Can love ever return?

[oatsandbeansandbarleygrow]

Regular poster on other threads but have NC for this. I am devastated, crucified, completely broken. My DH says he no longer loves me and wants a divorce. We have been together 20 years, married for 18 and have 4 DC. We have had a very difficult last five years, financially and with our eldest DC who has severe MH issues.

DH had an affair some years ago which was agonising but we have both worked hard to overcome this and he seemed genuinely remorseful. I know for sure that the OW is not back on the scene and he is adamant there is no one else now but he no longer loves or even likes me. He is very cold when he says these things. This has come to a head recently but he says he has felt this way for years. We have recently moved with his work but he wants to return to where he was brought up, without me, as he has family there still.

I love him with all my heart and am in physical pain with the trauma of it all. I know there are many here who post about how happy they are that they have decided to leave their marriages but is there anyone reading this who has fallen back in love with their partner, or whose DH has told them that they no longer love them and want a divorce, only for the position to change? I suspect I will be told I am clutching at straws but I am desperate for some light at the end of this nightmarish dark tunnel and to have some hope that he will love me again.

So it really depends on the underlying reasons:

Does he not find you attractive, is he going through stress, are you not spending enough time together, do you argue a lot... and lots more.

It sounds like he has checked out so may be too late - but it really needs a calm chat between you. Acknowledge what he has said and look to discuss how to navigate the future. Go along with what he wants initially - what does he want, why does he want it, is he prepared for things like less child access etc... Then if he has valid reasons, acknowledge things have not been good but can counselling help to see how you could rekindle this (what have you got to lose if not abusive etc) and also how you can work together to keep it amicable if not.

When my wife left it was too late for any of that and then various accusations started and it got messy.

Thank you @Dadjoke007 - I think you have touched on many issues that have impacted on us. I have tried to calmly ask if there is any hope of rekindling it and he says it is too late but I simply can't believe that he wants to walk away. We have a lovely family and home, despite the challenges we have faced over the last few years, and have always been an unlikely but complementary couple.

I am so devastated and just want to believe that this is salvageable.

So sorry you're going through this @oatsandbeansandbarleygrow. My stbhx did similar at Christmas. Despite my begging, fighting, pleading, he has not returned and I'm starting a new life without him.

I was adamant there wasn't an OW, and the good people of MN told me to be prepared - there was. Men don't leave for an empty bed, and given his history please don't be surprised when she comes out of the woodwork.

Start thinking about you and your children, not him. He's made him bed, let him lie in it.

Something else I learnt on here- when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

Again, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's a cliché, but time really does help.

Also, please read the book Runaway Husbands - my jaw was on the floor at the similarities.

Thank you for reading and replying, @CleanShirt - I am so sorry too that this awful thing has happened to you. I am in a state of constant anxiety and struggling to control my stress levels, all the time while holding down a busy job with significant responsibility as well as caring for the DC.

I've begged and pleaded - I simply can't imagine life without him, he is my soul mate and I've loved him from the moment I met him. You say time helps but at the moment I feel close to suicidal. I thought we would end our days together.

I've pushed him on the OW issue but he says there is no one although he would, apparently, like to remarry at 'some point in the future'. That reduced me to a hysterical mess.

Thank you too for the book recommendation, I'll take a look.

I can literally feel your pain through your words and can only assure you it does get better - but I know you wont feel like that right now!

Therapy and support groups have helped me hugely, as well as my friends, family and MN. Have you got a good support network around you?

I was told on here to hope for the best but prepare for the worst - sadly I just prepared for the worst as pain was too great to be hopeful. And sadly it helped.

Edit to add - I thought I would die too. I wanted to die and researched how to do it. But 4 months on I'm still here and am (mostly!) making it through the day. Just take it hour by hour, minute by minute if you have to right now. Be kind to yourself x

He said he would like to remarry in the future, but that there isn’t another OW waiting in the shadows. I call lies on that one.

