Is my marriage over and how should I feel?

[Okaythenboss]

I’ve been married 8 years with 2 young DC. I was completely in love with DH when we married and I think was naive about how much he would drink (I’m teetotal) or the moody spells he’d periodically go through. A few years into our marriage and with the birth of 2 DC I realize he’s a highly functional alcoholic and has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I supported him through rehab and therapy and for a while things seemed to be better but the last 6 months have been awful: he’s been aggressive verbally, belligerent, spends all day in bed for days on end, and seems emotionally checked out.

This year things all came to a head with his parent being diagnosed with cancer, the death of his closest aunt and some work pressures which led to a spiral. He’s been a nightmare to live with emotionally - feel like his emotional punching bag. I’m always on edge trying to anticipate his next mood and figure out how to work around it. I’ve had medical and work stress too which He has been mostly unsupportive in helping with.

We've been plodding along (some days better than others) but yesterday it blew up. I was running round cleaning, trying to organize DC for a trip and all he did was sleep. I didn’t even have time for a shower. I exploded and asked him to leave, he said he was sick of always being the one to go and I could if I wanted but must leave the DC.

I told him I’m taking them with me which I did to my parents where we spent the night. My parents and siblings are being a wonderful support but the strange thing is I feel almost on autopilot. I messaged his mother to tell him what had happened and she was sad but not really shocked. I called the nanny to tell her to come to my mums instead of our home.

We were in the process of buying a house. Ofcourse I still love him but don’t know if I can see a future. I can’t tell if this was just me doing a big gesture to hopefully wake him up or if my marriage is genuinely over. I’ve not cried a single tear and managed to think clearly: taking passports when I left, have access to my own plus joint money etc. Prepared all my work stuff for a busy week.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here. I suppose: how do you know it’s over? is this a blip in our relationship or is it the end? Have I set off a chain of events I may regret? How come I’m not crying? Thanks for reading, feels good to put it all down.

You don't need to decide now. You did the right thing going to your parents and taking time out. Your dh is a very difficult man and there is no way you can continue like this. For the moment take the time to relax, get some peace and rest and maybe see a counsellor who will help you decide on the next step. Don't be talked into going home by your dh as it will be all empty promises.

I'm going to hazard a guess you're feeling numb as you have been for a while without noticing, as you've spent so long repressing your own emotions while living in an unbearable state of high tension.

It's survival. What you have been through, living with an alcoholic is traumatic. An unstable person's emotions basically trump everything when you're tiptoeing around then, trying to make life feel normal for the sake of your DC, squashing your own emotions. It will probably take a while for you to feel safe enough to let go.

But then again, you also probably don't feel sad as day to day, your life will be immeasurably better without having to deal with him.

In your shoes I'd cut my losses and move on. Mourn the loss of what could have been, but accept it's not going to happen. Alcoholism is hugely damaging to families and your DH may be some way off rock bottom. Protect your DC and yourself from being dragged down with him. You weren't born into this world to be someone else's emotional punch bag.

Would you treat him the way he's treated you and expect him to stick around? Of course not.

Sending hugs to you.

Depression affects not only the person who is ill but also all those around. Add to this the alcoholism then I can understand the negative affect on u all. I was in a relationship where one day he was loving and attentive and the nct it was like talkin to a stranger. Soul destroying. Put yourself and ur children first. He must get professional help. U r not a counsellor. U will be ill too. I am.not telling u to leave your marriage, that is a choice that is your's to make if u deem it for the best. Take care OP.

Thanks so much. I think I’ve reread the posts so far four times. Didn’t sleep much last night but felt good to be in bed with DC and not around him. They are in a great mood and think it’s a big sleepover at their grandparents and their innocent positivity is making me feel so much happier and I’m control. I’ve done the school run, mum made me a lovely breakfast and I’m headed to work feeling strong. Again. Thank you @BCBird @junebirthdaygirl @sosickofbeingskint. I’m going to keep reflecting on your messages as I figure out what to do next.

Do consider talking to a BACP registered therapist on your own.

I would also consider talking to Al-anon as they are very helpful to those affected by another persons drinking. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been with you either. His thoughts center around drink and where the next drink is going to come from. You may love him or are codependent in this relationship but he loves alcohol more. He should have been the one to move out, it’s shocking on his part that he’s made you and his children leave. Use your time away from him wisely and plan your next move with care. I would not buy a house with him and I would also seek legal advice as a priority.

The 3cs of alcoholism is that you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. You supporting him through rehab only enabled him further and thus gave you a false sense of control.

You cannot help him but you can certainly help your own self and children here. Their dad’s alcoholism cannot become the cornerstone of their childhood nor should it be further a focus of your life. He could well go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards. That’s his choice.

Alcoholism is not called the family disease without good reason. Save yourself and your children from further misery at his hands due to his alcoholism.

Alcohol is a depressant and he’s likely to be self medicating. It sounds like he’s been doing that throughout the entirety of your relationship with him.

@AttilaTheMeerkat you’re so right. I felt so relieved and proud when he went through rehab. Like we had beaten this thing and somehow were better than the majority of relationships that fail because of alcoholism. It was such a false sense of security that I desperately wanted to cling to that I ignored the signs he was slipping back into his default behaviors and was obviously drinking again. I think you’re right. He’s always been like this but I just didn’t want to see. It sounds awful but I really regret marrying him. I did (and probably always will) love him and obviously so happy to have our DC but dealing with this shit is so bloody hard. I wish I’d just been a single mum from the get go. I almost wish I’d never met him. Ugh.

