I feel overwhelmingly unhappy in my relationship

[Mamatothreekiddos]

i have been in a relationship with the same person for the last 11 years we have three kids together and if it wasn’t for them i wouldn’t be here. I feel completely trapped with no where to go. I feel like the person I once was is completely dead in the water. I don’t know how to build myself up strong enough to leave him. When he’s at home he does nothing but watch tv and I mean nothing but he moans about everything, and it’s always my fault. If the kids are lll it’s my fault, if the grass hasn’t been cut it’s my fault, he won’t lift a finger to help me but makes me feel like the worst person ever. I don’t do my hair or makeup anymore I dress in joggers everyday because if I buy something new he always asks me where I got the money for it and then moans that he can’t afford to buy new things but yet he has a pretty tidy wardrobe and always goes out looking tidy, if I even attempt to dress up he shoots me down again and asks me who I’m trying to impress. I’m overweight and my health has plummeted the last 5 years, I’ve no one to turn to because I shut them all out because of him and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so helpless

You need to leave/kick him out, i was in a very similar situation for 14 yrs, trust me, even with all the what if's it will be like a weight has been lifted. There will be struggles, there will be issues, but you wont have to think about the consequences regarding him at all. You can find yourself again and start being happy with your kids

Do you work?

Do you own your property?

Can you make an appointment with a solicitor?

Hi OP, that sounds like a really suffocating situation to be in! It’s surprising how someone’s negativity and criticism can slowly wear you down to the point where it’s difficult to connect back with the outside world. Well done for getting it down here!

What are the things that are holding you back from leaving? It can be really useful to articulate this so you can begin getting clarity on the steps you need to take.

I think it’s really common to feel v dependent and feel like it won’t be possible to cope away from the person, then later once you’ve left to discover it was them that was wearing down your sense of resilience all along. It’s really emotionally depleting being around someone dragging you down all the time with their negativity and stale, mean energy.

It’s also really common to feel like you don’t have a support network, particularly if you’ve been in a relationship with someone who is undermining your confidence like this and slowly isolating you. You have support here. Maybe another step could be reaching out irl to community groups or other networks locally?

Don’t feel like you have to do and solve everything at once – think of it as like a spiral, that starts with small steps in the direction you want to go in. You’ve made a first small step by writing here and getting outside support and perspective x

You don't need to build yourself up strong enough to leave - you will find strength and happiness as soon as you are free from him.

Are you married? What's your housing/work situation? What resources - family/friends - can you call on?

@Mamatothreekiddos There is another thread on here today 'tell me what you love or admire in your partner / husband' or something along those lines. I suggest you give it a read. The responses are lovely (including my own hopefully!) and if I was single, it would give me faith that there are a LOT of really decent blokes out there who will respect you, cheer you up, make you laugh, make you feel desired, be an equal plus many, many more... Does you DP have even ONE of these qualities? It doesn't sound likely from your post. Life is too short to be in such an unhappy relationship. Put yourself and your kids first and choose to be happy.