I’m so sorry, this must be so devastating for you, but given his previous behaviour, I would be highly suspicious of his desire to break up.

So sorry. It does get better. I feel your pain coming across too. It's sadly normal.to feel that way. I lost a stone in 2 weeks and didn't sleep properly for around 6.
Mine has not changed his mind either in 2 and a half years.
Be prepared for the other woman to come.out if the woodwork.
See a very good lawyer and find what you can in the way of documents in the house. His pensions, your mortgage statements, any investments.
The runaway husband's book is superb, so it Vikki Starks other book, Planet Heartbreak.
Look at the chump lady website too.
Stop doing anything for him now. No washing no ironing. Ask him to leave. The only way to deal with the pain is not to see him.

Maybe it's because he doesn't think issues will be addressed or too much has gone on. Thats what my ex wife thought.

Have you offered a trial separation - is that possible? Can one move out (maybe use savings to get a short term temp accom for a month or two? Or take it in turns to be in house and live with family the rest of it? Let him see what that would be like?

He has probably spent ages thinking of this and convincing himself, so doubt he will change mind like that, it will take a while if at all.

Tough talk but you have to have the mindset that it's over. Work out what you want and need and start getting it done. Maybe start the work, get a solicitor on board and start getting docs together and make him aware. Say if thats what he wants lets do it, even though you dont, its a bit like calling his bluff. But be prepared that you probably will divorce.

I am going through a similar but not similar thing with my ex GF. After 9 months of the most amazing relationship she wanted to go back to ex - or she thinks she does - and I cant do anything about it. the difference is that things were good but she felt a bigger spark with him even though there were other things not quite right.

@CleanShirt , thank you, you are so kind. I have family who all adore him but I'm not close to any of them and have never confided in them as I am quite different to them (sometimes to the point that as a kid I wondered if I had been swapped at birth!!). I have one extremely close friend who is a great support but there are limits to the number of times I can cry all over her.

I am so desperate for him to change his mind. I feel as if I'm going mad with it. I have a public-facing role in senior management and am fighting every day not to stand up and walk out of meetings that I am chairing as I feel as if I am disintegrating mentally. I don't think I want to be here anymore as I just can't stand the pain.

Yes, I've researched how to die too. It's the thought of the DC that stop me taking it further at the moment.

I promise you that feeling will pass x

Does your employer offer an assistance program? My old one gave 5 free counselling sessions which were invaluable, as I felt lower than I ever had been. Really helped. If not, pay privately - £60 an hour or so but it will save your life and your future will be so much better.

Hi you need to stop researching how to die, and focus on how to survive and live for yourself and for the sake of your children.

You need to dig deep and find your anger as this is what will carry you through the next few months.

I know the pain of losing your husband is all consuming at the moment, but I can 100% say that if he is not displaying the same feelings he has already checked out and doesn't give a shit about you and how you are feeling. You will have to fake it till you make it, but I can guarantee you will make it, why because you are a woman and a mother and we are the best at being able to survive anything that life throws at us.

You need to take on some of the same feelings (it will be very hard but you need to give yourself a huge kick up the arse and get with the program).

Your husband is only looking out for himself now, you need to do the same but with the added children, who will turn to you for your support.

You need to prioritize your house, will you still be able to afford to live there once you divorce, visitation for the children, payments for the children, splitting of any savings or investments you may have.

I’m so sorry op, but this is my thought too. Better to face reality I think, than hang on hoping, when he has checked out and moved on. Things will get better, they really will. My ex cheated and left - out of the blue for me - after 25 years married. I know it’s shit.

You can't rekindle on your own and it's likely this isn't as out of the blue as it feels you you but he has been thinking about this for a while and going through the motions. People tend to be reluctant to change so won't jump from their comfort zone relationship until very sure.

