Devastated husband left me pregnant

[Iseverythingrosie]

Long time lurker, first time poster please be gentle.

As the title suggests my husband of 8 years has upped and left me pregnant (25 weeks) and our DS 6.

I had asked for a trial seperation following 3 months of total withdrawal from us and everyone else. He is having counselling initially this was all with a view of sorting out our marriage however it's now over.

We are about to tell DS. He is still flip flopping about his decision. I was still hoping to reconcile.

However I have since discovered all sorts of things that have been going on behind my back. I highly suspect an affair although no admission from him.

I am having my own counselling but still feeling devastated. I feel like I don't even recognise the man I married. I am struggling to look after DS myself and baby, work full time and I also suffer with chronic fatigue.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for from posting but I know how much reading posts from other mums in the same position has helped over the last few months. Any advice especially around co-parenting?

I feel like I am losing my mind.

I'm so very sorry. Do you have any family support?

Where is your H living?

He's staying with his mum for now.

I'm devastated that he doesn't even want to try anymore.

I do have support IRL but I feel so alone in the evenings trapped is the only way to describe it.

Any chance you and he could just talk it out and agree to stay together just for some stability until the baby is born? This isn't an ideal time for major decisions! Sorry you are going through this... Just try to focus on your child and baby and take it one day at a time.

Sorry, I don’t understand. Did he leave you or did you suggest the trial separation. Because they’re different things. If he left you then I say fuck him, get in with life as hard as that may be

if you asked for the separation, then perhaps there is chance of reconciliation

Any chance you and he could just talk it out and agree to stay together just for some stability until the baby is born? This isn't an ideal time for major decisions!
I'm astounded by this comment. Do you think that the OP hasn't tried?

OP, the end of what you think of as your 'forever' relationship usually does knock people for six. I was numb, unable to do anything but the basics, for months. So, don't ask yourself for more than that.

Don't try to re-engage him. Let him stew. Let him go. He's messed you about when you are vulnerable. But you, your ds and baby will come through.

Advice re co-parenting. Never rely on him for anything. Example, the ex-husband said he'd pay half for our daughter's wedding. I knew him very well so we planned the wedding on the budget I had available. Good job we did, because he changed his mind. The same principle applies with everything - sandwiches, school shoes, holidays. Don't tell him you aren't counting on his contributions, but accept them as 'extras'. Same principle with time as with money. My ex-bastard made sure he was on holiday on dd's birthday every year.

Not recognising the man you married is also a common experience. Think of it as that man having moved away and left an imposter in his place. Don't trust the imposter, there are influences on him that you don't know about, and he's probably lying to himself and others about you to try to get the best of the situation for himself.

You need a lawyer and some financial advice. Also see your GP, you need time of work.

Thank you for the replies. Of course I've tried to instigate working things through. He says he can't see how it would work although the issues faced are big having some stability would have been preferable to being alone facing birth.

I have already been let down by him in various aspects. He sees his son when it suits his 'new life' not what's best for his son.

I am terrified of giving birth alone, I can't afford a doula and it doesn't seem as though I can ask anyone else.

Work is the one stable thing and they have been completely understanding and supportive throughout I don't want to stew even more alone in the house.

I suppose I just want to know I'm not the only person feeling this way and it's normal.

There’s always another woman. Always. It’s so depressing reading about the amount of men on here who fuck off and leave their pregnant or recently delivered wives, and existing children, for some other woman. And then LIE about, citing mental health. 🤮 how do they justify it in their brains?!

I'm almost certain there is, the complete detachment from life started at the same time as a lot of travelling for work with one particular woman

So sorry OP, it sounds like you're well rid of him but the timing is not great for you 😢 you can have a relative or friend support you for the birth, please speak to your midwife or GP about your worries, they are there to support you. Lean on your good friends and family and don't be too proud to ask for help, even if it's just a bit of company in the evening. Take care of yourself lovely 💐

I just want to say that I’m so sorry OP. I’m pleased to note that you have help in real life. I think just take things a day at a time, and don’t put any additional pressure on yourself. He’s a horrible person to behave in this way. In time you will feel better, I am sure. If I’ve learned anything from MN, it’s that women do recover from such behaviour and go on to be very happy.

I very much doubt he has changed from the man you married. The real him was always lurking under the surface. He chose to show a different side to you. You are far better off without him in the long run. I know it must hurt so badly, particularly with your pregnancy. He is a fucking weasel of a bastard to do this to you, and you could never, ever trust him again.

Make a list of all the things he's done behind your back - including the affair, I've no doubts about that! - and find your anger. He isn't worthy of you. He's not good enough to wipe your feet on. Lean on your family and friends; avail of all the support you can get.

Speak to a solicitor asap too. You need to know where you stand legally, and do it now, before you're even further into your pregnancy, or have a newborn. You also need firm arrangements for him to have your son regularly. Is your mum around? Could she be with you at the birth?

Binge watch Netflix in the evening if you are on your own. Or call a friend. Chat to someone on Facebook. Post here (it's addictive!) Don't entertain any more of his flip flopping. He will hurt you again if you give him an opportunity.

Sending hugs. Take care xx

@Iseverythingrosie why do you even need a doula?? why do you want to work things out with a sperm donor?? he certainly cannot class himself as a father!

I thought a doula would be one less thing to worry about rather than rely on family. I don't even feel I could rely on him to be here for his son while I am in hospital with my mum.

He has shown his true colours, I don't think I want him back I just feel completely alone and unprepared now.

He is trying to be involved sporadically with all of us.

Single life probably isn't all the crack after all.

I know you're hurting right now. I promise it will get better.

Re birth, have you a close family member or friend that could support? Your midwife will support you also. Maybe consider a student midwife too.

Would a trainee doula be more affordable? Or a newly qualified maternity nurse looking to gain experience and a first reference? IT's maybe worth contacting agencies to check.

Those are both good ideas which I will look into. I just don't know who I would feel comfortable with. I'm trying to take it little by little but after an extremely traumatic birth the first time this is the huge thing looming and worrying me more than anything else.

Second births are generally easier if that is any comfort. Could a friend look after the 6 year old while your mum goes with you? If it was my daughter in your circumstances I wouldn't at all grudge being there.

You don’t need to give birth alone. I’m pretty certain if the father can’t or won’t be there then you can choose your own birthing partner and this can be a friend or relative.

I think this is the most sensible approach. It is difficult for you. I don't think now is the time to see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. IMHO. There is a few weeks till the birth.

Divorce is well and truly underway, STBXH took it well and truly out of my hands as he was too busy with the OW! I had my baby 2 months ago and I had my mum there during my c section so I wasn't alone. STBXH is full of regret but you cannot undo what has been done!

Sorry it turned out like this op, but you are a strong woman deserving of so much better. He's a POS, and will regret his choices in life but that's for him to deal with for the rest of his life. A man who leaves his pregnant wife and child isn't a man. How are you doing? How are you coping?

Well my STBXH has certainly realised what he's given up and full of regrets. I now realise that he's not the man I thought he was and he probably never was. It's grieving for someone who is still alive is the only way I can describe it. I'm concentrating on my beautiful children and our future the 3 of us. What that looks like who knows but we will get through. I didn't believe those amazing women in my life and here who told me I would but each day things get slightly better.