What would I tell the DC?

[sadandtired]

Brief history: 3 yrs ago DH had and affair, which after a protracted and messy process we decided that we wanted to make a go of our marriage (15 yrs, 2 DC). That was just over 18 months ago, and while things weren't completely 'fixed', I didn't think we were doing too badly, and tbh thought that most remaining issues were mine, in terms of trusting the strength of our relatonship etc.

However, this am he told me that he is very confused about everything, that he feels like he is acting a part, that he doesn't feel a strongly about me as he thinks he should, but isn't sure if it his expectations that are to blame. But that catagorically there is nothing going on with anyone else.

I have said we need to talk to someone like Relate, and he seems open to this now (wasn't previously).

I just can't believe I am back here facing this turmoil again, and am not at all sure that I am willing to go through that all over again. So obviously one scenario I am contemplating is separation.
Now, the machanics of that scare the shit out of me, but I know it is basically logistics that can be overcome, but what about the DC?
How would we explain to them in a way that they could accept given that there have been no rows, fighting or any outward signs of dischord? I don't think they were aware of much the first time round, and certainly wouldn't be now. How could I handle that without especially my dd(10) ending up having problems trusting in relationships in the future?
It may not come to that, but equally I don't feel that I should have to stay in a marriage if DP isn't committed to it, just for the DC. I don't see how that could be healthy for them either.

I'm probably not making much sense, my head is in such a spin.

(((( hugs ))))

Sorry that you're going through this, sadandtired. I don't have much advice, I'm afraid - I'm going through a messy separation myself. Though I can say that ds, although younger than your daughter, is faring extremely well; unexpectedly so. I don't like it that his mum and dad aren't together, and like you worry about how it'll impact upon his intimate relationships later on. But I don't like to think of what he'd learn about relationships if we'd stayed together, either.

So just a big hug really, and trust your instincts. Either route will work out well, ultimately, if you're satisfied it's the better option.

i'd say don't do anything until you've been to Relate.....maybe he needs to talk throuhg his feelings in a more constructive way and having a third party to sit in on it will help him be more clear.
The fact that he is now willing to do this when he wasn't previously is promising.

Your relationship is bound to have changed dynamic since the affair and maybe he's struggling with the fact that things didn't just go back to the way they were?

talk, talk and talk some more......it will become obvious through counselling sessions whether you can save this marriage or if it really is the end of the road for you.

to add to what Twoddle wrote......i'm 7 months down the line from a seperation and my son who is nearly 3 is coping fine with it so far. I have all the anxiteis about how it will affect his future relationships with myself and his father, but we are working hard to make sure he is happy and knows we both love him even though we couldn't be a mummy and daddy together anymore.

you will find lots of support on here whichever path this takes for you. Please do come on here and share how you are feeling if it will help you, it certainly helped me and i am now happier than i have been for years.

I don't plan to vanish in the night or anything, and ultimately my preference would be to sort this out. But I also feel I need to have a 'what if' plan, to feel I have that option, so that staying together becomes an active choice rather than the only viable option iyswim.

It is DD that I am most concerned for really as she has always had a tendancy to bottle things up, and at 10 she obviously would be much more aware of what is going on. It probably would help her though that her best friend's parents split a couple of years ago, and she seems to be OK with it all.
DS is almost 5, and wears his heart on his sleeve, so I think we'd spot problems there!

But just the thought of the emotional rollercoaster that we survived last time - I really don't want to be there again. But the situation is different, so perhaps I shouldn't judge too soon.

I think one of the main questions re the DC is do I let on that there are problems now, so in the event of us separating it won't be a bolt from the blue, but risk worrying them for nothing if we can sort things out?

H and I decided to separate in Jan, but he only moved out last week.

I told our dc (son 13 and daughter 5) on Good Friday. DD took it totally in her stride and hasn't bothered her really at all (the odd nightmare but touch wood, they have stopped). DS took it a little harder, he cried and went for a walk on his own. Then I talked to him, loads. Told him me and his dad are get on better this way and will always be there for both dc. And that we both love them very much and it's not their fault at all. DS said he was a little shocked, but knew we hadn't been getting on for a while (sleeping in separate rooms etc). He asked questions which I answered truthfully and because are split is so amicable, they know they can see or speak to their dad anytime they like, and they can see how happy dad is in his new home, and of course how happy I am already.

They are both coping remarkably well. In fact, DS only cried twice and he's been his normal self.

I am incredibly proud of how both my dc have coped with this.

But this was after months and months (actually more like 18) of trying to make things work. And every relationship and break up is different. If it were me, I would try and fix it first before saying anything to your dc. But that's just me.

Thank you - its nice to hear of situations where a split hasn't been a huge trauma for the children. I guess I have this mental image of scarring them for life.

