His unpopular opinion are making me fall out of love w him

[Siamiam]

Today DP asked me if I thought tattoos were a sign of insecurity. Well, he grandly announced that he thought they were. Neither of us have them. I pushed back and said no I didn’t think so, friends of mine have them, and that they were only so much a product of insecurity as say dying your hair is. He disagreed and seemed a bit off with me.

we then had another “debate” about the awful attack in London today. He said he thought it might be terrorism and said I didn’t think it was as it hadn’t been labelled as such. His mind also linked terrorism = Islamic fundamentalism and I said I was fed up of the lazy link between the two. He didn’t respond.

we are now not really speaking (unusual for us) but I am actually just fed up! He likes to voice unpopular opinions occasionally and I’m just losing patience. We’re on different sides of the political spectrum anyway (I’m more left, he’s centre right) and I feel more and more like we’re actually quite different people.

weve been together for a couple of years and I’m wondering if now is the time when people cut the cord? Is it going to get better? Our day to day is generally really good and we rub along nicely but is it fair to want to be with someone who doesn’t have these views?

It's an ignorant, prejudiced and judgmental opinion that isn't based in reality.

"It's an opinion" isn't a get-out clause for stupidity.

Also, shared values is as important to a relationship as shared attraction. You can "tolerate" ignorant opinions from a random acquaintance or a colleague if they're harmless (zero tolerance for bigotry though). But a partner on the same page as you when it comes to how you perceive the world should be non-negotiable.

Are his opinions unpopular?

I can’t stand tattoos. No idea what they represent, though.

I agree he didn’t say anything extreme. I think it’s daft to fall out over tattoos when neither of you even have any!

I think in both your examples, you could have just moved on but if it seriously pisses you off or he does have other views which you don’t agree with then maybe you are not compatible.

There is only one reason to give up on a relationship, and that reason is "I don't want to be in this relationship". Anything that makes you not want to be in a relationship is there fore a good enough reason to end it.

So the question is "Do you want to be in this relationship?"

Commenting on a news story is n out bigoted lmao. It could still be Islamic fundamentalism, it's not just brown people that can be Muslims or terrorists.

Could also be a mental health episode with paranoid delusions etc.

It's an ignorant, prejudiced and judgmental opinion that isn't based in reality.

God how dreary must life be if one can't even have an opinion on something as benign as tattoos.

I personally love well designed and maintained tattoos and DP has several. He's not prejudiced if someone makes a comment, bloody hell. For some people it's insecurity, others not, case closed.

You do know. You know that you're fed up, you don't like his opinions and you're currently not speaking.

I wouldn't even want to have to sit next to someone who I felt like this about at on a bus for very long, let alone consider them as a life partner.

It's not unfair to feel like you don't want to stay with him, for any reason. If it's your reason and it's true for you, then that is enough. If he's doing your head in after two years, may the gods help you after twenty and a couple of kids. Move on and you might just find someone who you can chat to until 4am, who constantly delights and inspires you, who's values align with yours, makes you laugh, is kind and generous and thoughtful and gorgeous, and who you can't wait to get home to. That's what you're looking for, not rubbing along with someone after two uninspired years.

Exquisitely skewed statistics!!

I'm not interested in a discussion about the original parties today so let's say teddies Vs kittens.

To paraphrase, 'teddies killed 1800 people (does not specify where) in recent decades. Kittens killed approx 200 in the UK . There are fewer teddies than kittens worldwide therefore teddies are much, much naughtier than kittens'.

Truly well done.

OP, relationships will start with the excitement of meeting someone attractive (to you) and roughly on a wavelength. That doesn't mean necessarily having the exact same views.

In my experience and that of my friends, 2 years is about when the interest levels start winding down if it's been a decent also-ran but hasn't not got long term potential.

If this man's expression of his views, or the views themselves are irritating you, I would gracefully duck out unless these instances are very rare.

For my money, both sound annoying. Yes tattoos COULD be for any reason, the attack COULD have been motivated by terrorism but I don't think that's the point, I get the impression he was acting like an old man shouting at a cloud (you the cloud) for his own amusement rather than having a conversation. Boring.

It's about your compatibility and happiness. Not saying 2 years in you should necessarily be blind to each others faults and swinging from the chandeliers in a cloud of bliss but I think there should be more there than rubbing along.

Of course if he is really starting to grate then yes cut your losses but surely there must be more to him than just these two opinions if you have been together for a while.

