Life after an abusive relationship when you have children

[Daise66]

I left my ex husband two years ago after repeated infidelity with other married women. At the time, I didn’t recognise that I was also enmeshed in a really abusive marriage. Constant pandering to his needs, surviving on so little support, longs periods of silent treatment, throwing objects in the home if I ever questioned anything so I just became quieter and quieter. Now I’m free of having to live with him, I’m not free of having to see him. When he arrives to pick up the school age children, he will peer in the windows. He constantly drives past our home checking in and as on occasion before, contacted me to ask why we were out of the house so early.
How do I survive this? I would prefer handovers to happen at schools times but he refuses to do school pick ups as he won’t adapt his working hours.

He's basically stalking you. You could involve the police and/or speak to a solicitor about getting an order to keep him away. Start keeping a diary of incidents.

https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/stalking-and-harassment/#:~:text=Stalking%20is%20fixated%2C%20obsessive%2C%20unwanted,might%20be%20used%20against%20you.

If you go the legal route, you could also insist on third party hand-overs for access to the children.

I'd also consider getting nets or privacy film on your ground floor windows. Maybe a ring doorbell or similar to collect evidence.

Are all your children primary school age or over? If they are you don't really need to chat with him at handovers. Get the kids all ready before you open the door to him, and say a cheery good bye to them as they walk out and shut the door. Keep it brisk when they're dropped off too.

I'd advise you get a ring doorbell. It's good for seeing who is at the door but also you could position it to catch evidence of him checking on your home all the time.

When he asks you nosy questions don't answer. Only talk about the kids - stuff that needs discussing and nothing more.

I agree, it's stalking behaviour. Speak to the police to see what help they can provide. There's also https://www.paladinservice.co.uk/get-support , an organization for victims of stalking. There's a lot of excellent advice and info on their website.

Do you wish to avoid him altogether 'on principle' or is it that his behaviour around you is unacceptable and upsetting? If it's just that you can't bear the sight of him, it might be worthwhile to work on that yourself until you no longer give a shit about seeing his ugly face. He's deriving pleasure from your fear/abhorrance, don't give it to him. If it's because he's abusive when in your presence, then go the legal route and get a court order specifying that he must pick/drop at a third party/school.

But in the meantime, remember that you do not have let him in your house. If he picks up in a car he can 'beep' from the street and you can walk them to the pavement. This doesn't avoid him altogether but gives you the freedom to turn around and walk into the house, where he is NOT allowed to follow you. Or if you drive and it's feasible, you can insist on meeting him at a neutral/3rd party location, telling him that if he comes to the house you will not be there.

This reminds me of a BFF with an abusive exH. She ended up with a court order (US) that picks/drops were to be done at the local police station. It even specified that he was not allowed to arrive before drop off time and 'wait for her' and that he must wait in the parking lot for 15 minutes after she had departed.

I remember that when the divorce was finalized I said that we should pop a bottle and celebrate that she was finally rid of him. She replied "I'll never be rid of him until one of us dies because we share a child". She was lucky in that he fucked off when their child was about 3, but he did pop back into that 'child's' life when the child was in their 20s. So as hard as it is to think about now, this man will be part of your life for many years to come. Hardening yourself against him or dealing with him legally is the only way to let him know that you won't tolerate his bullshit.

I agree, its stalking and you'd be wise to speak the police.

There's a national stalking helpline too, might be worth calling them to find out what they recommend.

Gather and keep evidence of it if you can.
The texts where he asks you about your whereabouts ect...

You need to deal with this now because if you start dating again and he's this way, he'll go postal.

As pp said, stop replying to messages about anything other than the kids. You might also be wise to check your car for tracking devices. And make sure your locks are changed if he's ever had keys!

Also check your devices for spyware and change all your passwords.

Never let him in your home or go into his.