Losing faith in men - are they really "all the same"? Tell me that many/most are decent sorts

[makingmuffins]

In the months before my ex-dp and I separated last year, he was unfaithful with three different women, including prostitutes, and was effectively living a batchelor lifestyle. This was a major change in character and behaviour for him, and it knocked my confidence and trust in him, and probably men generally - understandably in the circumstances, I think.

But what I've been dismayed to hear since is his PA telling me, about his being unfaithful, that it's "a man thing", as if to defend it; three men I know telling me that he's living the life most men want to live and is, in a way, amirable for that; and a woman I know reckoning every man she was ever with, and in her opinion all men, are like that: she's now happy with another woman.

Crikey - can you please reassure me this is not so? I never was one of those "men - they're all the same" women, and I don't want to become one.

Tales of hope and encouragement, please.

I do hope they are not all the same, my dp is reliable ,dependable caring etc but he is also distant emotionally. I reckon he would have an emotional affair but not a physical one iyswim (he doesn't have the chance lol).

But appearances are always deceptive, my Dp's Dad would appear to be a boring engineering buff, he has a lovely wife and is in his 60's. Him and the wife dote on each other, he has model trains etc. Also he is into super hardcore porn which he d/lds on his pc ,

I was so shocked at this, having met dp's dad.

Also my sisters dh dragged her and her son halfway around the world to emigrate. Only to leave her after 6 months for some [maori bint] as my sister put it. They had been together for 12 years with no signs of infidelity, you can't trust anyone is my motto. Sad but true.

Havalina [snigger] at your FIL's porn habits. My FIL buys loads of sexy, used nighties from ebay. Haven't decided whether he buys them for MIL to wear or for his evenings indoors alone.

I do think some men look up to and aspire to be bastards, but most of them are decent. My DP has stuck by me ultimately, and I can't say that I would have hung around if the situation was reversed. Some people are shits, it's not just men.

I know brassic, not sure if it's better that his wife knows and turns a blind eye, or doesn't know (or joins in god forbid). Ick Ick Ick apparently he gets his daughter to d/l the porn too eeeew. I thought he was such a nice man, has changed my view of him forever.

Jesus, that's unforgiveable if his daughter is downloading porn for him. I know what you mean though. I kind of feel better thinking that FIL is wearing this weird shit himself than imagining MIL cavorting round in Queen Victoria's old lingerie.

Not all men are the same! Women have affairs too, but not all of us. Everybody has a personal choice. Saying 'it's a man thing' or 'but it was her fault' or 'all men are bastards' is just a way of covering up for the actual choices of an individual. And not all individuals make those same choices.

I am pretty well 100% certain that my grandfather didn't, that my dad didn't, that my dh hasn't and won't, and that a number of my relatives haven't and won't. But then neither have they displayed any of the other objectionable behaviour mentioned by previous posters.

After 25 years dh has never called me rude names, never used physical violence, never thrown anything, never put me down or made me feel inferior in any way. And 25 years is a long time.

There are good blokes out there!

I'm not a mum, or a wife - I'm a dad and a husband. In my experience infidelity is certainly not something all or even most men do, and most men I know would believe it to be unacceptable behaviour. My wife and I have encountered the usual marital problems over the last seven years, but I have never been remotely tempted to stray, and the thought of doing so horrifies me. A minority of my male friends would consider infidelity something that happens, but I can't think of anyone who thinks it OK. I'd add the caveat that infidelity might not be considered serious in a non-serious relationship, but as far as I can tell, women think the same.

This next comment is trite, but I'm going to make it anyway. There are plenty of good men around. Like me, they often are shy and not very exciting. They stand in the corner at parties and assume women aren't interested in them unless those women (in my case quite literally) throw themselves on top of them.

My DH is NOT like that.
He doesn't like porn, doesn't flirt with other women, and disapproves of page 3
He is respectful, kind and thinks of me first all the time.
He was brought up by a strong mum and gran in difficult circumstances and has 4 sisters so he's full of respect for women.
Funny thing is, he was a player when we met (2001) but so was I....ships that passed in the night as it were....4 years later we meet and both ready for commitment. We are both honest with ourselves and each other, he's lovely, honest, and there are lots like that! I have a good male friend who is a great guy, and my friends' DH/Ps are all fab too!

They are definitely NOT all the same and they do not all cheat. Listen to Toad in the Hole - I think he's absolutely right there are loads of men out there who are kind, considerate, caring and make fantastic husbands and partners. They sometimes seem hard to find because they don't advertise themselves in quite the way the wankers do.

Well said miffymum, I always used to answer the 'wanker's ads' lol.