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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Losing faith in men - are they really "all the same"? Tell me that many/most are decent sorts

35 replies

makingmuffins · 02/04/2008 10:58

In the months before my ex-dp and I separated last year, he was unfaithful with three different women, including prostitutes, and was effectively living a batchelor lifestyle. This was a major change in character and behaviour for him, and it knocked my confidence and trust in him, and probably men generally - understandably in the circumstances, I think.

But what I've been dismayed to hear since is his PA telling me, about his being unfaithful, that it's "a man thing", as if to defend it; three men I know telling me that he's living the life most men want to live and is, in a way, amirable for that; and a woman I know reckoning every man she was ever with, and in her opinion all men, are like that: she's now happy with another woman.

Crikey - can you please reassure me this is not so? I never was one of those "men - they're all the same" women, and I don't want to become one.

Tales of hope and encouragement, please.

OP posts:

thebecster · 02/04/2008 11:02

They're not, they're not, they're not. And even some of those who are unfaithful are not necessarily 'living the dream', some of them end up regretting it the rest of their lives. There are always a few w**ers about, of course, but that's true of women too, sadly...

littlewoman · 02/04/2008 11:05

I certainly believed they were all the same a few years ago when xh left. But no, they really are not, no more than all women are the same. I think A LOT of them are very similar though

Empathize with the 'affairs' stuff - been there. It's a major confidence smasher, but a reflection on them, ultimately, not on you.

scorpio1 · 02/04/2008 11:05

the ones who 'live the dream' are the sad lonely ones in the end.

All men are not like that AT ALL. My Dad has never had an affair, neither has DH (to my knowledge). Both wonderful caring men who i know would do anything for me.

Original poster

makingmuffins · 02/04/2008 11:17

Well thank God for that then! Thanks for encouragement.

littlewoman - how did you get your confidence and trust back post-affairs? (Well, flings in my case.)

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izzybiz · 02/04/2008 11:18

They aren't all like that, my DH is hardworking, a good dad, good fun, a great husband, sometimes that makes him a bit boring, but I'd rather that than some sad jack the lad that can't grow up!

Dh is very much like my dad actually!

Don't despair, hes the loser, not you.x

musicgirl · 02/04/2008 11:23

Makingmuffins, I have worked with mainly men all my life and unfortunately about 70% of men cheat. But that means 30% don't cheat with women. Unfortunately of that 30%, 10% are probably gay and another 10% just aren't into sex at all.

But I've had many deep and meaningful discussions with guys over why they cheat and mostly seems to come to either they are just one of those guys who don't have any morals (a minority) or their wife doesn't want to sleep with them.

So summed up, some guys will cheat no matter what, some guys won't cheat no matter what (or at least not with another woman) and some will cheat if they think their partner isn't attracted to them anymore.

OrmIrian · 02/04/2008 11:26

I started a thread a few weeks which I think is relevant. DH and I have been together forever. Most of his friends are similar ages (early 40s) and have partners and DCs. One of his friends is still single. He has lived the life of riley - lots of money, lots of women, no ties, no responsilibities. But all of a sudden he has had to face up to the fact that at 43 he has no-one and he is envying the mundane comfortable life of his married friends. Yes, I would imagine that DH and others envied him at times - I'd probably have envied him too TBH - but he's not having such a good time now. I think that every man would quite like the life you describe but most of them realise that it's not all it's cracked up to be.

stirlingmum · 02/04/2008 11:27

I have always hoped all men are not the same.

But my Dad, knowing he had terminal cancer and so wouldn't be around much for me, told me "All men are bastards" - that was when I was 15.

I think he was just preparing me for the worst. I think many are out for all the sex they can get. But there are a few good ones out there. Finding them is the tricky thing

Original poster

makingmuffins · 02/04/2008 11:40

Interesting reading, musicgirl. And a bit depressing.

I would say my ex falls into the doesn't-have-any-morals camp. He doesn't think that what he did was wrong, although he's sorry to have hurt me.

Granted, in the months before we separated, sex wasn't in copious supply and I was very angry with him at how he was behaving - going out loads, etc. So this could have "pushed" him I suppose.

Blimey, I'm not feeling that optimistic moving forward. What kind of man (in infidelity terms) do you think you've got?

OrmIrian - wise words. I can only hope ex-dp will feel the same in a decade or so.

stirlingmum: . Hope you found a good one.

You know, this thread gets me thinking about ds: I would hate for him to grow up and think it's OK to behave as his dad has. So how does one raise one of the only 20% (according to musicgirl) of men who are moralistic, loyal, loving and enjoy sex - with one person?

