Is this bullying through social media

[AuntFlo24]

I’m part of a “family” what’sapp group which is made up of my in-laws and their spouses. Last year when everyone’s birthday came along they wished everyone a happy birthday (spouses as well and my husband). When my birthday came along there was nothing…I said to my other half that I was very upset. How should I handle this, should I give them the satisfaction and leave. I believe the ignoring me stems from the fact MIL and FIL separated (MIL now dead) and FIL remarried and I choose not to go out my way to be horrible to his new wife (they have been incredibly rude and horrible towards her) , she seems very nice and hasn’t done anything wrong to anyone. I feel like I’m stuck in family of immature kids (all in 30s and 40s by the way). Any advice on how to approach this would be great, SIL in particular has always been this way 🙄!

Did they realise it was your birthday? I'm is similar whats app and rely on others to initiate the first message as I genuinely am to unorganised to know when every family members birthday is.

hmm they’ve known me for ten + years and in the past have wished me a happy birthday so I would assume so… they seem to have had a good memory for everyone else in the group each time a birthday came around…

They sound petty and toxic. Leave the group for your own sanity.
But, your DH should have said something to them for forgetting your birthday

I would definitely not remember even after 10 years and tbh it sounds like you’re not a massive fan of theirs so I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. Focus on +ves about your special day and forget those losers.

I have no idea when my inlaws from DH's side birthdays are. My family is in my calendar, his in his and we follow each other's cues. Though my mum remembers/has his in calendar so usually starts the group chat off.
I wouldn't take that personally if it's a bigger family. We are tiny

For whatever reason they have taken against FIL new partner and you haven’t
sounds like they think you being disloyal to they

It seems a very strong reaction so assume there's more?
My lovely and usually very organised mother forgot my birthday this year after 15 years. Although I did get a lovely gift three days later. There was just a lot going on

Yes it’s a tiny group, his brother and sister and their spouses…

There always is, what if I was to say I am the only brown person in the group too…and MIL was incredibly racist to me before she passed and SIL although I don’t believe is racist too a disliking to me from the moment she met me, you know where you get the sense that they feel they should have married their brother instead that vibe 😂.

Agreed, he didn’t speak out when his mother was racist to me either. When I was pregnant with her grandchild and we were thinking in moving near his family and asked to move in temporarily whilst I started my new job and got on my own two feet (his mum who had a four bed house to herself (not even her own, living in ex husbands grandparents house, refused saying I don’t want to eat in front of her she makes me uncomfortable—the reasoning because I come from a Muslim family and I’m brown, she knew I was an atheist and couldn’t care less what she ate). I said to him that I’m not responsible for his actions if he doesn’t feel like he wants to speak out that is up to him but I also have the choice to not engage with people that impact my mental health and peace of mind and if in the future that means we are no longer together I accept that. I am not the sort of person to make someone choose a person over their own family that is wrong but nor am I the type of person to allow myself to be put in a toxic environment (you only live once).

My husbands family are like this, completely toxic. I'm not friends with them on Facebook, not on any WhatsApp groups. I admit at first I thought I was missing out & did ask my husband whats that message about which got on his nerves. Now, I just don't bother at all & happier in myself. He could have said a message on the group to prompt them but I honestly don't think men think to do this sometimes. It's hard to not take it personally but don't let them get to you. I'm deliberately not mean about his family to him & have noticed he has gradually drifted away from them of his own accord.

my only regret is I didn’t realise all this sooner. I don’t go out my way to be horrible to anyone (takes too much energy) but I’ve also given up making a one-sided effort. I agree peace of mind will come from distance. I did leave Facebook because of social media and as soon as I did BIL created a WhatsApp group which I tried to keep updated with pics etc as you do, hubby hadn’t come into this century at that time (loved his Nokia brick) but he’s had an iPhone for years so think that’s taken the pressure off me to remain active in the group and he won’t miss out.

My friend is in a similar situation. She has simply muted and hidden the group (won't give them the satisfaction of complaining she has left the 'family' group). She occasionally checks how many messages she has missed, it's in the hundreds and it satisfys her that she hasn't seen them or responded to anything. Otherwise she just gets on with her life and leaves her DH responsibility of communicating with his own family. Seems to work well!

My plan exactly, with new locked chat you don’t get a notification about the messages either 😊! I was torn about leaving or staying in the group, feel leaving the group would give them the satisfaction that they have affected me…can’t let the bullies win! I must admit I do envy the days when you had a not answer the phone just so you didn’t disturb the internet connection!