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Relationships

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Original poster

Marriage without attraction, when is it bad enough to leave?

26 replies

ThrowItAll · 29/04/2024 10:45

How do you know when it’s bad enough to leave? I don’t want a sexual relationship with my husband, I’m not attracted to him anymore and I think we are very different people and I long for a passionate, romantic and yes, sexual relationship where there is that attraction and deep love.

But then I look at everything else, we have children together and he’s a brilliant parent, I’d say there is no default parent in our marriage. He’s just as involved in everything, sometimes even more so than me. He’s a great husband in a lot of ways, he’s kind and supportive and always on board with my ideas, he’s very practical and our house is gorgeous because every idea I have he’ll spends weeks doing a perfect DIY of it alongside a full time job. He works hard and puts our family unit at the forefront of everything. He cares deeply about our futures and has multiple pensions, life insurance policies, private health care plans for us all. He’s always up for days out, weekends away, holidays etc where my dad never was. He will do little things for the kids to make their childhoods seem magical. He cooks, he cleans, he pulls his weight, he gets up with the kids, I’ve never had to ask for any of it. I look at the bigger picture and I think, am I mental? I could leave and yes, I could get someone more attractive, who dressed better and is closer to my age (he is 12 years older than me) but would I regret losing all the other qualities?

OP posts:

Froniga · 29/04/2024 10:54

How long have you been married? Sounds like you’ve had children and lost the romance with all that child care entails.
This is perfectly normal - takes time for relationship with children to adjust.
Your description of your husband sounds like the perfect man. This is likely a “bump” in the road. A date night or 2 might be what’s needed. Or maybe a day out on your own or a weekend away.
The daily grind of family life can often erode the romance in a relationship.
Please hang in there - think back to the early days and what attracted you to this man, to ultimately marry him and have his children.
I hope you can get through this difficult time.
Sending hugs

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 29/04/2024 11:07

Can you send me his number please 😁

MMmomDD · 29/04/2024 11:09

How long have you been married? And what was your relationship history prior to H?

Some people associate ‘passion’ with drama.
And grownup relationships (kids, house, daily grind) that are normal seem bland and grass seems greener.
In reality it rarely is.

Maintaining spark in a relationship takes effort on both sides. And - before blowing up your life (yours, kids, etc) - i’d at least try to see if you can reignite it.

Have a look at a great book - ‘Mating in Captivity’ - its about how to to keep a marriage alive.
Try some counselling to see what it is you may be searching for. Or if you, possibly, have an idealised fantasy of what love is.
Or to rule out depression.
Check your hormones - as you lack of attraction to H may also be due to hormonal issues.

Talk to women who left in search of that ‘rush’ - finding that romantic passionate relationship instead of boring regular one.

PS your H seems like a unicorn. A very rare breed. They don’t come along often. Just saying…

JumalanTerve · 29/04/2024 11:13

Unless you have examined your relationship history, attachment style, and learnings about relationships from your childhood, ideally via therapy or counselling, I would say it is very likely you will blow up your family's life, have two years of passion with a new partner, get bored of them too, and be in exactly the same position but with a failed marriage and shared custody behind you. Please read about the effects of monogamy on women with age and think extremely carefully about what you do next before you impact your child's life in a way that can't be undone

jumpingjacksss · 29/04/2024 11:15

He sounds fab don't give it all up

Mamoun · 29/04/2024 11:18

Attraction ebbs and flows. It needs to be worked on.
Aside from intimate life, do you enjoy spending time together? Do you enjoy chatting when the kids are in bed?

Toomuch44 · 29/04/2024 11:51

I think it's a case of "being careful what you might wish for". You might be lucky and find a good one who treats you well, but not half as well as the one you've got now half of what you've got ri. On the other hand, you could end up with an bad one.

How do you feel about him - love/care for him? If someone told you he was being admitted to hospital, would you be there like a shot or would only attend to show face? I think the answers to these questions are worth considering.

Oblomov24 · 29/04/2024 11:59

Are you serious? Read that again. Read all the good. Talk to him, ask him for a date night, as a pp suggested.

Blueberrrries · 29/04/2024 12:07

I think it would be worth trying to rekindle the romance, based on what you've said. But I don't want to ignore how lonely you must feel in the marriage - if he was a great Dad and great at all the practicalities AND unkind to you/you had a bad relationship in other ways (not just sexually) it would be a different story.

But you say he is kind and supportive as well as good in a practical, family sense - so try couples counselling/weekends away? Have you ever been attracted to him? If yes, I would say this definitely stands a chance. And I write this as a divorced person!

When your relationship loses kindness/support, as well as attraction, I would say that is getting closer to the time to consider ending things -- but these qualities are worth a great deal IMO.

gannett · 29/04/2024 13:04

The key question is why you're not attracted to him any more. Broadly, I think if there was once attraction, it can be rekindled; but if there wasn't any in the first place, you can't create something out of nothing.

If the romance and couple time has gone from your marriage, you can try date nights, maybe even the kind of dates you went on at the start when you fell for him. This is the kind of effort it's worth making.

