Is this situation likely to improve?

[PhotoLop]

I've been with my partner for nearly five years. We are happy together, no plans to live together, both have teenage children so no plans to merge.

My divorce was relatively easy, his was acrimonious. His ex seems to have a lot of problems, especially work/money. Doesn't hold down jobs for long, quite chaotic. My dp is the opposite. As his kids are more often with their mum, he pays maintenance plus extra to cover the latest chaos, for example dropping her working hours, splitting up with her partner or not working at all sometimes. He sees it as helping the kids have a homelife with her, but has admitted it puts him in a terrible financial and relationship situation.

He is in debt and has been for years. He says he'll sort the situation with his ex but I've seen the messages and heard the calls and I can understand why it has been difficult.

The impact on 'us' is hard. I have my own home (mortgaged) and pretty stable and secure. Obviously there's a big financial difference, I have assets, he has none. He says things like wanting to get married, but I know that would mean my kids inheritance being used to fund his ex. For example his parents give money which they never see again, their business but I think they are tired of it too.

He just doesn't seem to have a solution. Perhaps I am his hoped for solution...

His daughters will soon become 18. Does anyone have any thoughts or experience of whether things may improve? I'd like a stable relationship which doesn't involve chaos and bottomless debt.

I imagine once his daughters are 18, the situation with supporting the mum may be improved, but I'd imagine his focus may shift to supporting his daughters?

Honestly I understand his want to help create a good home life for the DC with their mum, but he's just enabling her poor choices + lifestyle, whilst impacting himself and you too.

I wouldn't be marrying him when you have such differing financial situations / ways of working, especially with DC on both sides involved.

This situation is unlikely to improve. You'd be mad to consider buying a house with him if he has debt and no assets. 18 is a very expensive age (driving lessons, cars, insurance etc), particularly if they want to go to uni/college, so don't expect things to improve financially for a few years. Stay as you are, protect your assets and try to zone out his ex as much as possible. It must be annoying having that situation going on as background noise the whole time.

No it won't improve.

He might be a good man but being in debt will cause problems unless you agree to pay for holidays, outings, theatre, restaurants etc and he accepts.

Him accepting may lead to resentment.

You will lose Dina es and respect dow a man who can't pay his way.

It's doomed.

It seems like a 'money' issue at the moment but it actually isn't. It's a values issue. I had a relationship like this years ago - he had nothing; despite being significantly younger, I had a house, savings, a pension. I heard all the same stories - he's a good dad, ex got his money blah blah blah. Sadly, I believed him, paid off his debts, sold my house and bought with him. And then I watched him take out new credit cards, spend money like water, buy now pay later... Once I'd reached the end of my patience and told him that the bank of me was closed, he went off with someone else.

I now know there's a reason why some people are secure and others are not: it's down to their values and attitudes (don't buy what you can't afford, you are not entitled to it just because you want it), not because they've been unlucky or are being a good dad. I consider myself to be a good mum too, and a big part of that has been providing a stable home for my dc within my means.

Don't go there. It cost me dearly.

Unfortunately it sounds like he is unable to say no to his ex, and given the DD's are almost 18, this has been the case for at least 20 years.

I would never finance somebody else's family/DC at the expense of my own; this is what you would actually be doing.

You should not marry him until he is bringing at least the same to the table, and definitely not weighing it down. As we know that's never going to happen, I can't see the situation improving particularly as you would be the solvent solution to all his problems.

@MrsCratchitstwiceturneddress sorry to hear that, sounds really hard. I agree with what you say, live within your means etc is a value I have. He's more likely to 'buy now pay later'.

@Starseeking agreed re his daughters, unfortunately they've not had a great example in terms of financial attitudes by their mum. Through no fault of their own, they ask for a lot of spending and haven't learned the value of work to earn. They are likely to expect handouts as that's what they've learned as they grow up, rather than wanting to make their own way in the world.

You can continue having a relationship with him forever if you choose just don't marry him or live together.
You are not matched financially and you'll end up being 'the loser' in the end plus his attitude to money will irritate you intensely once the current reasons run out and things don't change. Because, in my experience (as someone older) people don't change.

@PhotoLop
With regards to his DDs turning 18. It’s never too late! Encourage them to get jobs/ educate/ both. Start to withdraw financial support but offer other forms of help. It’s never too late to learn the value of money!!
Could your DP have a proper conversation with his DDs about finances, how much he’s wasting on them, how his own financial future is insecure. I know my kids would not want me to make those sacrifices so they could have a luxurious lifestyle. My youngest got her first job in our local pub, washing up, only 6 hrs a week, at almost 18. She came home and said, “ I don’t think working’s for me!”. I said, “ it’s not for me either!! But she understood. 18 year olds are not stupid

Is their mum having some sort of mental health issue? Just curious as sounds like she's super struggling.

As for your dp don't marry him but I think you already know that.

He needs to teach his dcs about money etc if they have picked up habits from their mum. He also needs to establish some sort of boundary that he isn't bank of dad.... or else no it will never improve.

I'm sorry op

@Onehouratatime it's possible she has some mental health problems but who knows. There have been times when she's been quite friendly towards me but then will flip out when she doesn't get her way (ie dp not complying with her demands), she and I rarely have much contact.

I've shown her kindness in the past (helped with a job referral) but then she'll turn aggressive towards me (swearing etc) when she's not happy about something.

I'd like a stable relationship which doesn't involve chaos and bottomless debt

Then go find it. It's your responsibility to provide that for yourself, not his to provide it for you.