Feeling 'Meh' about dates

[MintChocolatexx]

I am mid thirties and haven't been in a relationship for 6 years. I have been on and off dating apps for the whole time except Covid, and no dates have ever made it past the 2nd one because of their reasons or mine. I feel a bit burnt out doing the app thing, all the messages, the meeting up with strangers thing and I was ready to pack it all in again for YET another break, however i've been on a first and second date with someone recently and it looks like there may be a third on the cards. Which is very rare for me!!

But I find myself feeling unbothered about meeting him again! I fancy him, he is a decent bloke, seems genuine, intelligent. So I'm not sure why I feel so meh about him. Perhaps as i'm so used to things not working out?

I did feel he is quieter than me and I didn't always feel the conversation flowed really easily, it was a bit awkward at times. I do also wonder if our humour is aligned, but in person, I have liked him!

I think I may be comparing him to exes I had years ago, where I had that giddy feeling about them.

Has anyone felt like this about someone and feelings ended up changing or has it always been a sign the person isn't right for you?

See I've been told that 'excited spark' initially is not something to look for, and to instead look for kindness and qualities you actually want in a partner. Sparks and excitement come and fade, but you need someone who is steadfast with good morals.

Maybe your looking for the wrong thing?

I'm exactly like this when dating.

Until I really start to fall for someone, I usually don't much care whether or not I see them again. I don't get particularly excited for dates. They could be gorgeous, charming, funny, have an excellent job.. and still I'm only really in it for 'something to do' for the first little while.

So whether or not it gets to second, third, fourth date and beyond is really a function of how busy I happen to be at the time.

I've been like this at the start of every LTR I've had - even with men I ended up completely in love with ultimately. Not sure why

@retinolalcohol from a few things I've listened or read from supposed experts what you're describing is normal. One study tracked couples, and their feelings over time. Years into the relationships, they described being really into their partners from the start. However what they actually said, at the beginning of the relationship, contradicted that claim. So it seems that once the relationship flourished they essentially rewrote history 🤷‍♂️

Could have written your post myself op.

Apart from our convo really does flow.
He seems lovely and it's such a breath of fresh air. But I just don't feel much of anything.

I don't need butterflies but, I think I'd like at least a little flutter.

And there's such a...peace that comes with being single. I guess it's addictive. I don't want to give it up for anything less than 'a bit smitten'.

I normally don't bother if I don't fancy them by the end of date 2. But I so enjoy his company and recognise he could be good for me...so it's a quandary.

Haven't had a proper snog yet though...maybe that would clarify things.

Bad kisses are game over for me regardless of anything else. Yes they can improve but, I'm too old to be arsed teaching someone the basics of kissing if they don't know by now.

Is there any kiss chemistry between you two?

@spookehtooth that's really interesting! I think it's easy to go 'oh yes I knew they were the one' 20 years, a marriage and 3 kids later isn't it

I've thought the world of people before and never had any sense of 'knowing' at the start.

But then I'm quite pessimistic anyway and don't believe in ' the one' - I'd say there are just thousands of people that could be very good for any one of us. Luck of the draw whether we find them!

I’ve always been like that OP. I’ve never had that instant spark where I’ve felt straight away that I want to arrange more dates.

Ive seen posts on here saying that they wanted to rip someone’s clothes off on the first date - I’ve never ever felt that in my 55 years on the planet. The people I’ve dated I liked as people and went from there.

And like a PP I don’t believe in soulmates or the one - I think it’s about being compatible and good friends and going from there.

I think for me, the problem is that I fancy him, and I know he's a decent guy so I feel like I should like him a lot, but I think its the conversation. Hes quieter than i'm used to, my previous partners were fairly confident and flirty and we bounced off each other when chatting. I can tell this guy is thoughtful, he remembers things i've spoken about, but the conversation isn't making me laugh and usually humour and 'banter' has been a fairly big part in my relationships.

I think you need to kiss and go from there. If you fancy him, then it's surely worth that to see if you do feel more, or you communicate well physically (!) I wouldn't discount a quieter guy, I also love that sparky conversation but I don't think that's essential in a relationship necessarily if other things are good.

I find it interesting that you're looking for the same thing as you're used to/experienced with your exes.

Your exes. As in, those relationships never worked out.

Perhaps this guy being a little different is nature's way of helping you realise that your chattier, flirtier, more outgoing exes weren't actually what you are looking for and Mother Nature is offering you something a little different to try on for size.

In the absence of icks and red flags, just see where things go with this new guy.

Ahh OK, yeah that changes things.

I'd understand a second date in this situation but I wouldn't bother with a third if it still didn't...flow.

He's hook up territory just.

he is quieter than me and I didn't always feel the conversation flowed really easily, it was a bit awkward at times. I do also wonder if our humour is aligned

These are very clear reasons to not pursue a relationship with someone. Why are you doubting yourself? Why do you think anything might be a better indicator of whether you should keep carrying on dating someone than whether you want to keep dating them?

After the first couple of dates with my DH I was not sure. I liked him but didn't get that instant spark. However I decided to give him a chance as some of the dates with that instant spark fizzled out and didn't really go anywhere. If he hadnt wanted to see me again I wouldnt have been that bothered but he did want a third date and I basically felt like I had nothing to lose. As we got to know each other better his personality shone through and I found he was actually great company, he is just a bit awkward at times which isn't always going to come across well on a first date. We have now been married for 10 years and I couldn't wish for a better partner he is kind and considerate and I am so glad I gave our relationship a chance.

Yeah this is something to consider. I wouldn't be bothered too much if he changed his mind and no longer wanted to date me, however, I can tell he is looking forward to seeing me again, and having been single for so long I don't think I have much to loose. Nor are there many other options right now.

Hey, sorry to comment on a random super old thread, but just wondering how this worked out?! Did you see him again? Was your gut instinct right? Currently in a VERY similar situation where I'm torn on whether or not to keep seeing him! 3 dates in and he's genuinely great and I do fancy him, but not sure if we have shared humour or that sparky conversation...