I'm feeling very stuck in limbo with my relationship. I have been going to counselling for 6 months which has really helped me work through prior issues and build my self esteem. I am trying to navigate my relationship with my partner and I just can't seem to make a decision once and for all. I keep hoping and thinking he could change and worrying about ruining my life by leaving him.
My counsellor told me he is controlling after I told her things he had said to me while on holiday. He has punched a wall twice in the past. He is on occasions quite mean and gets overly angry about things (like dog misbehaving, bad driving). I feel like I can never win with him. He's also quite lazy, smokes weed, doesn't help with housework day to day and doesn't take care of his personal hygiene well enough. On the other hand I feel like my whole life is with him and it is obviously not all bad. I can't imagine not seeing him or his family any more. He also won't let me take our dog and refuses to share her so I think I would have to accept that. Sometimes he is lovely to me, when he is in a good mood and I'm not doing something he would deem wrong but I can't help thinking things will never be how they should be. I often wonder if I am the problem in the relationship rather than him as he oftens says I am (have anxiety, low self esteem and get defensive). I also think I had an idea of our future, getting married etc and it is hard to come to terms with ending that.
How do you untangle yourself and not just keep sitting in limbo, ruminating over the same events and actions over and over again? I feel I just need to find a way to make a decision to stay or go either way but I can't seem to do it.