Engaged but no intimacy, what to do?

[Docmartindiva]

I am engaged to my DP of 6 years, (both in early 30's) he treats me very well and we have a nice lifestyle and a beautiful house that we own. We get along well with one another's friends and families.

The problem is that we have a lack of intimacy in our relationship. We rarely kiss, he never says "I love you" and we haven't had sex since January. I've brought all of this up several times, sometimes I've cried to him about it but nothing ever changes. I have suggested going to couples counselling but he is reluctant. I don't think he enjoys discussing his feelings. In my head, I'm starting to see this relationship as more of a room mate situation.

Other men have shown interest in me, particularly in the last year on nights out or through work socials. I have never cheated on him but to be perfectly honest I have entertained the flirting in the past because I like the attention and it makes me feel validated. I know this makes me sound like a terrible person.

I'm not sure what to do, if I leave it would feel like I'm losing my best friend and all of the happy memories we have as a couple. I would also be putting myself in financial shit as I could no way afford the mortgage alone on my salary and would probably have to move back with my parents as I'm not sure how easy it would be to rent somewhere with my pets. Would be really grateful for any advice!

Do you want to marry someone with no love and intimacy? Without sounding too dramatic, the intense feelings do fade over time, and are replaced (hopefully) with deeper love and a shared life together. But you need the romance to start with.
You sound like you’re brokering a business deal. If you’re looking at other men, that’s not a good sign. This is your life, don’t settle.

My advice is to read the book to good to leave too bad to stay. Essentially how the relationship is now, is it's best because without counselling and a desire to bring greater satisfaction to the relationship for your sake, nothing can change. So this, the relationship you are in now as roommates, is it for your future if you stay.

I think you already know you need to leave this relationship. Leaving is never easy but don’t waste your life.

Honestly, I think it's time for a very hard decision. Some women would be perfectly happy with infrequent sex and not even any affection, but you're not one of them. You've tried to address it and what he's told you loud and clear is that he's happy with how things are and is going to make no effort to change.

If you marry him, this is what you're signing up to.

Leave, go back to your parents' for a while, let him buy you out, get out there and enjoy exploring sex and love and the kind of relationship you truly want.

Don't settle for this, the resentment will get too much.

Yes, good advice, it's an excellent book!

I don't think material wealth should take that much precedence over your basic happiness in life. It's not just about sex, but the whole issue of intimacy and affection. I'd rather live in a small run down flat with someone who adored me than a mansion with a man who thought I was part of the furniture.

Also, don't assume you will never have the opportunity for a better lifestyle if you leave him. Start looking at what you could afford and where, what better jobs you could apply for, what money you would have from the sale of the house.

You're not a bad person for flirting with people to feel desirable and alive if you get none of that at home. You are healthy and normal.

@Docmartindiva I have been where you are. Convinced myself that my ex being kind, loyal, funny etc was enough and that we didn't need intimacy. 10 years down the line and I ended up leaving. It wasn't enough for me. If you are already entertaining flirting to get that attention that I would say it won't be long until you start looking elsewhere....

I am now with someone who I absolutely adore, adores me and we fancy the pants off each other. We have sex most days and even when we don't we are physically close (hugging, kissing, tucked into each other in bed). We also tell each other 'I love you' several times a day.

If you are someone that needs that, you are not going to get it from this man. Nobody's fault but you need to be emotionally, physically and sexually compatible in order for a relationship to work and it doesn't sound like you are any of these.

You are young, if you want intimacy and affection then don't waste your life on this man. You've raised the issue, he knows you are unhappy but nothing has changed. I would tell him if he can't or won't consider couples counselling as a starting point to help restore the intimacy in your relationship then it's over. And stick to it, even if it means going home to your parents for a while you can still rebuild and start again.

I would urge you not to stay in this relationship. You absolutely will regret it. And hard as it is, do not base crucial decisions about your one and only precious life on your pets.

If you cannot keep them, you can find them good new homes, and they'll be happy. It would be hard for you, but less devastating than finding yourselves, 20 years down the road, with someone with whom you have no real connection, ground down by years of a barren life, and most likely children to care for.

Tell him you don't see a future as you are and you need to sell the house. Unless the house is in negative equity, you won't be in financial shit at all, that is just your fear making excuses. If you can move in with your parents for a while, thats great support you have.
You could try living together, but in seperate rooms while the house sells, seeing as thats not much different than you are doing now.
When you talk to him try to stay calm, you've tried the desperate crying approach and nothing has changed. Awkward though it might be, I think its worth trying to see if you can stay till sold, that way you can drive forward the necessary steps to get it on the market, whereas he could well drag his feet on it once you've moved out.

If you were both on the same page that you wanted friendship and no intimacy that would be fine. But you’re not. So this is not the right relationship for you, and you need to get out to find someone else to have kids with (assuming that’s what you want)l

Presumably you’ll each take a share of the deposit, could you not buy yourself a flat with that?

So he please you when it does happen OP? Tbh you need to run for the hills. Don't have kids with this man. Be honest with him and tell him you can't continue.

Do NOT marry him . This is the most love, affection and sex you ever going to get from him.

If you are willing to life like this for the sake of getting your mortgage paid and a home for your pets then that’s your choice . But you need to stop all the flirting with other men, now and for good.

This is who he is. Stay and accept it ( the good and the bad ) or leave . Your choice .

It’s not fair to stay with him for companionship / money / pet home but cheat on him. That is not the behaviour of a good person.

Otherwise you are no better than all the cheating husbands who say “ well it’s ok for me to cheat on my wife because I don’t love her but I don’t want to leave because I’d have to care for my own kids / pay child support / pay her in the divorce “.

Call off the engagement. If he wants to work on things then that's great, you can get married when things are better. If he doesn't want to work on it then you need to completely separate and look for a man who wants the same kind of life as you. Do not waste any more time, at your age you don't have time to waste.

@Docmartindiva do you think, perhaps, that he is gay??

I was you OP. We got married young though at 24...by the time I was 28 the intimacy was gone. We were best friends, I laughed all the time but we hadn't had sex in 6 months, no kissing, he never really showed me any real interest despite complaining to me we weren't having sex, and towards the end I didn't even want it anyway. I made the brave decision to leave and have been with my current partner for 5 years and he can't take his hands off me! We have great sex & are intimate a few times a week and it's great. Even the little things like saying he loves me before a drive, holding hands, kiss hello & goodbye, watching me change as he finds me sexy 😂it makes me feel wanted on an entirely new level and I've never been happier