Relationship after marriage breakdown and affair

[SunshineandShowers14]

Hello,

Last summer, my husband had an affair and left. We had been together for 17 years, married for 7 years and have one child. I thought we were happy, he was my best friend and we always got on well. We had been on our little one’s first holiday abroad just months before he left.

Gradually I started noticing changes; he became very secretive, was always on his phone and would disappear for whole weekends, blocking my number and leaving me to care for our child and dog alone. He would speak to me horribly and treated me awfully, which was completely unlike him. Eventually, I uncovered that he was seeing someone 200 miles away, writing love letters to her, sending her sex toys and taking her on trips to the theatre. When I confronted him, he said he had realised he didn’t love me anymore and he was leaving. When I was at work one day, he moved out all his stuff and left.

This all happened a year ago and it completely broke me. I didn’t see it coming, I still don’t understand it and I’m not sure I ever will. Deep down, I know I blame myself because I feel like I somehow caused it. I have a stressful job and I found first time parenting during a pandemic overwhelming.

Anyway, now I’ve met someone new and we’ve been getting to know each other but hereby lies my problem. How do I know if I’m ready? He’s so lovely and so patient and understanding but I keep doubting it. Not because of him I don’t think but because I’m still healing and I’m not sure I can go through another heartbreak like it. I had resigned myself to staying alone and I didn’t expect to feel this way about someone so soon. I worry about hurting my ex, even though he seemingly didn’t care about my feelings at all. I worry that I’m still in love with my ex husband and that it’s not fair on the guy I’m seeing. But then on the other hand I don’t want to punish myself forever for an affair I didn’t commit.

Help! Has anyone being through similar?

Thank You!

First of all, you did nothing to make your husband have an affair, that is all on him so you have no reason whatsoever to blame yourself. From what you've said he's an utter twat so you're much better off without him so you can move on with your life. And, frankly, I wouldn't give a shiny shite about hurting his feelings.

You have said yourself that your new man is very patient and understanding, that is even more reason to take it slowly at your own pace. There's no need to rush into anything and there's no reason to break off your new relationship because it might turn out to be the best thing that's happened to you for a long time.

Take your time and have fun with your new guy, you deserve it.

If you're still having big feelings like this regularly, you probably aren't in the right place to be starting a new relationship.

17 years is a long time to be with someone, and you will likely have forgotten a lot about who you are as an individual (what you like, what you need etc).

There are probably a million things that, given a blank sheet of paper, you would not put up with, but you're used to compromising with xDH. Be careful you don't automatically make those same compromises with new person.

You should take the time to get to a point where you know better (and like) who you are now, before you get involved with someone new.

Will be better for you, and better for whoever you choose to spend your life with.

Good luck!

Just continue to take it slowly op. A year on from a 17 year relationship is not a long time.

I wouldn't give up on the new man/relationship though. I've been dating on and off for a while and I've not experienced those feelings for anyone yet. I think it's rare.

Maybe ideally you'd completely 'heal' and then get into a new relationship but reality doesn't work like that.

Many years on from you I still don't feel totally over it sometimes. You can't put life on hold forever.

Good luck.