In-law relationships

[Dummydimmer]

My DH parents are dead. My DH had a conflictual relationship with his family and didn't speak to them for years. Relationships have improved to some extent. There was a lot of animosity towards me , as he was married before. I had no part in the ending of their marriage. I have been aware for some time of a lot of gossip and information/opinion sharing but have tried to rise above it. Now a sibling of DH is very ill and we visited and helped to care for her. The other 2 siblings are now demanding that we take on other responsibilities following the passing of their Mother 16 years ago. All 3 siblings live physically close to each other as well as being emotionally entangled. I have my own family of origin and loss of my parents as well as serious illness of my brother in law and have several nieces/nephews and their offsprings. We also have a son who is living with a partner for the first time. We live at the opposite end of the country to DH family. I resent being expected to help out with family affairs of people who were very hostile at one time and I have never requested any support from them. I have recently retired with some health problems of my own and feel inclined to refuse to become entangled with DH family. AIBU?

Absolutely YANBU.

even if you were on good terms, you are still not obliged to upend your lives for someone else. The fact that you aren’t even local makes it impossible for you to take on any practical elements without significant cost anyway surely?

I’d be making it very clear to your DH. These people made damn sure that they didn’t welcome me to the family. So, you reap what you sow. They chose to not accept me into the family. I’m not family. If they have now decided family have to help, they won’t be looking at me will they .

and your DH. I would tell him straight that he is not in the slightest bit obliged either. They don’t get to tell him what his family responsibilities are. No-one made either of them the boss of how that works. He can shrug and say, no thanks.

after their attitude to his wife, I suggest he does that. Where was their responsibility to family duty and harmony when it came to them respecting his choice of wife? Nowhere. They can go spin.

Thank you. I have spent 40+ years trying to not be bothered but I am. I think I will tell my DH that the situation is the same. I will generally have little to do with them, but am prepared to help with one sister who is really ill, on my own terms. I hate being manipulated.

YANBU.
I have had a difficult relationship with some of my in-laws, not my doing. People who have been vile to you cannot expect you to drop everything when it suits them and dance to their tune.

Is this the right board for this thread?

Thats what I thought

Third that.