Hi All
New to posting but read several threads with interest, appreciating both the impartial views on divorce and those that lean a particular way. I was interested in people’s views on my particular situation as it is good to see the views of others that aren’t involved.
My OH and I separated at Christmas 2021. We have the decree nisi but want to sort finances before the final step.
I’ll keep this as short as I can.
We have 2 children aged 9 and 7. When we split up, we alternated weeks at the house, doing all child care and school runs when it was our week and staying elsewhere when it was not. She stayed at a friend’s empty flat and I moved between a friend and my parents. After 6 months her arrangement was no longer possible. I agreed that as a temporary measure that she could stay at the house and I would have the kids every weekend and half of all holidays. This has now been the status quo for almost 2 years as she refuses to stay at her mother’s. I know that her mother is relieved at this as my OH is hard work, but the option is available.
I’m not happy being just a weekend Dad but to avoid arguments I’ve maintained it, despite each weekend being a 300 mile trip (over 16,000 miles last year). On a handful of occasions she has agreed to do a 20 mile round trip to make my journey easier but that is no longer a battle worth having.
I work from the family home on a Friday as it is near the school. I pay half of the bills and last weekend she asked if I could work elsewhere. I’m not happy with this as she is starting to treat it as though it is all hers. It is our main asset and it is falling into disrepair. I want to sell but need 2 weeks to get it back into a sellable condition. She promises to try to arrange something and then changes her mind at the last minute.
Background to finances
We bought our first flat together in 2011 and her Dad gave her a £100k deposit. In 2012 we married. Over the years he has given more so it is just under £250k, which is essentially an early inheritance as he has 2 children similar in age to ours, so they will receive everything else. We did a deed of trust in 2014 stating that she would get the first £250k if we ever split up. In 2015 we had our first child. In 2020 we moved to a new house.
We now have about £600k in equity in the house. She kept our savings (about 10k) as it was in her account, and we both have pensions, hers is about 50k and mine is about 280k. I’ve been paying into my pension for 26 yrs and she has done half that. There is a 5 year age gap between us but she didn’t start work until 27 as her dad paid her to study.
During our time together, I transferred all my salary to her bar £50 for ad hoc expenses. I have always earned about £300 a month more than her until 2 months before we separated when it jumped to £1200 difference. She has never been the main carer with us both sharing childcare equally (her doing drop offs and me doing pick ups). I did the cooking, shopping, dressing and bedtimes, before eventually also doing drop offs as she found it too stressful.
We have been trying to come to an agreement on financials. We have tried one mediation which was a waste of time. I suggested that she keeps the first £250k and her pension, I keep my pension and we split the remaining equity 50-50. I explained that ideally I need £180k but understood that would only be achievable if the house sold for what we hoped would be the minimal. I also said that if it sold for more I would cap it at £180k.
If there was enough for me to get my ideal £180k, this would give her £430k and her pension (£480k total), I would have £180k and my pension (£460k). This would considerably reduce her mortgage requirements in comparison with me, where the majority of my share I could potentially never see. If I didn’t live to see it, it would go to the children as inheritance.
I think this is fair but she is fixated on being mortgage free and informed me last weekend that she should get the first £250k, and the rest would be split 50-50, so she would walk away with half my pension, or I protect that and end up with insufficient deposit to buy.
Interested in people’s thoughts. She is of the opinion that no court would think she is being unreasonable. I think otherwise and so does everyone that knows me. However, I appreciate that my friends and family will always side with me, especially when they all think she is walking all over me. Interested in views from impartial people.
For info, there has been no violence or abuse in or outside of the relationship.