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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can't *make* ex-dp be a more responsible dad, can I?

4 replies

Twoddle · 02/04/2008 10:43

I separated from the father of my son (nearly four) last year. His dad used to be very hands-on, around a lot (worked part-time), family-first - that kind of thing. Since the split, he has been too so busy with business initiatives, women and recreational activities.

He is routinely scheduled to see ds every Monday and Friday afternoon, and whenever possible during the rest of the week/sometimes on weekends. Last week, he was three hours late joining ds on the Friday (who was with his paternal grandfather at the time), and then brought him back home over an hour late, at bedtime, not at all ready for bed and with telly having been promised on the way home .

He has also chosen these first few months post-separation to commit to a season's motor-racing (from now until November), which has written off eight weekends, including Fridays with ds. And ex-dp rang this morning to enthuse with ds about "the sound of his engine" - he's practising today, as he was "able to shift things around at work". I'm thinking if he's that flippin' flexible, why isn't he "shifting things around at work" to see ds a bit more? Shouldn't that be the priority at a time like this? As much as ds loves cars, he wasn't interested in an abstract chat about the bloody engine; he surely needs to see his dad and have a real relationship with him.

So am I being a tired, unreasonable grump, or has he got his priorities all wrong? And if it's the latter, is there anything I can do to make the situation more favourable, consistent and responsible for ds?

Ta.

OP posts:
musicgirl · 02/04/2008 10:58

He has got his priorties wrong but at least he doesn't sound bitter or an a**ehole. Just point out that you and DS need a routine so he needs to take DS one night & day on the weekend and one weeknight a week. Your DS relationship with his dad isn't your responsiblity it's your ex-dp's. So stop worrying about it.

littlewoman · 02/04/2008 11:00

When my xh left, I tried to make him stick to set times because he had things all his own way in our marriage and I was trying to grab some power back. Also, if you're trying to make plans, it helps that xh will be there when he says he will, for the amount of time he says he will.
Unfortunately, it didn't work, and I honestly don't think you can enforce it through a court (?)
I found myself having to be more flexible so that my kids got to see their dad at all, but it pisses me off that he doesn't understand my needs. Sometimes, I wonder if it isn't all about him still controlling me, or if he still sees me as 'married to my parenting role', and doesn't understand that I am single now and deserve to be able to plan my social life without being let down every five minutes.
I've not been helpful, except to say I don't think you can make them. But I'm a pushover. Hopefully one of the stronger-minded ladies will be along to tell you exactly how to grab him by the balls in a minute

GrapefruitMoon · 02/04/2008 11:02

You can't make him be more responsible, etc - but maybe you could get a mutual friend or relative to point out to him the huge percentage of kids who lose touch with their fathers after divorce/separation and that it is down to him to ensure that this doesn't happen by seeing his son regularly and being reliable about it....

Twoddle · 02/04/2008 11:24

Ah musicgirl, you don't know the half of it! He's not bitter, but an asshole, frequently. I do worry about it because I don't want the nature of ds's relationship with his dad to be damaging - for ds to end up feeling like he isn't much of a priority.

littlewoman - can relate to all of that. My take on it is that he's really like a big kid himself, and needs someone else around to make him be half-responsible - he has a coupld of PA's, ffs!

GrapefruitMoon - that's a useful suggestion. Thanks.

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