half months ago she got upset with me because a few things and said our relationship was boring, and since I didn't propose or gave my money to her she decided to look for another person on Tinder and Bumble.

She met another guy and went out with him, and started a relationship with him. She said she was happy with him, but the guy kept hurting her feelings because he many times said he would meet her but in the end he would not be available for her, like not going to meet her or going many hours later. Also he lied about a few things to her.

One week ago the guy said to her that he has no feelings to her and they broke up. I don't know the guy so maybe he was just interested in sex or he's really too busy to have a relationship now. She usually went to meet him at his house at night, so that's why I think maybe he only wanted sex, but who knows.

Yesterday, she talked again with this guy that has previously even blocked her on WhatsApp.

I still have feelings for her because we have good memories together, she's beautiful and kind. Also I think it's hard for me to find another partner because I don't talk much.

All my family says I should no go back with her, but they don't know her so well as me.

She says that it's my fault that she found another person, it's my fault that she is felt bad because if it was not for me not proposing to her or giving her the money to administer she would not go to meet the other guy and end up with him breaking up with her.

She said she would only go back with me if I propose to her in marriage or give my money to her so she feels safe in the relationship.

OP posts:
lostoldname · 01/05/2024 16:17

She was aggressive. She is not kind. So no.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 01/05/2024 16:18

She's nasty. She's using you for a visa & money. She calls you boring.

Walk away.

category12 · 01/05/2024 16:20

She's not kind, she's assaulted you often. Domestic abuse tends to get worse, not better.

Don't get back with her.

Maybe talk to Mankind and get some support staying out of the relationship.

Faduckssake · 01/05/2024 16:21

No she's absolutely horrible to you. Please don't get back with her.

vodkaredbullgirl · 01/05/2024 16:22

You are well rid.

BoohooWoohoo · 01/05/2024 16:24

You are not compatible.

The only bit I agree with her is the bit about your mother. Being babied by your mother is a major red flag and makes you not marriage material because women want to marry a man and not a baby. Major red flag that you didn’t like the fact that she noticed too.

Paying a woman to stay with you is prostitution. This woman clearly doesn’t love you and will leave you as soon as she meets someone richer who she feels more for. She’s only available right now because the other man didn’t want her. Wake up

Illpickthatup · 01/05/2024 16:26

The fact that's she's been violent towards you is enough of a reason to stay away from her but aside from that you just don't sound compatible. She sounds like a narcissist and not a nice person at all. She will go off with someone else at the first opportunity. Better to be single that with someone who treats you badly.

cheercaptain · 01/05/2024 16:33

No. You should not settle for a relationship or associate yourself with someone who is so incompatible with who you are, and vice versa. Also demanding marriage and access to your money are red flags. Life is too short to be in a relationship that makes you both so miserable.

NetMum2 · 02/05/2024 06:30

I’m not sure what you would get out of the relationship. Shes unkind, unappreciative and abusive. Don’t settle for someone so awful.

DrJoanAllenby · 02/05/2024 06:35

'she gets very aggressive, screams and even physically assaulted me multiple times.'

She is abusive and horrible.

Nothing you have written makes her sound endearing.

She's a 'My way or the highway' type of woman and will always belittle you and hurt you.

Usernamechange1234 · 02/05/2024 06:41

She’s not kind, she’s vile.

Listen to the people who love you!

You deserve better than this manipulative, nasty, money grabber.

K8ate · 02/05/2024 12:44

I would treat her the way she treated you.

Have sex with her a few times and then tell her she’s not good enough and dump her.

Frith2013 · 02/05/2024 12:53

Go to the police. They can help you get her to stay away.

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