I really hope it won't come to that though. I know I seem to be coming over like I have already decided, but that's not true at all. Dh will be home this evening so we can talk after they are in bed. Though quite what there will be to say I'm not sure. I'm not sure I'm the right person to help him through his confusion this time. I thought I had before, but obviously not.
I just hope he can come up with more than 'I don't know what to think anymore' - cos unless he can give me a bit more idea what the problem is, it will be hard to be constructive.
This sounds so pessimistic I realise, it's just a scenario I've been through so many times, talking round in circles with no progress. It's depressing that we are back here again, when I thought it was all behind us.
Waffling now. SOrry.

waffle away......it may help you get things straight in your head.

if he says he 'doesn't know what to think anymore' then he really does need to speak to a professional to help him work through what he is finding so confusing.

we're here for you when you need us.

Well I'm armed with the numbers for Relate, and if he goes back on his willingness to see them then I may just go by myself to see if at least one of us can be more clear in our thinking.

It's so bizarre to be even thinking of a life without him. I've been with him since I was 18, and for so long had an unshakeable faith that whatever happened in life (cancer, redundancy etc) we always had eachother and would find a way through.
Now it's like a recurring nightmare.

(((hugs))) I've no real advice for you but I have been going over the same question this past week. I told DD15 last night, DD12 and DD8 found out this morning. All three think that it's fantastic news. I'm completely shocked at how well my youngest took it. I had no idea how unhappy the youngest two are. I'm really proud of them all and guilty that I didn't start my plan to leave sooner.

Thanks Dragonstitcher. So pleased for you that your dd's are 'on side' as it were. Must make things much easier. (The dragons on your profile are amazing btw!)

Tbh I'm wondering what time he will actually come home for our 'talk'. Despite leaving me with this news at 7am this morning, I have had no contact of the 'are you OK' variety, despite my phone ringing more than it has in the past month. Which gives me the feeling that there is an ostrich act going on right now. The day he 'left' 3 yrs ago - to have some time out to try and sort out what he wanted, my mobile was worn out with txts.
Actually am pleased to have had the time to think, and not sure what I would say if he did ask. But he doesn't know that!
We will see.

Meant to say that it is so good to have an outlet for all this (hadn't discovered MN the first time around). I find it hard to discuss these things with some of the possible people in RL, as I feel they would be too judgemental about him, and I wouldn't want to upset things too much with our friends in the event that we sort out our differences. Sounds a bit odd I know.
But thanks everyone anyway.

Well, I was doing him an injustice and he arrived back not long after the last post, and once we had dealt with the kids we had a talk.
I'm still sort of trying to process the conflicting elements of what he said now. The way he was talking - he feels like he's tried everything he can think of to 'get it all back' - in terms of his feelings for me, but it's just not there. That's he's been hiding away these feelings for ages hoping it would change, and afraid to say anything in case I told him to leave. Yet when I asked if he felt that it was all over, that there was no point trying, he denied this.
He was very emotional and letting a out a lot of pent up feelings, and for a change I was the one who remained calm and controlled, rather than crying and unable to speak.
But he said he wanted us to be like we used to be when we were young. But that was 20 years ago - we can't expect to feel giddy just holding hands after this time, and 2 kids can we? I'm now not sure whose expectations of the situation are out of whack.
He also has been feeling pressured about our sex life, or lack of. Since his affair this has been a problem, in that he says he doesn't have those feelings now. A lack of desire if you will, and initally I thought it would get better with time as we improved our relationship again, but that didn't happen and if anything it is now worse, because despite me backing right off, not hassling him and giving him some space, he apparently has been feeling bad every night that it doesn't happen. He has always had a high sex drive so this is not normal for him, but my theory is that because he lied about not having sex with OW during his affair (finally admitted that last night), and he thought I was daft enough to believe him, that somehow he has got that all stewed up with guilt inside him etc. But that particularly is what i feel he needs to have help with before he can be clear in is thoughts on everything else.
Does that make any sense? He was dubious last night about talking to someone about sex issues, but this morning has said that it would be worth a go.
We both feel rather drained and numb now, and I have to go to work, so I guess I'll see how things seem later.
If anyone has made it to the end of that jumble, thank you.

i'm here and i made it to the end of the jumble......
i still think you need outside help to talk this through properly, but i would agree about the admission of sex with OW....he really needed to get it off his chest.

i have to go now but will pop back to this thread later

I agree about the counselling, and will do my best to ensure he/we go. I think there is more to unearth too tbh.

Had an odd day - feels so bizarre to have to behave so normally for the DC and at work, when there is potentially a huge upheaval/trauma hanging over our heads.
Stomach is in knots. I know it is part of the process of coming to terms with it all, but I wish it would go away.