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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I the problem?

20 replies

Eleanor66 · 01/05/2024 15:39

I have been with my partner 18 years we met when he visited my local pub. He moved 90 miles to be with me and helped bring up my daughter. We have had a tough few years due to his now long term health problems and unemployment. I supported him through this. Problem is I would love to get married but he says he cant see the point we are both divorced. He said his last marriage was a mistake I heard through a friend that she gave him an ultimatum. last year I more or less did the same and he agreed but a month later he said he didnt really want to so I cancelled the register office and was gutted. A couple of times after a few drinks he has said he should have married his first love. Bear in mind he had chance to get back with her at one point and he said no! Admittedly as he keeps saying she is from 20 years ago, To be fair this still makes me feel worthless . I feel she is everything Im not. I feel although I am his longest relationship and have been there through thick and thin im worth nothing!

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SummerInSun · 01/05/2024 15:43

Frankly, if he's unemployed and likely to remain so while you are the one earning all the money and I hope contributing to a pension etc, AND he's not into you enough to jump at the chance of marrying you after all these years, then the last thing I would want to do it marry this guy. Protect your assets and your DD's inheritance by not marrying him.

Personally I'd seriously consider ditching him too but only you can decide whether he adds more to your life, happiness and self-esteem than the feeling of being the person he settled for takes away from it.

Shoxfordian · 01/05/2024 15:47

Why are you with him when he openly tells you he should have married someone else? Find some self respect and dump him

Opentooffers · 01/05/2024 15:47

Do not marry this man, its lucky
he has said no, he could of taken full advantage of you. Once you are married he will have rights to half of all your assets, so if you own your own home, half of that, which he could take in divorce regargless of you paying for it.
What is his long term condition, does he get pip for it?

Eleanor66 · 01/05/2024 16:00

we own a home together as been together 18 years.

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Eleanor66 · 01/05/2024 16:03

he works full time although his health is not good. We have mirror wills so whatever happens our share goes to my daughter. I work part time.

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ChangeAgain2 · 01/05/2024 16:08

He doesn't want to get married. I understand that might be hurtful but he's with you. Although, I do think you need to take legal advice to solidify your position if something happens to either of you. Like medical/ financial POA.

Eleanor66 · 01/05/2024 16:11

Our finances are separate no joint bank account and we have a mirror will leaving everything to my daughter. Bear in mind my daughter is autistic and he has helped raise her from 5 years old.

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ChangeAgain2 · 01/05/2024 16:17

Eleanor66 · 01/05/2024 16:11

Our finances are separate no joint bank account and we have a mirror will leaving everything to my daughter. Bear in mind my daughter is autistic and he has helped raise her from 5 years old.

I'm more thinking that if either of you had a terrible accident you'd be able to make decisions for the other.

Eleanor66 · 01/05/2024 16:31

Never thought of that he has been in one accident which left him going in and out of hospital and he lost his job. He is now employed again but health not brillant.

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ChangeAgain2 · 01/05/2024 16:34

Eleanor66 · 01/05/2024 16:31

Never thought of that he has been in one accident which left him going in and out of hospital and he lost his job. He is now employed again but health not brillant.

A friend recently died and his long term partner had to do everything via the parent because they wasn't married and next of kin.

Eleanor66 · 01/05/2024 16:41

Do you know how I go about sorting this out as I say we just have a mirror will each of us leaving our share to my daughter ?? Nothing in place due to sudden death.

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Eleanor66 · 01/05/2024 16:42

Accident is what I meant to put if one of us is incapacitated!

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Dadjoke007 · 01/05/2024 16:57

Opentooffers · 01/05/2024 15:47

Do not marry this man, its lucky
he has said no, he could of taken full advantage of you. Once you are married he will have rights to half of all your assets, so if you own your own home, half of that, which he could take in divorce regargless of you paying for it.
What is his long term condition, does he get pip for it?

Does it matter? I thought cohabiting for that long made little difference and he could still claim say a 50/50 split

Eleanor66 · 01/05/2024 17:37

Would I still need power of attorney even though he has listed me as next of kin on medical records?

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Eleanor66 · 01/05/2024 17:40

The house was bought between us so if we split it would be 50/50. Our finances are separate but he pays more than his fair share to bills and can honestly say he has never taken advantage of me.

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theworldie · 01/05/2024 17:41

A couple of times after a few drinks he has said he should have married his first love

Well that’s nice isn’t it?

Sorry to be blunt but you’d be an idiot to marry this man. I’d be running far away, not tying myself to him even more.

ChangeAgain2 · 01/05/2024 18:30

Eleanor66 · 01/05/2024 17:37

Would I still need power of attorney even though he has listed me as next of kin on medical records?

Yes. A next of kin cannot give consent to providing or withholding care.

Choosing a next of kin is not the same as appointing a Lasting Power of Attorney. A Lasting Power of Attorney can make health and care decisions for you if you lose mental capacity.

category12 · 01/05/2024 18:51

Dadjoke007 · 01/05/2024 16:57

Does it matter? I thought cohabiting for that long made little difference and he could still claim say a 50/50 split

No, cohabiting gives no rights in the UK. If they bought the house together, then that's a shared asset, but there would be no claim on each other's pensions, or individual savings etc.

Mirror will is all very fine, but can be revoked without you knowing, and once you're dead nothing to stop him changing it.

Eleanor66 · 01/05/2024 19:04

When im dead if I go before him my share is left to my daughter. My nieces and nephews know this. No claim on pensions is true but we have each left each other as a beneficiary to each others pensions. Despite the marriage issue I love and trust him.

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