Am I the problem?

[Girlmom35]

Hi Mumsnet,
I'm in a situation that I fear is going to end up destroying my relationship.
My partner and I have been together 7 years, and have 2 daughters, aged 2 and 4.
We've been struggling ad a couple sinds parenthood. He's not a bad father - although not great either - but the biggest problem is that I feel like he's constantly disappointing me. I find him unreliable and also emotionally unavailable for me. He keeps telling me that I expect too much and that I'm unreasonable.

A perfect example of this, happened tonight. And I'm at my wit's end. Our youngest daughter is sick. She's had very high fevers since yesterday. Went to the GP today and was told to monitor her fever and give regular doses of pain medicine to get the fever to drop.

I had to work tonight from 20h to 22h, so asked my partner if he could make sure to measure her temperature and give extra medicine if necessary at 21h, which is when the last dose should be wearing off.
Came home to him watching a movie. Sat down with him, chatted a bit, watched the movie together. Then at midnight I got up to measure her again and give another dose, so I asked how she was when he checked on her.
He had forgotten.
I rushed upstairs and she had 40,8° fever by then.
I was livid. He has a history of forgetting things (he's on anti anxiety medication which doesn't help, but overall he's just a very forgetful person). But as soon as I expressed my anger, which I did sternly but calmly, I never yell or swear, he got very angry at me, saying he was feeling bad enough already and I was horrible for rubbing it in.
We argued, and I tried to explain that me being angry is a normal reaction to a mistake on his part that never should have happened, and that he needs to deal with the consequences. Also that I feel very alone in carrying all the responsibility, I feel so overwhelmed constantly having to monitor and double check everything he does. He says I'm wrong for making this about me and playing the victim, while our daughter and him are the only ones affected.

I just don't know what to think anymore. He keeps telling me that I'm wrong for having an emotional response to his actions, that I'm just looking for excuses to put him down and that I'm a bad girlfriend for belittling him and criticizing him. Am I?

He's gaslighting you, stop falling for it. He's lazy, irresponsible, selfish, and a negligent parent. He sounds like he's 12 fucking years old. Get rid of him.

You're not wrong. He absolutely should have checked on his daughter at the right time for medication (and regularly in between).

What is worse is his response. Any responsible parent would have felt awful that they'd forgotten to check and give medication.

These things set you up to be the default parent. Next time your DD is ill, you'll either miss work to care for her yourself, or you'll spend your time at work worried and phoning him to remind him of what he should be doing. It sets you up as the responsible parent and him as just a useless babysitter.

I don't know how you change it, but don't doubt your reaction to this, because you're right.

To be honest with you I have no idea why you would not check her when you got in . Maybe I'm too independent but it's the first thing I would have done.

He's a terrible father and your child is not safe alone with him. Fevers that high can be deadly.

There wasn't much time you being out of here read the time correct. Personally I would have been straight up myself to check anyhow once I got in. It won't be the first hubby or I have been a little late with medicine before but it happens and does not make a bad parent

I know I should have checked on her myself. I've been angry with myself for not doing so sooner.
On the other hand I really do resent the idea that with 2 parents in the household, I have to be the one to hold on to everything, and can never trust that the other parent will do what he says he'll be doing. This is not a one time occurence. Not that it should matter, but I'm not a SAHM either. I make the majority of our income.
My partner and I have also been seeing a therapist and he has asked me during our sessions to trust him more, to stop expecting the worst, not double checking everything he does etc. He finds it controlling and it affects his self esteem. So I've been working on giving him the benefit of the doubt. Obviously this is the last time I'll be doing that.

I'm forgetful so I use a reminder app on my phone. Maybe suggest that.

I disagree with this; she should be able to trust her child's father. Obviously she won't now though. OP this is so hard but you're doing the right thing by expressing your anger despite his attempts to suppress you. I'm sure you will anyway but take this to therapy; will be interesting to see how he tries to justify this in front of a third party. If you want to stay with him you'll have to keep pulling him up on this behaviour- so many women lapse into just doing everything themselves but that leads to overwhelming resentment

I’d be furious about this, but you are fully aware of his issues and that he does this, so why you’d leave something so important to him I don’t know.

Because in therapy, he's asked she let go the reins and trust him!

Op, I think you're ill-suited to each other. And this negligence as a parent would be a huge issue to me.