Id suspect there is an OW or at least someone he's been flirting with and believes has potential as motivation to trigger the decision now. He may have wanted to reduce the fallout and hurt with you plus family/friends are more accepting of growing apart reasons than cheating, but I'd expect he'll announce new relationship in a couple months when thinks the dust has settled.

It's shit now but you will get through it and sometimes it's only once out of relationship a while and reflect back with hindsight that realise things weren't as great as you thought at the time. Even if he did give it another go later you'd probably still be paranoid about whether there is/was an OW, anxious of him changing his mind again and likely bend yourself out of shape trying to feel more secure that he loves you. It's crap, you don't deserve that.

The sooner you realise it's over the better.

The minute a person starts begging and pleading them it's completely dead in the water as he will have lost all remaining respect for you and will now hold you in contempt.

not everyone leaves because there is another woman (or man even) - my ex wife didn't have anyone, its because the relationship had become pants!

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

not everyone leaves because there is another woman (or man even) - my ex wife didn't have anyone, its because the relationship had become pants!

Men rarely leave the ease of being a family unit and all that having a wife entails unless they have another possible wife in the background. Women usually leave because they’ve tried everything and it isn’t working. A generalisation yes but it’s true.

You need to stop doing the pick me dance op as hard as it is. Find your anger and get your sensible head on. You need to look at finances, getting copies of everything, savings, pensions, hide/copy important documents/passports. You need to get ahead of him to get a good outcome for yourself and tour dcs as he’s checked out and will have a head start. Usually men leave the actual practicalities of divorcing and all that entails up to the woman though.

You will be ok in time but will have a shitty period whilst you come to terms with everything and figure out what your future will look like. Him saying he sees marriage again in the future is just downright cruel and unecessary and given his past history of cheating you need to prepare for the OW to come out of the woodwork - men will try to wait until the divorce is through and then quickly introduce the “new girlfriend”. They usually don’t want to look like the bad guy and will start to rewrite the narrative of the relationship to make themselves the victim.

Have you read “The Script”? They usually follow it to the letter and it can help to be aware of what’s to come and that it’s an age-old process and not your fault. They have to demonise the wife to justify their behaviour in their own mind. Don’t listen to a word of it - he’s just following his own rhetoric to cast you as the villain so he can remain validated in what he is about to do to his family. He sounds like a nasty piece of work 💐

How painful. I'm sorry. He clearly checked out a long time ago.

No, OP. He is not wanting to leave you. He is wanting to be with someone else more than he wants to be with you right now. There is so much truth in the old saying that men don't leave relationships like yours until they have got another one lined up. All you can do is tell him how you feel, that you don't want to split up, but ultimately you must let him go. Once he's gone, after experiencing his new life, there's the possibility that he will realise he misses his old life.

He might not have another woman now, that may well be the truth, but that doesn't mean there won't be one soon. Mentally prepare for that. He will no doubt be on the dating apps soon if he isn't already.
As ppp have said, it sounds like he has checked out. The coldness towards you is a way of minimising his guilt at leaving.

At this point, you need to let him go and concentrate on you and your kids.
Try to make sure he steps up properly where the kids are concerned. It shouldn't all be left to you.
You sound like a really strong, capable woman. You will survive this. He cheated before so is he really worth the heart ache?

I’m really sorry you are going through this. You love you DH unconditionally despite all the cheating, you adore him.
He’s not giving you a lifeline with how to save the marriage and he is adamant. Even if he doesn’t love you the way he’s told you and the coldness says alot. It’s like he’s got contempt for you and it’s nasty and affecting your mental state.

Moving back to where he was brought up - is that far away? That has huge implications for contact with your DC.
Do you think perhaps he has reconnected with someone from his past?
Is he having a MH breakdown as another option to consider- although even with a breakdown there can often be an OW or desire for a different kind of life to escape the one the person has.

No wonder you feel like you do - he has totally blind sided you and trampled all over your relationship, your heart and soul. I bet he is lying and hasn't felt this way for years!