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Original poster

Narcissist partner - issues with daughter

11 replies

RBush22 · 01/05/2024 11:34

Hi everyone
I need some advice - I have 2 kids (3 year old daughter and 6 month old). My partner (not married) is what I've recently realised a "narcissist". He hardly makes any effort with his children - I do everything pretty much (currently on mat leave). I have issues in the relationship just me and him (emotional abuse, taking advantage, selfishness, not affording school fees etc) and have wanted to leave him for along time but have stayed as I'm scared to be honest. But now there seem to be problems appearing with our daughter.

My daughter does not seem very close to him. He has never taken her out on his own, never bathed her, doesn't play with her, is only happy to sit with the TV on with her. Recently she has become very rejecting of him - he demands a "good morning" every morning and she shouts "NO" and hits the sofa. The other day he came into the room while I had been up with the kids for an hour playing nicely together and she shouts "YUCK" at him. She has started demanding that I take her to playgroup as daddy is "scary" and this morning cried proper tears as she wanted me to take her.

I'm getting fed up of a) not just the way my relationship is with him, but now b) the way he is towards my daughter and how that relationship is unfolding. The way he is with my daughter now makes me even more scared to leave him as he wouldn't appear to be capable of meeting her emotional needs if he got time alone with the kids. Plus the 6 month old is too young to voice anything.

Any advice for me please on how to cope? Do I stick it out a few more years till the kids can talk to me properly? And maybe gather evidence of how he behaves with them and their reactions?

OP posts:
LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 01/05/2024 11:42

Young children can like one parent more than the other for a while and be vocal about it! It's quite natural and then they swap allegiance. However it sounds like there is more going on in your relationship than just a toddler's dislike of your partner. If you have serious misgivings about staying with him, then make plans to leave. Find out what you would be entitled to, especially as you are not married. Make secret plans. But he might want to see your children and that's something to factor in to your decision.

Sera1989 · 01/05/2024 12:00

Your daughter describing your partner as scary is very telling. Although you may not like the idea of him looking after her on her own, would you rather she was around him up to 50% of the time or 100% of the time as now?

goldenretrievermum5 · 01/05/2024 12:16

Get rid, now. I married a narcissist and stayed until our daughter went to uni - I thought that keeping her life uninterrupted was for the best but in reality all it did was cause lasting emotional damage to both her and me. If your poor 3 year old is describing daddy as scary then that’s all you need to know.

idontlikealdi · 01/05/2024 12:57

Run.

TwilightSkies · 01/05/2024 12:59

He’s not going to change, and the longer you stay the more damage it will do to your children.

Wrapmelon · 01/05/2024 15:33

I understand why you worry. If you leave him now and if he wants to, he can go for some co-parenting solution and she will be with him alone, without your presence.
I'm going through something similar, but I was able to gather lots of evidence to prove his inability to be a responsible father, but it still is a dayly battle to get full parental authority, which I struggle to understand.
I have arranged many ways for him to be with our dc, but I am adamant it must be supervised only.
So I think you might be right to first find ways to prove later on, what you are experiencing now. Take pictures, record him unknowingly, check his computer, phone, log how much time he spends with her and what they do together. Especially all the times he made your life more difficult than it should be.
This might take you 6 months, a year maybe. But it's for your daughters safety.
Good luck. I will be watching this post closely, some very wise advice might come your way, which I could very much do with too💪8

Original poster
RBush22 · 01/05/2024 21:21

Wrapmelon · 01/05/2024 15:33

I understand why you worry. If you leave him now and if he wants to, he can go for some co-parenting solution and she will be with him alone, without your presence.
I'm going through something similar, but I was able to gather lots of evidence to prove his inability to be a responsible father, but it still is a dayly battle to get full parental authority, which I struggle to understand.
I have arranged many ways for him to be with our dc, but I am adamant it must be supervised only.
So I think you might be right to first find ways to prove later on, what you are experiencing now. Take pictures, record him unknowingly, check his computer, phone, log how much time he spends with her and what they do together. Especially all the times he made your life more difficult than it should be.
This might take you 6 months, a year maybe. But it's for your daughters safety.
Good luck. I will be watching this post closely, some very wise advice might come your way, which I could very much do with too💪8

Edited

Thank you! What sort of evidence were you trying to gather? It's really hard here as some days he's very sweet and other days awful and selfish to me and the kids and my family (the narcissism). Overall, he's a very lazy parent who wants others to do it all for him. He's also very controlling and manipulative. You are so right that the worries stem from what could happen when I'm not there.

OP posts:
Original poster
RBush22 · 01/05/2024 21:22

goldenretrievermum5 · 01/05/2024 12:16

Get rid, now. I married a narcissist and stayed until our daughter went to uni - I thought that keeping her life uninterrupted was for the best but in reality all it did was cause lasting emotional damage to both her and me. If your poor 3 year old is describing daddy as scary then that’s all you need to know.

Thank you - did you not worry at the time that your daughter could end up being alone with your husband and therefore not have you to protect her/keep the house stable?

OP posts:
Mrsgreen100 · 27/01/2025 16:56

goldenretrievermum5 · 01/05/2024 12:16

Get rid, now. I married a narcissist and stayed until our daughter went to uni - I thought that keeping her life uninterrupted was for the best but in reality all it did was cause lasting emotional damage to both her and me. If your poor 3 year old is describing daddy as scary then that’s all you need to know.

made exactly the same mistake,
wish I’d left years ago , stayed together for the sake of the child , often leads to a lifetime of emotional damage and suffering for them as a result.

Wrapmelon · 28/01/2025 16:32

@Mrsgreen100
Could you maybe offer some ideas, in hindsight, that would have helped you getting full custody or would have kept your child safe?
So sorry though for your situation. Thank you for your response. I hope one day its possible to fight this taboo-like stuation, it just seems so hopeless

Louisiannadaisy · 19/04/2025 09:23

I would pop the baby monitor on and leave her with him while you pop to the shop. See if it reveals anything. I would trust gut with this one.

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