OP posts:

Original poster

makingmuffins · 02/04/2008 11:41

izzybiz - your dh sounds perfect.

OP posts:

vixnpips · 02/04/2008 11:49

Imo they are prettey much all the same. If given the chance and think the'll get away with it they will have a go. I think ( very sad I know) that the women who think their men are faithful just haven't caught them out.
This is purely from my own personal experience and.. for the fact that 2 friends of mine would tell me how faithful their men were.. but behind their backs their men ( not at the same time) propositioned me!
No i didn't take them up.. nor did I tell said friends. Nor am a long legged beauty!

cyteen · 02/04/2008 15:12

Men, like women, are just complex human beings. I don't think this is necessarily simply about whether they cheat or don't cheat, but how they live their lives overall. Nobody's perfect - people fuck up - but there's a vast difference between someone making a mistake in having a fling and then trying to deal with it responsibly, and someone just merrily shagging about without care for the consequences.

Just to reassure you makingmuffins, I've known plenty of decent, loving, respectful guys - more than the bastards, actually. Both my previous ltrs have been with totally decent guys, and my partner is everything I could ever want; my dad is a loyal husband, friend and father, not perfect but respectful and worthy of respect; and my brother was the most kind, warm, loving and upstanding man you could ever meet. They are out there, and they're really worth finding

BigGitHamsterKillingDad · 02/04/2008 15:15

Good post cyteen. We are not all the same. We might be gits. Sounds like to me that most of those men you speak of are immature really.

kama · 02/04/2008 15:20

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kama · 02/04/2008 15:31

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sleepycat · 02/04/2008 15:44

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ChairmumMiaow · 02/04/2008 16:24

I am absolutely 110% sure that DH would never cheat on me. Of course he has his faults, (he has a tendancy not to listen when I talk to him for a start, which annoys me no end at times) but that is not one of them

He's not the most exciting of men but he's patient and kind and in the 10 weeks since DS was born has proven himself the most devoted dad.

I'm sure there are lots of men out there like him but they're not always the best looking (although DH is very cute) and are certainly not always the most confident. I think some are also prone to find women that walk over them because they're too nice!

I think that many women pass the wonderful dependable men by, but they really are out there!

stirlingmum · 02/04/2008 16:30

Chairmummiaow, I was 110% sure that my dh would never cheat on me up till 5 months ago when I found out about his 6 month affair.
I am afraid you just never know

PotPourri · 02/04/2008 16:31

No no no. There are some sods out there - most definately. But there are so many lovely men who will adore you adn nto cheat on you. They are never perfect (don't we all know it), but that behaviour is not acceptable for men or women, and is also not normal TBH.

Those who do it are very immature and are in denial about growing up and coping with real life and responsibilities imo.

OrmIrian · 02/04/2008 16:33

I do feel as sure as I can be that DH hasn't and wouldn't be unfaithful. But I know that I may be deluding myself.

PotPourri · 02/04/2008 16:35

And amking muffins. But not acceting what DP did you are making the strongest statement to your DS that it is not acceptable. Letting it carry on would set him up for doing it. As it is, is much more likely now to realise that his dad lost out on the chance of a stable family (if sometimes seen as mundane) for the sake of a few empty flings.

Poledra · 02/04/2008 16:47

They are so not, makingmuffins. My parents have been married for over 40 years and my dad would not dream of cheating. He drives my mother to distraction in many other ways (espc his tendency to never throw anything away 'in case I need it some day') but he is a loving, respectful, honest man.
DH is much the same (espc in tendency to hoard ).

kama · 02/04/2008 23:54

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OverMyDeadBody · 02/04/2008 23:58

No! They are not all the same! They are different different different! Yes, lots of them fall into the same category and sometimes we can keep meeting only one type, but I know a lot of men as friends and there really is a lot of variety in terms of how they lead their lives and what choices they make about fidelity and morals. Like women.

Have faith. There are plenty of lovely decent kind caring men out there.

littlewoman · 03/04/2008 00:08

I chose an entirely different kind of man, making muffins. I used to be attracted to the wanker trying to get himself noticed by everybody in the room. Then try to hold on to him... it was like trying to grapple with a greased pig. This time, I chose somebody who everybody said 'he's the nicest guy you'll ever meet' about. That's all I ever wanted, so I grabbed my chance
Very interesting posts here. But sometimes they say 'my wife doesn't give me any sex', when they are the reason their wife won't give them any sex. I wouldn't shag someone on the street who'd just called me a twunt and thrown my dinner across the room, but husbands expect you to. Duh.

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