I (M22) failed my gf (F20) (now ex). What chance of reconciliation do I have?
I am in the UK, she is in India, so all of our contact is done via social media etc.
Firstly, she is has a disorder and trauma that she has informed me about. This trauma involves the people she trusted leaving or treating her badly.
Secondly, we were in a bad situation with her family who had now forbade our talking. This was no wrongdoing on either of our parts. Things just didn’t go to plan.
Due to both of these things, our contact was very limited for a good month. First, we talked just when she could and her family weren’t around. This was next to no calling and very few moments that we could text. Then they found we were still talking and very strictly said to make sure I was blocked. She suggested that we don’t talk for a bit just to be safe.
A few days later, she rings me and we have a nice call and FaceTime. It was amazing to see and hear her again. The following night, she calls me again and we talk a bit. Then she tells me that she might have to go for a little bit soon because some guy she hadn’t heard from in years wanted to FaceTime. I was obviously very upset and felt uncomfortable and disrespected that she wanted to use our very limited time to talk to some random guy. I felt I should have been prioritised, especially given the circumstances. I stated this and said I don’t want her to. She kept saying but it was already planned and stuff and he’s just a friend. I raised my voice a bit because I use every available second I had to talk to her. I prioritised her over anything and anyone. I said “I don’t give a fck who he is.” She responded telling me not to be rude. I said “no, it’s not fair. We barely get to talk at all and you wanna use our time to talk to some fcking pr*ck?” She went silent after this. I immediately apologised and said I didn’t mean to raise my voice. I said I wasn’t meant to do that and I’m sorry. I said I wish I said it more calmly, I just lost control.
This is the first and only time in the 8 months we were together that I had raised my voice with her. It is my biggest regret and I hate myself for it. I had never even really been mad at her before.
She went away for a bit to talk to her mum and called me back after 2 hours. I said I was sorry for before. I had cried while she was gone and had this horrible feeling in my stomach. She has always told me that I was the only true comfort she had, the only person who had truly loved her and been there for her. She always said I was the best thing that ever happened to her. It felt like such a betrayal from me and like I had failed her. She had told me how others always scolded her and shouted at her when she did something without bad intentions.
We talked about what happened and she said it was just unexpected. I explained why I got mad calmly and she said she understood and would’ve just appreciated if I said it like that the first time. I wish I did, it really hurt me. She said to just not do it next time and it’ll be ok. In the tjme she was gone, she said she spoke to the guy for about 10 minutes. I honestly felt a bit disrespected that she still spoke to him after I showed I was clearly uncomfortable with it but I didn’t say anything.
Fast forward 2 days, she is speaking like everything is fine, saying I love you and I need you etc, and has done over those 2 days as well. She comes back after an hour of no messages and then says she hasn’t felt the same for me since I screamed at her. She said it had been hurting her forever since. I was shocked that she called it screaming but I understood that her trauma may have made her view it that way. Either way, I hate that I raised my voice to begin with.
She then said she’d broken up with me and this was goodbye. I pleaded with her to work it out like we always do and we always said we can get through anything together. I was and still am in a really bad place mentally and I needed her. She refused and became ruder, just saying bye to me. She said she is tired of having people around her who scream at her when she does things without bad intentions. That someone she had found comfort in had now done that. She said I was only one who hadn’t done so. She had begged me to stay after many things she did that hurt me and I forgave her. I always stayed. I told her that and she said she never asked me to do that even if she begged. She ended up blocking me on everything.
After this, I felt like I was worthless to her. Like I meant nothing. Everything I did for her just didn’t matter anymore because of this one mess up.
Did I really f*ck everything up? Is it possible that she’ll ever forgive me? I hurt so much and hated myself for raising my voice. I love her more than anything and, I know it sounds silly in 8 months, but I thought she was the one. It feels like my whole future has fallen apart.
I know a lot of people are gonna say there wasn’t much luck of a good future for us. I just wanna know, after what I did, what chance of talking to her again I have.