If the attraction has gone because he's changed physically, that's more delicate territory. But you can still have that conversation about style or health or fitness without being critical, I think. Depends what the issue really is.

I don't get the sense from your post that the attraction has gone because of his behaviour, or because your libido has lowered generally.

If the attraction was never there then the options are to separate, or to accept this is your lot. I don't think the latter is advisable, no matter what the material benefits; it's a recipe for making you about as miserable as you can get, while also deceiving him in a way you'd find unforgivable if someone did it to you.

Rearised · 29/04/2024 15:33

I'll have him.
You vastly overestimate men's abilities in bed and the availability of quality men to date lol. Don't be daft and work on your marriage is my advice.

Oblomov24 · 29/04/2024 15:37

"am I mental? "

C1N1C · 29/04/2024 15:54

I can see you posting an "I divorced the most amazing man in the world because I thought I could do better, and now all the men I've been dating since have been just after one thing and are vile pigs" post on here in a few years :).

Seriously, I'm a man and I'd marry him!

Caravaggiouch · 29/04/2024 15:55

With children I wouldn’t leave because of that.

C1N1C · 29/04/2024 15:56

...although this sounds suspiciously like a humble brag 😋

Nori10 · 29/04/2024 15:56

Is there something specifically you don't find attractive? Assume you found him attractive in the past? What's changed? His appearance? Hygiene? Or could it be boredom and familiarity have impacted how you feel?

I've been with my dh 20 years and still find him very attractive, but even then, it's not like we're ripping each other's clothes off every 5 minutes. Being together long term, coupled with the drudgery of every day life, tends to dampen things even for couples who do still maintain a high level of attraction. The grass isn't always greener, and there are things to be tried to make your current pasture more appealing if you're open and willing to put the effort in. I'd explore that before ending the he marriage.

mrssunshinexxx · 29/04/2024 15:57

He sounds lovely. Do you get much chance for date nights and time alone?

Dacadactyl · 29/04/2024 15:59

I would work at my marriage like nothing else if I felt like this about my husband. My DH is like yours too (in terms of being a good husband and father) and if I felt I was losing attraction I'd do absolutely anything to rekindle it.

What is it that means you're not attracted to him anymore?

mummymeister · 29/04/2024 16:00

If you are early 40's then you may be peri menapausal. it can be a horrible, brutal time when you feel all the feelings that you describe. it might not be the reason but if you fall into this age group dont discount it. Its only now I am out the other side that I realise I went through some awful thoughts about my DH. The effects of menapause on mental health are not only real but ime worse than the physical ones. I imagined and thought all sorts of dark thought about all sorts of things.

Dery · 29/04/2024 18:33

Honestly, OP - it does sound like you've been reading a few of too many Mills & Boons.

Presumably, you once were sufficiently attracted to your husband to want to have a family with him. In the earlier years of parenting, while it is important to give some attention to the couple relationship, it's pretty common for parents to feel like ships in the night, with their focus being on looking after children.

I actually think it's important to find the romance in the mundane. You're not going to feel huge excitement about being with someone with whom you're going through the daily grind because they're part of your daily reality. We don't tend to get excited about things that we experience day in/day out.

But with DH, I love that we have been together for 20+ years and we can still find things to talk about, still make each other laugh, still enjoy each other's company. Once our children were a bit older, we were able to start rekindling that part of our relationship.

It requires you to take an active interest in your partner. It sounds like you take him massively for granted. You don't value him because you assume he will always be there for you. It sounds like you fantasise about the men you don't have. But a lot of what you feel towards your husband is probably just a function of going through the daily grind with him. If you were married to and parenting with a different man - you may well find you were taking that man for granted and hankering after the man who, in this life, is your husband.

You may have a huge drip feed that will change everyone's advice on this but at the moment it really sounds like you're suffering from grass is greener syndrome.

occhiazzurri · 29/04/2024 20:44

Realistically you are looking at being a single parent without any time or opportunity for a serious relationship. The likelihood of meeting someone else is very slim and you will find that you will primarily attract divorces 10+ years older. Please consider getting some individual therapy.

SleepQuest33 · 29/04/2024 20:49

What a wonderful man you have there!!!

i wouldn’t let him go.

Churchview · 29/04/2024 20:53

I could get someone more attractive, who dressed better and is closer to my age.

Have you got your eye on someone OP?

Fiery30 · 29/04/2024 20:56

Sexual attraction and passion are important in a marriage. But before you give your relationship up, have a honest conversation with your husband. Does he miss the intimacy too? What is making him less attractive to you, despite all the amazing qualities you have listed? Perhaps couples' counselling might help restore your relationship or make a decision on the future outcome.

kkloo · 29/04/2024 21:02

You say you don't want a sexual relationship with your husband, have you been having sex you don't want and/or has there been arguments about it?

Some couples in your position just muddle along content enough without the passion and intimacy.
But then for others the lack of sex is a constant source of conflict and/or the person sometimes goes along with sex that they don't want which can be torture.

So how is it currently in your relationship?

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