Am I out of order?

[KeenFinch]

I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years recently because I realised that I no longer want children and she does.

She is the best thing that ever happened to me and truly is the love of my life but since facing up to some childhood trauma that I never dealt with I am now certain that I don’t want children. I am now working on myself and trying to deal with my past.

I ended the relationship because I don’t want to be the reason she doesn’t have a child and as she is 42 I am aware she doesn’t have much time left. She has started her IVF journey to become a single mum and I’m absolutely crushed, even though I want it so much for her.

She says that she is really struggling to have me still in her life and has convinced herself that she’s not good enough for me and that she has done something wrong when I have told her many times that isn’t the case.

I hope that one day in the future we can get back together once we have been on our separate journeys but she says I’m out of order for saying that and keeping her dangling on a piece of string.

Am I out of order or have I made a huge mistake ending things?

Why are you crushed she is pursuing IVF?
Children are a deal breaker for both of you so it is the right thing to do even though it's clearly agony
I don't think you should say that. It is dangling her and that's cruel and unfair on her.
It is not a mistake as you do not want children badly enough and she does want children badly. It would only lead to resentment down the line I believe.
If you are absolutely clear that children is the only issue then I don't understand why she is saying she feels she is personally the problem or reason.
It's sad for both of you but I don't think it's fair hovering around in her life after ending it.

Why do you want to get back together if she will have a child when you don’t want one?

You are keeping her dangling! You've made a decision, fine.
Now move out of her way and let her grieve in peace instead using her as an emotional dumping ground.

I think it was a bit shit it took you two years to realise you didn't want kids when she was already 40 when you met. Did you know she wanted them then? What were your initial conversations? You're best off just leaving her alone now.

How old are you?

I dont understand why you would want to get back together in the future if she is actively trying to get pregnant and you dont want children.

Are you waiting it out in case her IVF fails?

Probably best if you just leave her alone. Let her get on with her life.

Thank you for your replies.

When we met (me 34 and her 39) I thought I did want children but facing up to trauma from my past (childhood rape) I realised that I can’t do it.

I guess that because I know the chances of IVF being successful are quite low i feel that there is hope for us. I don’t want to lose her from my life because she is the best person I’ve ever met and she gave me the strength to open up about being raped.

Yes your being out of order she has been clear children are a priority it's unfair to say well if your IVF fails or once you have got this out your system come find me.

Your not going to be interested in her with a potential child. Let her go.

Just let her go.

You dated her for 2 years at the most critical time of her life fertility wise and are still hanging around just in case.

I wouldn’t be holding out for you.

You have done well to own your childhood issues and deal with them appropriately, now it's time to acknowledge the reality of the current situation. You have grown personally through a wonderful relationship, but she needs different things to you at present. Walk away with grace and wish her well! Definitely do not keep her hanging or maintain contact, leave her be to focus on her own stuff xx