Unsupportive Baby Dad

[Cmct]

I am currently 37 weeks pregnant with my ex/ex-fwb baby.

When I found out I was pregnant, he pretty much discarded me, although we hadn't been together for a while (we still continued a confusing fwb relationship - he was very manipulative and I struggled internally with this, leading me to stay, stupidly).

We fought for a while as he turned nasty when I decided to keep the baby. He accused me of being obsessed with him, ruining his life and dating prospects, of being selfish, an attention seeker, a golddigger and told me he is going to make everything difficult for me.

This lead to me having a mental breakdown from the stress (our whole situationship was full of abuse/ manipulation/ betrayal/ hot and cold behaviour) - social services were alerted to his treatment of me and since then he seems to be behaving, and they have no further concerns and my mental health is back on track with therapy and meds etc.

We have gone low contact for the last few months, as in we only ever talk to discuss the baby or work (as we work together).

At work, he would ask how me (sometimes) and baby are doing, however since I have gone on maternity leave, I thought he may have checked in to see how things are progressing, but he hasn't. He just told me to call him when labour starts.

His mum also told me she would like to meet my parents. He told me she cant because shes busy having an operation, then travelling for a couple of weeks. I knew he was lying (I saw videos of him and his mum out and about, and she asked to meet originally) so I messaged his mum saying I hope her recovery goes well and she enjoys her travels, just to see what she would say. She never replied - she usually always does.

Im feeling anxious about what access to allow him and his family to our baby. I don't want to prevent my son and his dad having a relationship just because he is awful to me, but at the same time, I can't trust him to be honest, he doesn't seem to care or be invested in our son, and now his mum isn't even replying to me. I don't want to leave him with them when hes bigger if this continues.

P.s he hasn't contributed financially so far, has treated me like shit my whole pregnancy, acts like I don't exist in a room, yet does all he needs publicly to look like a great person/dad.

I'm being induced in one week, and he hasn't offered if our baby needs anything for his arrival/ if I need anything in terms of baby.

Am I expecting too much? Should I give him enough rope to hang himself? What should I expect from someone who 'says' they will be there and will be a dad?

Any advice is appreciated.

P.s I don't need a lecture of how I should have been smarter and had more self esteem/ I should hsve known it would be like this. Restrospect is a beautiful thing and I am so grateful to have my little boy regardless.

He sounds like extremely bad news and you’re very vulnerable right now so I’d have nothing to do with him at all and hope he leaves you alone. Open a claim with the CMS once the baby’s born but don’t let him go on the birth certificate (he’d have to go with), give your son your surname and don’t try to encourage contact. Hopefully he doesn’t bother you, if he does tell him to go to court. But tbh I’d block now anyway. He’ll have your email, he can use that if he really wants to contact you.

My concern is that if social services have advised him to reign it in regarding the abuse towards you, have I understood that right?

He has already told you he does not want to be involved. And involving his mum is not a good idea either. They both know how to contact you and be involved and so far ignored you. I would take note of that as its really telling what sort of people they really are. That is not good for a new mum or a baby.

He has been really abusive towards you and it wont stop now, he has shown you how he feels about you and I would pay good attention to it and look at it as a whole, he freely decided to abuse you, it will not stop with just you.

Stop all contact and for now, look after you and the beautiful arrival of your baby.

If in future he want to be involved as a father, will he be a safe person for your baby to carry out that role?

I raised a son on my own, no incolvement form his father, I tried but the abuse that I received from trying was not worth it in the end. I am so proud of my DS and how we were as a little family. You too will be fine, just fine. Yes there will be times you will feel the loneliness creep in from time to time, but the joy will override it. YOU can do it, and I doubt anyone on here will berate you on here.

You will know when that little bundle arrives how to protect it and if this dead beet dad wants to be involved, let him prove it to YOU first that he can. If he shows any sign of abuse, in any way, note it down, date and times and how you reacted to it. aka did you protect your child. Do not give your DC his surname. Again, if dad behaves all that can be sorted later I am sure, but something tells me he pretty quickly show you who he is to the core, and not be the dad material you so long for.

It seems that their involvement has scared him into reigning it in - he knows I have all our convos and he knows I have spoken up about his behaviour.

He says he will be a dad, and wants involvement, just not involvement with me. Although so far by his actions, he hasn't shown that to be true.

His mum is super excited but I feel she is manipulated by him, and possibly even clueless as he seems to speak for her much of the time. I only messaged her updates of scans as he wasn't.

I think I know what I want to do, I am just scared to do it. It is lonely and as awful as he is to me, he wasn't that way at the start and seeing how wonderful he is to everyone else saddens me for me and my baby.

Thank you for the encouragement ❤️

I was you 26 years ago. Yes it will be lonesome sometimes and most abusers if not all are nice in the beginning, we would otherwise not fall for them or stay with them if they were abusive all the time.

Having hopes is ok but I would look at his behaviour rather than lingering onto his words.

He can’t have anything to do with the baby which doesn’t involve you for ages so it’s just not worth considering.