Husband with no patience

[MelissaJadexx]

Some advice would be much appreciated, my husband and I have been together for 7 years, we have a 3 year old son together, my husband seems to find our son very intolerable and out of control, I completely disagree, he is a very normal child but my husband has no patience for him, I said to him that he needs to change his attitude towards him or I’m leaving as I do not want to put up with someone who doesnt have time for their own child, he is also rude to me tells me I do the bare minimum and that I am not on his level and that I am the weak link in the chain, how do I deal with his behaviour

Do what you said and leave

Eh? Is he like this all the time? I mean, me and DH have some humdinger of rows, but that's maybe 5% of the time, and the rest is lovely and happy. If this is him in general, I would definitely leave. It sounds terrible.

Not on his level?
Who the fuck says things like that?!

He's an jumped up, abusive narcissist op.
Stop wasting your breath having talks with the asshole and leave.

Come on now op it's never OK for anyone to tell you you are beneath them. He's a horribly fucked up person. There's no changing that.

Get out before your boy turns into him.
Teach your son kindness and consideration of others and to love women. And that and that bullies -should be avoided and left.

Even if he acts nice 95% of the time as pp said
... it's clearly just that, an act.

Life is too short to waste with assholes.
Get out of there!

Ps, you're not a 'weak link'. Bullies like to make you feel shit about yourself. The laugh at your good qualities like warmth and kindness and paint them as weakness.

They often hate the joy of children too.

See him for what he is. Darkness to your light.
Cast him off and be free of him.

Most of the time yes, especially if I’m not well which is apparently all the time he gets really cold and irritated with me if I say I’m not feeling good, last night I was lying in bed resting as my head was killing me think I have a viral as I have a barking cough too he asked me to make him tea and I said no I’m resting apparently I’m lazy and it’s low for me to not make him tea when he’s been working all day, I just don’t know where to go or what to do

I thought so too @Pinkbonbon just didn’t want to believe it, we can have a good couple of weeks happy together and then it goes back to this nonsense, don’t worry my son spends most of his time with me and I will always teach him kindness and love just don’t know where to go feel so stuck

I'm so sorry. You obviously know this is not right or you wouldn't be on here posting. Do you have family who can help you?

Seek legal advice re separation and divorce, knowledge here is power.

Do not continue to do your bit here to show your son such damaging lessons about relationships. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What he is showing you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one, this is behind his apparent being nice to you for two weeks. It’s an act he cannot maintain.

Trying to protect your son from all this whilst you are all under the same roof is impossible. Save your own self and your son by rebuilding your lives without your current husband in it every day.

If you Google 'the cycle of abuse'. It'll show you that they go from nice to nasty to nice round and round.

If these sort were always nasty, no one would stay would they?

The nice parts are to trick you into thinking they aren't all bad and that maybe you shouldn't leave. And 'there must be something I can do or say, to make them go back to being kind and stay that way'. It's a trap.

They want you stuck looking inwards. Or looking back to who they 'used to' be and trying endlessly to get it back. Thinking 'if only I could find the right words'. There are no right words.

If you ever find yourself trying to explain to someone that obviously hurtful behaviour is hurtful btw - you are in an abusive relationship. (And telling someone that they are a weak link or beneath you is obviously hurtful behaviour).

Anyway, went of tangent xD

Narcissistic abusers hate when you are ill because then your attention is on YOU. Not them. (You are like a TV that is malfunctioning to them. An object. You don't care about your tvs feelings right?). Similarly they hate when your attention is fixed on other things like your family or studying for an exam that matters to you.

You will likely also notice he spoils special occasions like birthdays, holidays and trips that are not about him. Because again, they take attention away from him. And also, doing so, he will hurt and exhaust you. Which is his aim. To break you so you can't leave.

But you are not stuck.

You are married, which means you will get your share of the money in a divorce.

You can claim cms when you are out too.

Speak to womens aid for advice on next steps.
See a solicitor privately.

You've already taken a step many never to and recognised you are in an abusive relationship.

Start taking little steps to get out. You'll get there.

Dump him. Life's too short to put up with that nonsense.

And echoing attila, you cannot protect your son from abuse if he is witness to you being abused. That in itself is abuse.

What actually happens in this situation, from personal similar experience, is the child's heart is fucking breaking seeing his father be mean to his mum. As he ages...it becomes far worse to see her hurting than to have his asshole dad be an asshole to him. Because there will come a time where it clicks that that's all his dad is, an asshole.

Thats best case scenario. Worst case scenario...he sees the abuse as normal and either becomes an abuser himself or, ends up in abusive relationships.

Your child deserves a happy mother, free from abuse. And one safe home to be in where he can have rest bite from his nasty father. Chances are his dad won't actually want him around much anyway (though he will likely rant and rave about wanting tons of custody when you leave because how dare YOU leave HIM right? 😆).

He will also probably be nicer to the boy without you there as part of his meanness towards his son may just be part of his abuse of YOU. Without you there to witness the show, he might not bother.

Do right by your little one and get out.

and that I am not on his level and that I am the weak link in the chain, how do I deal with his behaviour

You can't. He has contempt for you, and thinks of you as inferior, as beneath him. He's allowed to have some weaknesses, allowed to be ill, but that's because he's a Very Important Man, and obviously operates at a different 'level' to you.

Many women get confused at this type of behaviour because they wonder 'If he thinks I'm inferior, why would he still be here?'.

That's because some people deliberately choose to be with people they find inferior to themselves. Their ego requires it, because they wouldn't tolerate being with someone they respect. They'd see you as competition. The also need to be with someone they deem inferior in order to feel superior, all the time.

However, the same people then often feel conflicted, because the narcissistic side of them feels incredibly entitled to someone their own level, and they take out that anger on their partner. That's why they give their inferior period a hard time for being 'average' or 'not up to standard'.

He thinks you are an inferior subordinate.

You need to decide whether you want to remain in a relationship with someone who has that opinion of you (probably not just you, but women in general). Do you want to bring your dc up in a home where dad treats mum with contempt?