On a more general note, I do worry that we are all living in our own bubbles, only engaging with people who 100% agree with us and then just screaming murder at everyone else. How are we to make progress and live harmoniously if all we ever do is throw mud while we dig deeper trenches to stand in.

I would say that views like that are fairly popular, aren't they? That is, lots of people think that way.

Our day to day is generally really good and we rub along nicely but is it fair to want to be with someone who doesn’t have these views? ... I don’t know if this is reason to give up on a relationship.
The reason would not be "because he has unpopular views". It would be "because I don't want to be with him". And it would be incredibly unfair to hide that from him. He deserves someone who thinks he is great and is absolutely delighted to be with him.

Of course finding someone's views cringeworthy and distasteful is a good reason not to date them. You don't have to date Nigel Farage out of fairness, and you don't have to date this bloke out of fairness either.

Did your parents stay far too long in an awful marriage, or what experience is it that has left you feeling guilty about ending a poor-quality relationship?

He is voicing opinions that are unpopular in your eyes.
He is, however,allowed to voice his opinions. Free speech still (,just about) exists in this country, so if you can't respect each others opinions you are probably in the wrong relationship

There's 'rubbing along nicely' and 'rubbing each other up the wrong way' and it looks to me as though all that rubbing is causing friction (see what I did there?).

Perhaps you need to re-evaluate whether you want to be in a relationship with someone whose views are so often the polar opposite of yours.

Given that common values is the single biggest predictor of a relationship lasting well then I'd be seriously considering whether this thing's got legs or not.

Hmm I’d say if either/both of you can’t tolerate a different view point, it’s time to part.

My other half has some quite different views to me on some things, not sure who’s ‘right’ and who’s ‘wrong’ cos they’re opinions. As they say, they’re like arseholes. But the point is, we can (just about) tolerate the other side of the argument.

My DH would believe anything he read in the paper or see online and use it as gospel without checking his facts. A big like saying all immigrants come to the uk and can claim benefits. It would drive me up the wall, we got to the point I'd actually stop talking to him about politics. But he's an ex now, not singularly for this reason, but it was a straw

When you say "he likes to voice unpopular opinions sometimes", do you mean he's deliberately pushing your buttons or adopting "edgy" views he doesn't really have for a reaction? (Personally I find that sort of thing almost worse than actually genuinely holding those views).

If you're at the point you stop speaking to each other over different opinions, there probably isn't much future.

I think it's important to have similar outlooks and values with a partner.

If his views put you off him, then you're put off, it's not about anything other than what you feel about him.

Sounds like you’ve the ick, or the start of it.

My ex was like this. He'd air stuff so that we could have a debate which was generally him arguing his opinion till I gave up. Needless to say he did debating when he was a school boy and loved it .

I hate confrontation and don't need my home life to be like fucking Newsnight.

We got divorced, not for that reason, but it was a breath of fresh air when the only debate I had to worry about in the evening was the debate with myself about what to watch on telly.

Some people love a lot of current news discussion. I'm just not one of them. And I have a hectic stressful job and liked home life to be calm.

I think you just need to decide what you want. Some of my friends adored my ex as they loved debating shit like this for hours!

I don't imagine his views have changed. I do imagine that you've had enough of him and his views are now grating on you.

Statistics not so skewed. Where do you think IRA killings took place? Hong Kong, Democratic Republic of Congo?

Well quite. Hence it's totally mangled.

-IRA only really active in the UK/ Ireland. This is well known. Therefore the 1800 is equal to a to a total death toll, or thereabouts

-Islamic terrorists by far not their most active in the UK. Therefore, the 200 is a fraction of the total death toll. The 9/11 death toll alone was approx 3000.

So, why are the UK (+/- ROI) death tolls given proportional to worldwide numbers of respective religion members (not even terrorists, just Catholics and Muslims) with the conclusion that Catholics are more prone to terrorism? 9-10x more, according to the PP.

Genuinely no comment on either group hence subbing in 'puppies and kittens'. I accept the poster was probably trying to say something against islamophobia. This is just a comment on the terrible use of data to make a point

You say 'I don't know if it's reason to give up on a relationship'. I say 'it doesn't look like you have reason to be in a relationship'

Being single is peaceful imo. I don't give that up unless it's for a person who is really going to add to my life.

The point if a partner is to add joy, good company and spice. Otherwise, stay single.