How to help DM and DS

[Jourl]

I'll start this by saying DM doesn't see her H as being abusive. But he controls her in every way and can be really nasty. He is very manipulative, controlling and I do wonder at times if he even feels any emotional but anger and smugness.

As a parent myself now I can see he is abusive and his behaviour is not okay. They first started dating when I was a teenager and I found his behaviour towards me awful but DM defended it saying I was a difficult teenager.

He has been treating my 18 year old sister the same way as he treated me. She hates him as I do too. I've always told my DS she can stay here with me, I've the room, but she doesn't want to be too far from 6th Form, her friends or her job so she stays at her boyfriend's as much as she can. DM doesn't agree with how H treats DS but she says she is unable to confront him and often defends H's behaviour too by saying DS is "hardwork" and that H does provide a lot and is stressed.

However, this has all come to a head during a family gathering over the weekend at a pub. H picked up and threw DS against a fruit machine and then proceeded to attempt to attack her whilst she was on the floor. Thankfully DS has long legs and was kicking out. DM intervened and H was kicked out by security. Security suggested DS press charges as there is CCTV footage. DS doesn't want to as she is worried about wider consequences of police involvement.

DS is now staying at her boyfriend's and plans to stay there for as long as is needed (again I've offered my place too).

DM went back home to H who has been calling DM's bluff saying for her to go to the police as the CCTV footage will show DS slapping H first etc and attempting to gaslight DM.

DM is seriously looking into a divorce as she is agreeing this behavior is never okay but is also suggesting H could change and if he does get help then she could stay.

However, surely H should move out whilst he works on himself so DS can move back somewhere safe? H won't leave though, he also runs his business from home too, has an office attached.

I suppose what I'm asking is, how can I support DS the best I can? Is there anything I can do for DM? What should she know about divorce etc? Also I'm pretty sure H has control over all technology and devices, I know he has planted hidden microphones previously.

If your mum's willing to go the police and legal route, she might be able to get an occupation order for the home and non-molestation order. But if not, as her husband, he has "home rights" and can live there up until the financial and legal side of a divorce is done.

To be honest, I wouldn't trust your mum to keep him out of the house even if she does go that route, not enough for your sister to move back safely.

The safest option for her would be to move in with you. But I guess you can't make her.

Your DSis may find the family home very stressful and difficult to be in as it is full of reminders of her step dad.

In the circumstances her being at her boyfriends is probably a very good thing at least in the short term. Her boyfriend will be able to support her and she will have a family environment to live in.

Keep in touch with her and offer whatever support you can. Being close enough to keep going to college is really important as well.

If she informs college then pastoral support will kick in. In a similar situation my DD was able to access counselling through them until her NHS counselling came through,

My DD was also very anxious as a result of the attack. Her GP was very helpful (this sort of situation is very common) and she was able to get anti anxiety drugs and also got emergency diazepam which helped with the nightmares.

It may take your mum some time to process what has happened.

It is also possible your DSus will not want to go to the family home again. My DD has been been back (once) but found it very stressful,

She may also have feelings of blame and resentment for your DM and not trust her to keep her safe.

I do agree that her returning home isn't a good idea if H is still there or has a chance of returning. I'll continue letting them both know I'm here for them and there's always space.

Is there any practical advice I can give my mum?

If he has planted hidden microphones etc and has been violent in public he is quite dangerous.

In your shoes I would be advising your mum not to confront him as if he gets violent against her in private it could end very badly indeed.

It is very hard to be in this situation as it's hard to admit to yourself that someone who you loved is capable of doing this.

I would make clear that she is always welcome to come to yours anytime of day or night and you are always happy to take phone calls.

If she is looking at divorce then if she or you have the money it is worth getting advice from a solicitor - I did and it was some of the best value money I have ever spent.

Encourage dsis to report and press charges
Better for her
Better for dm
Tell ds she cannot go back
School may assist with a plan

Your dm may be a lost cause but support your ds

Is ds taking a levels ?
There may be someone thru school eg teacher to offer a safe place to stay thru exams
She should not be forced into cohabiting with bf earlier than maybe planned

I've asked DS if she will let 6th Form know and that I'd support her if she reports to the police. However, she has said she won't do either because she doesn't want to force decisions for other people, she doesn't want our Mum to be forced into a police situation.

Telling school will not force a decision on your mum.

I believe that in theory they should inform SS but in similar circumstances we had no clear tact from them. I suspect it won't meet the threshold for SS involvement - your DSis is safe and has no plans to return,

It took my DD about 4 weeks to come round to telling college.

This sort of situation is very common.

Could you help DS access counseling privately OP? If she is not yet ready to speak to school or police about this maybe some time to examine her feelings with a therapist may help. I agree with the poster above that wrote that DS should not be rushed into living with a boyfriend because of this, I would worry that her step father being abusive and her DM not protecting her would lead to her being vulnerable to ending up in an abusive relationship herself. You both must feel so hurt and abandoned by your mother.

Should I perhaps inform 6th Form? I don't want to tred on her toes but she is still so young. Her boyfriend's parents are also advising her that she should report to the police.

I'm going to spend the day making the spare room into a proper room for her.

She's told 6th Form Head and is getting support from them too. DM isn't happy at all and keep defending H now and is taking everything personally rather than understanding DS' perspectives here.

I should just focus on DS shouldn't I now.

