Advice on how to leave??

[booksandpizza]

Sorry, this is a long one.

My question is: How to break up with someone who I suspect has 'narcissistic' traits and get them to leave your house?

I'm constantly on eggshells, being criticised and "corrected", told what is suitable for me to wear, I have to have dinner ready for when he's home or he kicks off, nothing I ever do is good enough, his anger is sporadic, over tiny things and controlling... the list goes on and on.
He's also given me lots of reasons to believe that he's not happy in my "pre-made" family (I have a 10 year old from a previous relationship).
He also doesn't contribute to any bills as he still has a flat elsewhere, he just never stays there. He will buy the food shop though sometimes, but always claims to be out of money and makes me feel bad.

He always talks bad about my friends and family and I've always suspected it's to try to put me off them so I only have him - he did ultimately fail on this tactic, though.
To make it worse, we have a child on the way which he isn't happy about either (unplanned as I was on contraception, but abortion is not at all on my radar). I feel a bit trapped because altho he's made it perfectly clear he doesn't want a baby, he's told me he is coming to the scans (for example) regardless of not wanting it, and this makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

We argue constantly about the same thing over and over again and during arguments he will call me names and just be verbally abusive (but never raises his voice).

It's come to my realisation recently that he's actually jealous of the relationship I have with my son and thinks HE should be my priority and not my son (never going to happen, kids first always).
He obvs has some good qualities too and manages to reel me back in after each argument. But this list is not exhaustive and I'm just trying to show you guys what I'm dealing with and why I'm asking for advice on this particular subject.

Please no judgements.

I know this needs to be done and I'll be happier in the long run. I've read online that you should prepare before going steaming in, and try to keep the convo to a minimum, but what's really the best strategy!? I feel terrified (not for my safety, but for his reaction and potential repercussions).
Advise is greatly appreciated, please

It depends on your position. Is the house yours/tenancy in your name? Are you financially independent of him?

@olderbutwiser the tenancy is in my name and I'm not financially reliant on him at all

In that case, you are very much in a position of strength and have a number of options.

Are you concerned he will become physically violent when you break up with him?

You have to be firm op.
Tell him it's over and to pack his shit and leave.
If he refuses, call the police and tell them you feel at risk as you've asked him to leave your home and he's not happy about it.

He has a place to be so he doesn't need time other than enough to grab his things.

Once he's out, have your locks changed (drop the spare new keys with the estate agent and explain the situation).

How far along is the pregnancy?

@olderbutwiser Im not worried he will become violent, but I am worried about a potential argument or him refusing to leave, or not getting the message (or ignoring the message completely as if nothings wrong).

He usually will downplay my concerns and make out I'm overreacting, then he will just go out and come back hours later, instead of dealing with anything

Please seek advice from Women's Aid about how to leave an abusive relationship with a controlling partner.

Their behaviour always ramps up in the event of a relationship breakdown.

You could also contact your local police if you are concerned about him not leaving your home without kicking off.

Do not put his name on the birth certificate and protect your child.

But definitely start with Women's Aid. They're brilliant.

@Pinkbonbon thank you for your advice. I'm just so worried he won't take me seriously at all or will make out I'm being a drama queen. My heart is beating out my chest just thinking about it.

I'm around 12 weeks, I have my dating scan this week

@Sicario thank you for your message. I didn't even think of woman's aid, I guess I didn't think it was serious enough for that really. I will go on their website and have a see. Thank you again

'I want to break up'
'You're overreacting'
'Cool. Whatever. We're over either way. Pack your things now and leave'.

You don't need to explain why. Or excuse or justify. Just "because I want to". Second he starts to argue "not interested in a debate thanks, just pack up and go".

Start backing away. Confide in your mw that you want to end things. Have a mate come stay when you ask him to leave.

Ahh..quite far along then.
Still, I would still consider not keeping the baby.

Can't think of anything worse than an abuser as a father. Apart from you, being tied to him for life too.

Guess you could tell him you lost it and move away from the area...

Whatever you do, make sure the child has your surname. And ideally, don't put him on the birth certificate.

As for your scans, change the days you are due to. Explain the situation to your hospital too so they can be ready to keep him out. He has no right to be there. Its your body and you've every right to protect yourself and feel safe.

So much great advice on this thread.
I especially love @Dareisayiseethesunshine 's suggestion to have a friend with you when you give him the heave-ho. In fact, I'd suggest a group of friends and/or relatives, some of them male if you can swing it. Then you have real backup if he kicks off and one of them can be primed to dial 999 if necessary.
Also, change the locks/codes. You don't even have to tell him about this. If you're there and the door's unlocked he'll just come in, not realising.

You could even just wait till he's got a full day out of the house at work and change the locks. Pack up his stuff and drop it round his parents place/his other flat or something. Then text him 'we're over, if left your stuff at your parents place, I've changed the locks so don't come back. If you do, I will contact the police. I will contact you after the baby is born to discuss co parenting arrangements'.

Don't open the door to him. If he does kick off, call the police.

Go away for a few days with the kid too maybe, till things die down a bit.

Don't reply to any messages he sends.
You could even block him if you want. But if you do that then make sure you've screenshotted your text asking him to stay away (once he's seen it). So you can prove you've asked him to do that.

Once he’s out you could consider a non molestation order to stop him coming back to the house and harassing you.

To prep for your convo with him I would make a note, even a list on your phone, of all the points that have caused the breakdown of your relationship. Means you can stick to the facts and hopefully help you when he's starting to kick off or if he tries to start running g you in circles. Stick to the points, be firm in your resolve and make it clear. I completely agree that arranging for a friend to stay over that evening is a great idea.
You can absolutely do this. You don't need this man