Weight is affecting relationship

[MamaSqueak]

I’ve been married to my DH for over 20 years. We’ve had 3 kids in that time and both of us have had weight fluctuations in that time. He’s morbidly obese, I’m in the overweight category.

Recently family members have been diagnosed with some serious conditions so it’s made me appreciate my health more. For the last 6 months I’ve tried to make us healthy meals as a family, and take more exercise during the week and weekends. He says his weight affects his mental health and confidence. BUT I just can’t get him to join me on this fitness journey. We’ve tried personal training sessions, Slimming World, Jane Plan and he’s now on Wegovy and has barely lost anything in the last six months.

Does anyone have any suggestions about how to encourage someone to be healthier without nagging? I don’t want to “manage” his food intake or nag, but he’s so breathless even going up the stairs it’s very worrying. Heart issues run in his family. His dad had a triple bypass, his uncle died of an heart attack. Any ideas, or do I just shut up and concentrate on losing more weight myself. I’m about 2 stone down now.

Thanks for reading.

Have you tried being Frank with him? Telling him you’re worried you’ll lose him to a heart attack? He should be losing given he’s on wegovy, doesn’t that affect the appetite?

I have told him how worried I am, but eating junk food is more important to him. He says Wegovy is making him eat less than he used to, but it’s still not dampening his appetite enough to make him in calorie deficit.

If he was sticking to slimming world then he should be losing weight. If he's not, I'd suspect he's snacking outside the diet.

Diet is the most important thing for weigh loss. Like, 90% of it.

It's not nagging to straight up say 'I love you but I'm not going to stay and watch you kill yourself. So lose the weight or lose me'. And bloody well mean it.

Get tough.
If he doesn't care enough to be around for his children then, frankly, fuck him.

If he does, then he goes on slimming world or weightwatchers and attends actusl meetings every week until he's a healthy weight from now on.

Well done you for your weight loss!
But, lose 20 stone of 'obese husband' if he isn't willing to get himself healthy.

Ultimatum time.

And he needs to see his gp as a matter of urgency for checks. To make sure there's no underlying cause to the weight.

Has he always been overweight and if not what do you think has made him become morbidly obese? Is he depressed and wants to change but can’t yet for some reason? Has a doctor told him to lose weight?

You can try the tough love approach but few people successfully and sustainably lose weight because of shame or an ultimatum. I’d feel exactly the same as you do but he’ll only get in the right frame of mind when he’s ready.

Well done on your own loss and healthier approach, it must be hard he can’t or won’t join you yet.

Blimey if the Semaglutide isn't helping he must be in a bad way. What dose is he on? Is he definitely taking it? I assume it's been prescribed free on the NHS as it's expensive privately.

Weight is such a complex issue, bound up with emotion and a lot of sub conscious/ auto pilot stuff, deep rooted issues from our childhood and life hang-ups, mixed with our hardwired dopamine and reward responses. He feels awful and the only thing that gives him a break from feeling awful is the very thing that's making him feel awful in the first place - eating.

Potential future consequences are not enough to drive changes in behaviour. Just look at smokers and how miserably health warnings failed there.

He needs to have a positive alternative, instead of approaching this from a negative point of view- not 'stopping' something or 'avoiding something bad' but 'gaining' something like better health, or a holiday you can't currently take because of the weight. We're more motivated by the promise of positives than the fear of negatives.

You’ve hit the nail on the head here. We’ve both always been big but things have got out of control and yes, doctors have told him to lose weight. I think a bout of depression hasn’t helped with this issue too. It does make me wonder if counselling might help (just realised I missed Orlistat and hypnotherapy out of the list of things he has tried).

I can see the attraction of getting tough, but at the end of the day I love him and wouldn’t want to follow through on any ultimatum.

Thanks for the responses all, you’ve given me plenty to think about.

I don’t have any effective advice except to wish you well and hope that someone can offer good advice. My DH’s doctor told him to lose two stone about five years ago, but he hasn’t. It’s difficult and worrying when they’re not taking it seriously. I suspect that he snacks. 🙁

Losing weight is actually really hard. And maintaining it is even harder. Weight is complex, emotionally. Most of the population are overweight, 63.8% - why do you think that is?

You are supposed to slowly go up through wegovy strengths, over months, could it be that he isn’t at the dose that suppresses for him yet? Is he at 2.4mg?

agree with @Superlambaanana

Have you/he considered Second Nature (UK based) or Noom (US based); they talk about changing habits and doing it in baby steps. By introducing more healthier habits, he will have less opportunity for the less healthier habits.

I recently watched re-runs of Dr Michael Moseley's 'Secrets of your Big Shop" (or titled something like that) and it was a very interesting program (if you can get passed the awful play-acting in it of MM being an Asda cashier - cringe). It has definitely made me realise that far too much UPF's/high salt/high sugar items slip into my basket/trolley out of habit. It also emphasised that these type of foods really do factor highly in mental health issues such as anxiety and depression which surprised me.

But, to lose weight, is far easier said than done, as I'm sure you're experiencing with your own weight loss journey. It can be a hard slog even if you are motivated by the negatives of why one should lose weight. My BP keeps teetering into the Amber/Red numbers and my cholesterol is awful, I'm overweight but seeing those medical numbers doesn't seem to press that 'magic' button that it does for others. I must be weird.

He will need to decide this for himself. I was overweight - 5ft 8 and 16-17 stone. Did exercise but ate too much and drank a bit. Wife nagged but it was only when I realised our relationship was crumbling I did something about it - at the back of my mind I think I knew if I was single I needed to be in better shape. Lost 3+ stone and felt amazing.

Then got with my ex-gf and it crept up as happy! But have kept a lot of good habits and back focussed again. now at 15 stone so overnight but not obese (?) - 4 mile run yesterday and 2 gym classes this week.

Sit him down and calmly explain the health implications (having younger kids makes it far more serious) but also that you are falling out of love with him and he needs to do it for you both.

Looking back, do you wish you’d made the effort for your wife rather than for potential dates?

From a health perspective yes I wish I had done that sooner, but this had no bearing on our marriage. I could have been 12 stone throughout and we still would have ended the way we did. But the thought of being single and looking how I did was the trigger. Had I stayed married, who knows, could be the same.

Wife nagged in the same way we both nagged about something we didn't like too much but was not really damaging the relationship