Sentimental ideas anyone?

[Peaches1187]

Ideas on something I can do to make DH feel special and loved. Bit of a cheesy post BUT… DH works really long hours in a stressful job (particularly stressful atm), he’s a great father to our 2 small children and as is commonly said on here we are in the trenches at the moment! Im a SAHM mum and have been hugely struggling with various things for a while, basically he’s always the one being supportive of me and my struggles. After a disagreement the other day it’s become apparent he’s feeling undervalued - on reflection he is probably right. Not that he is actually undervalued, but I have been so wrapped up in my own head I’ve definitely been neglecting his needs. It’s a much longer story than that but basically want to see if anyone has any ideas on any nice gestures just to do something nice for him? (Other than changing my day to day behaviours/ being more mindful) I want to try and think of something sentimental, doesn’t have to necessarily be a grand gesture. Any ideas welcome :)

Could you do a nice meal? Just for the two of you? Get the kids to bed and switch off screens/phones. Use the opportunity to just 'chat'. Rekindle some intimacy?

Could you get a babysitter and take him out for dinner?

I think as PPs have said, the best way to make someone feel seen and appreciated is in making time and space to pay them real attention – sit down once the kids are in bed and ask about how his day went, and really listen; remember small things he mentions and act on them... but you've asked for over-and-above sentimental stuff, so...

• Little notes left somewhere he'll find them (but won't be seen by colleagues) while he's at work - in a trouser pocket, in his wallet, for example? Nothing super-smushy, just short messages telling him things you appreciate and love about him.
• Make him a playlist of songs from your relationship and share it with him as he leaves for work one morning – or play it one evening while you're cooking dinner (and dance ridiculously to make it fun)
• Make a 'Daddy Dinner' one evening where you all eat a weird mix of his favourite foods, whether they go together or not
• Depending on how physically connected you usually are, give him an unannounced shoulder or foot massage while you're watching TV one evening
• My partner recently got a Ring doorbell, so I've started holding up little signs in front of it every now and again that tell him I love him – so he sees it when he gets the notification and knows I'm thinking of him
• Replace something of his with a nicer version without saying anything - doesn't have to be expensive, just a soft pair of socks or a new razor
• Do a chore of his you know he doesn't enjoy – again, without saying anything
• Listen carefully to the things he shares about what's going on in his life, and make small changes / do small things that respond to his stresses or worries
• Plan a few hours at the weekend to do something with him that you know he enjoys but you don't usually enjoy – whether that's a visit to somewhere or getting him to teach you his hobby
• Make a quiet point of thanking him for something every night before you go to sleep, or telling him something you appreciated about him that day (depending on how old your kids are, you can turn this into a family habit where you all do this for one another)

He said he feels undervalued, his needs are neglected

Are you sure he wants a sentimental gesture? Is that what he’s asking here?

I think trying to reconnect and talk as a couple (an evening out leaving dc with a sitter) is a good suggestion.

Im not sure about the focus on something sentimental ?

I tend to think of “sentimental” as happy fond memories of the past and a sentimental gift would be something like old photos or a keepsake from a happy time in your past?

I agree - and I took OP's post to mean she's already planning to focus on the more fundamental stuff, so what she's looking for here are small sentimental things over and above that.

Fair enough.

I suppose op knows what her dh likes! I know mine would find hidden love notes around the house a bit tedious and cheesy. We don’t really go for romantic gestures.

I like the idea of showing appreciation for each other though. It’s easy to take each other for granted when life is stressful and busy.

Totally – at work I constantly have to differentiate between 'urgent' tasks and 'important' ones, because the longer-term important ones get so easily lost in the background of firefighting in the day-to-day – and relationships can go the same way, especially with young children in the picture.

I've often heard people say that you should choose your life partner based at least to some extent like you'd choose a business partner, because so much of what you'll end up doing together is 'management' – and that feels true to some extent – but the dorky, playful, sweet and cheesy stuff matters too!

Do you know his love language or can you guess it ? Plenty online if you google it.

What will make him happy. If I was in his shoes it would be something like quality time together, no kids or distractions. Or little notes like 'you mean the world to me, I may not always show it but you are amazing', or a little photo album of you two with a note promising more to come. Would physical affection help, anything from actually sitting next to him on sofa, hand holding though to more intimate stuff. What do you think he is 'missing'?

A blow job.

Cook his favourite food - not just once, but regularly make dinners he really enjoys.

Cook or buy him a treat - a batch of brownies, a bottle of nice wine, slice of really good cheese, just for him.

Buy him something online - a token present - and have it arrive addressed to him as a surprise.

Offer to give him a neck, shoulder and back massage if work is causing stress tension. (learn some good techniques for unknotting muscles online so it is better than a half hearted back rub)

Write him a card or note that tells him what you appreciate about him. Or a funny poem. Some people might find this a bit cheesy but if you think he'd like it, do it.

Say: Do you want to watch the football? Bring him tea or beer and home made pizza and leave him in peace. (Makes DH v happy)

Ask about work and listen to answers. Sympathise. Only offer advice if sought.

Plan a surprise night out - tickets to a comedian or band or sporting event that he loves more than you do.

Organising a special date night or getting a gift is a passing way to show him how much you love and appreciate him but it’s the little things every day that count.

make sure you hug/kiss in the morning before he leaves for work.

tell him how happy you are to see him when he’s back from work.

make time for each other even if it’s 5 minutes after the kids are in bed. Have a cup of tea ask how each others days were, talk about what up coming plans you can make together.

notes in his lunch are cute or texts throughout the day letting him know you’re grateful to be sharing this crazy life with him.

when you work on the little things it makes a stronger foundation so even if you can’t be out on dates nights etc he will feel more loved and confident. Words mean everything, use them.

It's a nice thought, but will he appreciate something sentimental? Is that what he actually wants? Or is it that you're the one who wants to give him this because you would appreciate it, or that it will make you feel better?

What he's going to notice and appreciate the most are permanent changes. If he's feeling undervalued, maybe start by being more mindful of when you say thank you for simple things, considering how actions or event affect him more, or being more patient. Things like that.

I agree with a PP that casually saying thanks for things makes a huge difference. Notice what he does and don't take it for granted.

Also, show clearly that you are matching his efforts. E.g. Thanks for taking the bins out. I've cleaned the loo and the dryer filter because I don't want you to end up doing all the grubby jobs.

Bit forced maybe but my own DH doesn't always notice stuff I do in return for efforts he makes, and gently demonstrating you are willing to match his efforts is good for both of you.

I make my DHs breakfast, coffee and packed lunch every morning. Sets him up for the day and it means if he's stuck on a job he doesn't have to worry about finding somewhere to buy lunch.

If he's working long hours he'll probably appreciate more practical things.

This

Everyone is different but grand gestures or gift are a bit meh with me - yes they are nice but it is the kiss when coming home from work or telling me something nice that gives me an amazing feeling