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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I agree to meet ex-colleague

5 replies

Northernrunnerbean · 30/04/2024 12:02

Name changed for this post

Background: I used to work with this person, let's call her Sally, for about 10 years, until Sally left the job and moved away to another part of the UK about 4-5 hours away. When we worked together, we were relatively close and sometimes met up outside of work for a chat or with a larger group of colleagues for dinner etc. Since Sally moved away, we carried on talking both in the group as well as on an individual level. However, Sally never seemed interested in me, and conversation always revolved around her life / job hunt rather than a more mutual relationship.

Things came to a head about a year ago when Sally came to visit and I was going through quite a lot of personal issues. Even though I explained to her what was going on in my life, she never asked me about it or showed any empathy towards me. Instead, she took advantage of her visit to gather information about my skills and career which she planned to use for her own job hunt, including answers for interview questions. Since then, I have avoided contact with Sally and not arranged to see her or speak to her on an individual basis.

Sally has now asked to meet up with me in a few weeks time, and I really do not want to meet her. However I am out of excuses and not sure how to phrase a response to her without coming across as rude. Or, I meet her and explain why I have been avoiding her.

Please help!

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 30/04/2024 12:11

I wonder if you see your relationship with Sally as friendship, and she sees it as networking?
Would you gain anything from the relationship in your career? If you are advising her, it sounds like you are more experienced, and she gets more out of this than you do.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 30/04/2024 12:20

"Sorry Sally, it's not possible to meet up for the foreseeable future. I wish you well " I think she's using your expertise and she has a new job lined up

Northernrunnerbean · 30/04/2024 13:42

Thelnebriati · 30/04/2024 12:11

I wonder if you see your relationship with Sally as friendship, and she sees it as networking?
Would you gain anything from the relationship in your career? If you are advising her, it sounds like you are more experienced, and she gets more out of this than you do.

Thank you, yes you are right, I thought we were friends but she obviously saw it differently. I wouldn't have minded if she had asked me for help in that way, but it was the fact it was more underhand that bothered me. I don't think there's anything she can offer me at the moment, but maybe I should keep the relationship going for the sake of future potential opportunities?

OP posts:
Northernrunnerbean · 30/04/2024 13:42

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 30/04/2024 12:20

"Sorry Sally, it's not possible to meet up for the foreseeable future. I wish you well " I think she's using your expertise and she has a new job lined up

Yes, or at least she wants to try and get a new job through me or by using me...

OP posts:
ShrubRose · 30/04/2024 17:11

Just say, "I'm so sorry, I have so much on my plate right now that I just can't see my way clear to making any additional appointments. No idea when that might change. Thanks so much for getting in touch."
And don't take the next call. End of.
As the Dowager Duchess of Grantham said,
"There's nothing simpler than avoiding people you don't like. Avoiding one's friends - that's the real test."

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