Toxic parents - am I being fair?

[roseability]

Another spread inspired me to write this. I have had a troubled relationship with my parents all my life and it came to a head when DS was born. Although we still maintain contact, we are much closer to my DH's parents who have been like a surrogate family to me (and they live a lot closer than my parents). The reasons for this are very long winded so I won't bog you down with it all. Basically my parents are my biological grandmother (my birth mother's mother) and her second husband (therfore not my biological granfather), talk about unusual! They adopted me when I was 2 as my birth mother suffered severe mental health problems, she is now sadly no longer with us but I did have contact with her when she was alive.
My parents think I have turned out okay because of them. Actually by the time I was 18, I was a bit messed up and going away to university and meeting my DH and his family sorted me out.
My Dad over the years tried to pressure me into a career in running as he always wanted to be a runner and didn't have the backing. He would do things like rant and rave at me if I didn't run well and make me stand on the scales and call me 'a fat cow'. When DS was born he criticized the way I dressed and when I got upset and threatned to go home (we were staying with them at the time) he said 'go home then and I won't be up for Christmas!' Even last time he was up he had a rant at me along the lines of 'you didn't have the bottle to be a good runner'.
My Mum had a go at me the very first time I phoned her from the hospital when DS was born, not even a 'I'm really happy for you, congratulations'. She claims it was because I hadn't kept her up to speed during the labour etc. I WAS IN LABOUR and I had dragged myself to the phone as soon as I could post birth with catheter in tow. She tried to undermine me breastfeeding, even though I had expressed my desire to do so without criticisms. In the past she has called me a bitch, told me she hates me and when I broke down once about family issues she told me I was pathetic and stormed out of the room. Then she expects me to fawn over her because she had the goodness to adopt me!
Am I really mean in thinking that they didn't do anything we wouldn't all do i.e. look after our grandchildren and that I shouldn't have to feel grateful? Am I wrong to limit contact and to not want my DS to see them that much?
I have had councilling for this but still preys on my mind. Things are a lot better, we seem to have reached a truce and just have contact on my terms.

I think you should focus on "Things are a lot better, we seem to have reached a truce and just have contact on my terms."

and forget any guilt.

You seem to be in a good place now, just stay there and do it all on your terms.

I agree with Twig.

You're well within your rights to limit contact and keep things on your terms. I don't think you're mean for thinking they wouldn't do anything we wouldn't all do either.

Try to keep the past in the past too, while not suppressing it obviously! Good old rants and moans on here are very cathartic!

OMG! Don't let them get to you...it is quite apparent why your mother may have had mental health problems...some people seem to be able to steam roller over anyone who is more fragile mentally. Since I've had children, family problems bother me a lot less because I've ceated my own family unit and feel I have a responsibility to make that unit as good as possible, so be grateful to your parents but enjoy your new family and keep any contact with them to group activities to save the recriminztions/ condemnations -well done you for turning out OK!

Can totally empathise with you as I was brought up by my maternal grandmother and frequently reminded how grateful I should be.

You've done so well and I expect have worked hard to be in your good place now. Don't throw that away and listen to that guilty voice.

Your DS needs his strong, loving mum more than he needs extra contact with people like this.

He didn't have the bottle to be a runner either. I'm so angry for you at the expectations these people have of you. Do they get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and sing "me, me, me, me, me-e-e"?

Why do you have to be grateful to them? He should be grateful he had someone to bully all those years, and your grandmother should be grateful it was you he was bullying, not her. Sorry to rant. Stick to the people who are kind to you. That's all anybody wants in life. Who needs the rest of it?

If it makes you feel any better about making the decision not to see them much, remember that you have a responsibility to DS. He doesn't need toxic grandparents in his life!

thanks guys! I am aware that you are just hearing my side of things, I am sure my parents have their side as well. You are so right, I have my own family unit now. Although I did suffer with post natal anxiety (not helped by toxic parents!), I sought help for it, and with ADs/counselling and a supportive husband/ILs I have come through it. My DS is a joy, and whilst I won't deny I still have bad days or claim to be the perfect mother (lost my rag with him this morning all ready!) we seem to have a good bond and spend a lot of time together. He gets so much from my MIL and FIL as well. They really adore him and spend a lot of time with him. They have helped us hugely emotionally, practically and financially. So I won't feel guilty about DS seeing them more. I lived down south with my parents and then they decided to move to Lancashire when I was 8. This was 200 miles away from my birth mother. I think my Dad forced the issue for various reasons but how could they do that when my birth mother was ill and all she had was me? Arghh! Then they try to make me feel guilty about moving to Scotland to go to uni (I am still in Scotland thank God!)

Recluso how is the bond between you and your grandmother? Do you call her Mum? I think if I was ever in a situation where I had to take custody of my grandchild, I wouldn't expect them to call me Mum (in fact I wouldn't want it). Yes of course they would always have a home with me and I would raise them if need be but they would always know who their mother/father was and call them such.

Roseability sorry I've only just come back but with 2 teenagers wanting the pc too I don't get long on here!

Unfortunately my grandmother died when I was 18 and my grandfather had passed away when I was 3. I can remember calling her mum when I was very young, but that stopped when (on one of the very few occasions) my birth mum was visiting and I said "mum" and they both answered!

I suppose the bond between my grandmother and myself was ok but it wasn't a very nuturing relationship. She had already had her children and didn't really appreciate the extra work. It didn't help that my mum wasn't married when she had me and as my grandparents were Irish Catholic, you can imagine the guilt! I think that was why she left when I was 3 months old.

I know that if I ever had to do the same for a grandchild of mine I would do it so differently. You are so right about telling them about their birth parents and I know I would always let them ask questions. Something I wasn't "allowed" to do and has certainly left a mark. In my case because my mum wasn't around, I ended up carrying her baggage within the family and becoming the black sheep. But as they say that's a whole new story!

I'm so pleased for you that you can now have a relationship that is on your terms. I've had various attempts to have some sort of relationship with my mum but they have all failed. I suppose I was wanting a mum and she was wanting a daughter - we had never been those to each other.

I'm such a lurker on mn but had to post because your post touched a nerve.

Take care of yourself and your family x

Have a look at the 'stately homes' thread it has people on who also had probelm with their parents.

They have loads of good advice and support.

Will have a look at the other threads. Although I wouldn't wish these kinds of problems on anyone it is nice to know I am not the only one who dosen't have a good relationship with their parents. Recluso thanks so much for sharing that with me. I hope you didn't think I was prying, I just always felt like I was in such an unusual situation being brought up by grandparents. It probably happens more than I think! Sounds like you have broken the cycle with your own kids though, what a star!

Roseability I didn't think you were prying at all. It is reassuring to know that I wasn't the only one!

Throughout all my mn lurking I have always found Twiglett's comments re toxic parents to be a help and would recommend her advice. It is strange that in rl I trust very few people but someone online can be such a help without knowing it! I grew up longing for a 'proper' family but from reading the stately homes thread it goes to show that damage can be done in 'normal' homes. I don't mean that I'm glad that others have suffered at all but by sharing our experiences we can gain some support.

Re the cycle thing I'm not sure that I've totally broken it but hopefully I've put enough punctures in the tyres that it can't travel too far!

roseability - You sound as though you have found the nurturing parents you've always needed in your dh's family and it sounds as though they're all you need.