Yes, just focus on your sister. Help her to be safe and feel cared for, especially if she is just starting A level exams

Maybe reinforce with her that she isn't forcing your mum into police involvement. Her husband has done that with his behaviour!

Yes repeat to her that she is not responsible for this awful man's behaviour
Only he is
But police and cps exist to act on assaults
and she is not responsible for dm who is an adult
Who makes her own decisions
Fortunately ds is an adult now and can leave family home
Good luck

Your dm is an adult. Leave her to it. Shame it's you that is taking the protector role for your sister when it should be dm. But glad you sister has a decent role model.

Well in a shit turn of events, DM has now turned the family against me and it telling DS I'm manipulating her to cause DS to react this way to attempt to split up DM and H.

DS rang me in tears saying DM showed up to her BFs house. DM sobbed to DS that I'm manipulative and that DS should come home and H didn't do anything really and that DS started it all etc. DS feels very confused and vulnerable. I'm trying to reassure her that she didn't make any of this up, H and DM are gaslighting. CCTV footage doesn't lie and H wouldn't have got kicked out for no reason surely.

I do keep reassuring DS that none of this is her fault at all.

I've told her to consider requesting no on starts the conversation about what happened for a couple of days, so she can focus on her first lot of exams. I've said I'm here if she ever needs me but he has said she will continue to stay at her BFs for now. BF's parents do seem supportive, they've suggested taking this to the police and have helped her get what she needs over the past day. I do understand this isn't a long term solution.

Reassure her best to stay away for now and focus on exams.

Ah,

This is not entirely surprising.

The easiest way for people who are violent to justify the violence is to say that the other person deserved it. They often know they are in the wrong so they get their story out to friends and family first.

Your DM will know deep down what happened but it's easier to minimise and blame others than upend her whole life.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like the boyfriend's family are been very helpful and I'm glad that the school have been told.

Your sister will need support to help her remember what actually happened and not give in to the false narrative.

Hopefully your DM will not go round again.

Thank you for the replies. I do think how you've explained it @Octavia64 is what's happening.

Unfortunately DS now won't engage in conversation with me and has withdrawn from me, having returned back home. I'm unsure really what to do. She is 18 now but that is so young and I do want to make sure she is okay.

Last communication with her was in regards to how DM told DS not to talk to me as I'm manipulating her, I forwarded the CCTV recording to remind her that I'm not - that what happened did happen. I don't want to push her though into trusting me because then she might think I am manipulating her as DM is suggesting.

I just want to be there for her, I suppose all I can do is remind her I'm here if she needs.

If she is 18 and doing a levels presumably she is planning to go to university either this September or next?

It can be very hard to go to university without the financial support of your family.

You do get the maximum loan but it doesn't come close to covering your costs.

It's possible she has sat down and done a coldly rational cost benefit analysis - if I can manage to survive at home for the next few months I will be able to get through uni with mum and step dad supporting me.

If I don't then I risk having to drop out of uni due to lack of financial support/workibg so many hours in a part time job.

Your mum and step dad need a reason for her temporarily moving out to her boyfriends and now that she is back they can't blame her so it looks like you just got chosen to blame.

Step back a bit. Don't challenge whatever version of the "truth" they come out with and be aware that your sister may be going along with this because she sees no other choice.

Tell your sis that you'd love to see her and that she's always welcome at yours, or to phone you, day or night.

Chances are unless your sis is very very emotionally controlled and very careful it will happen again.

Thank you again for your support, appreciating having some one to talk to about this and sound out how to handle this.

Unfortunately she won't be going to university as she beleives she wont be able to function. She is quite high needs autistic so she is very dependent on others.

What you've suggested with just reminding her I'm here and taking a step back is the approach I've been thinking to take on this, so I am relieved to see it's being suggested by you too.

I'll just keep the spare room ready in case she ever needs it.

I do fear it will get worse at home, especially as H and DM do not fully accommodate DS. I'm worried as it was only last month she was talking about suicide because she was struggling so much at home.

I think you already understand that you can't help your mum. She is enabling the abuse of your sister. She may also be being abused, but she's supporting the abuse of your sister. It's very difficult because your sister is 18 and an adult, from a safeguarding perspective, though she's still in school and has no resources to support herself.

Your sister is a victim of domestic abuse, but has grown up in a home where this is denied and the finger is pointed at anyone who speaks out. I think you can only make sure she knows that whatever she decides to do now, she has a safe place with you and can come at any time. I would be absolutely clear with school and pass on information against her wishes that she's being abused. I would also encourage her to access support around domestic abuse. You will need to treat very lightly. The behaviour that you are currently on the receiving end of, will highlight to your sister what will happen to her if she yells the truth. Please consider seeking support for yourself. It's very stressful and difficult.

Thank you for all the advice on here.

Slightly changing my OP, I'm actually beginning to realise that I think M is a narcissist... my DH has said she is toxic since the beginning of our relationship.

I've now gone complete NC with her as this has really blown up into full gaslighting and she's got a smear campaign against me and DH for being there for my DS.

DS is trapped at Ms and is so confused right now I'm staying neutral and calm in all communications with everyone as I think that's best? I desperately want to tell DS and rest of family I beleive M is gaslighting and is not being good for DS by sweeping what's happened under the carpet and telling DS it was her fault etc. But I am unsure it's wise.

DH has asked for advice from his friend who is a police officer, he has said we should encourage DS to report but in the meantime the police can collect the CCTV and store it.