There is a bright future out there, where you and your DC have a happy life.

This is the hard bit, right now. But you can and will get through it. Bit by bit you'll rediscover yourself again, it will hurt less and your focus will shift to other things. Time really is a great healer.

For now, there are some practicalities to think of.

What's the status of the house, is it owned or rented? Who's name is on the papers?

What's in the joint account? Do you need access to that money to live on? If so, move what you need to your account before he moves it to his.

Thanks @sosickofbeingskint - needed to read that. Popped by the house to pick more clothes and stuff for myself and DC as I’d packed in a rush last night. I felt a bit weird, not exactly emotional being back in the house. And then felt really pissed that he was so selfish he’d actually let me and DC move out, mess up their routine etc. when HE was the reason for all of this. Focusing on the anger helped.

We are renting. I can afford the rent the house alone though we are joint tenants. I own a small flat which we can eventually move to that’s very close to my parents. I’ve got access to most of the joint finances and all of my own separate, I earn more than him and can look after the kids comfortably. I’ve got the passports and birth certificates and medical insurance cards.

He hasn’t cleared out our savings (yet) so I’ve contacted the bank to make arrangements so he can’t. I don’t think he’d try screw me over financially but I am preparing for anything. Feels better being angry and doing practical things than worrying about emotions, I’m sure those will come at some point. Managed a successful day full of calls and meetings. Feel proud of myself for that. Treated myself to some sushi for lunch.

Most important is DC are happy and still just think we’re on an extended sleepover at my parents. They’re only 5 and 3. Splitting up will be easier since they’re younger. I hope so anyway.

Thanks so much for taking time to respond. It’s helping keep me calm and focused more than you can imagine.

It sounds like you have your head screwed on and are doing all the right things.

FWIW, I think my sister should write a book on divorce. She had an awful break up, she didn't see it coming and didn't want to split at all. She was in a terrible state. But she consciously forced herself to do really healthy things, in a fake-it-till-till-you-make-it type approach. e.g she looked up old friends she'd fallen out of contact with while she'd been so focussed on her relationship. And she took time to do things that she couldn't have done when she was married - just simple things that she liked to do, that she couldn't always do with her ex around as he didn't like them, and she also forced herself to take new opportunities, when they arose.

And, bit by bit, things got better. Her ex is now very much in the past, and she's strong and herself again. And found a much more suitable partner, they're happy in a big country house with cats :)

It's probably way too soon to be thinking of this stuff, but I thought it worth mentioning in case you're like me and a planner, and need stuff to think about in the future.

FWIW I haven't been nearly so insighful in my past break-ups. I've wasted so many years of my life to relationships with alcoholics. But I did get out, in the end, and time did heal.

How are you getting on this evening? It's great your parents are about.

Do you have any RL friends you can speak to? I found speaking to my friends really helpful, once I stopped covering for my ex. Once I admitted what had been going on, it was like I'd broken a spell and things felt easier to deal with, which was surprising to me.

@sosickofbeingskint your sister is living the dream! Except in my dream there is no partner just me and my DC and cats 😄. I think too soon to even imagine being with anyone else, but I liked your advice to start imaging a future that is different but has peace. I think peace and predictability and normalcy is what I want the most right now.

I have had an awesome day. Super productive work wise - asked to lead on a big high-profile project - and being at my parents meant the DC are being entertained and having a great time so I can focus really well.

I told the nanny everything: she lives in for some of the week so was completely unsurprised and supportive as she’s seen what he can be like. She confessed she’d often wanted to tell me to leave, that she’d find the hidden empty bottles in the kids playroom etc. but didn’t think it was her place to say anything. To be fair even if she did I would’ve found a way to minimize or justify it. She’s the person I’m speaking to about this most in real life. I told my parents and sister the basics and now they’re focused on rallying round me and DC, helping and giving me space to work. Beyond the conversation we had last night they haven’t mentioned anything and are just behaving like it’s totally normal for me to be back in my childhood bed with 2 kids and a nanny in tow.

The nanny has been amazing by the way. I told her she didn’t need to stay (there is no space at my parents)but she left and came back with an air mattress and offered to sleep on the floor with DC so I can have some privacy and quiet in the box room/study. She’s promised to stay all week which is going to be a huge help. So strange that without him around I feel more supported and have more time to work properly. It’s so obvious now to me how little we were a team. I was just doing everything.

I FaceTimed with him so DC could say goodnight. He looked sad but tried to hold it together. He almost cried when youngest cheerfully said “I miss you papa! When are you coming to join the sleepover?”. Usually that sort of thing would make me emotional or sad but tonight I felt nothing at all. It was almost like he was a stranger. I’ve got a massive potentially career-defining month and I’m starting to realize focusing on that is so much more productive than if we were still plodding along and I had his half-arsed support which actually just holds me back.

Sorry for turning this into an essay 😅

Just realized I’ve never said any of these things out loud. Or even thought them clearly enough and long enough to put down in writing. I haven’t really told anyone outside of nanny and family. Partly because I’m not sure what to say or where to start. The main thing occupying my mind is the housing arrangement and what to do. What furniture to keep or sell because the flat is so much smaller than the house we’re renting. It will be cost though. And a new adventure. I think DC will be excited to share a room and have bunk beds.

You’re right @sosickofbeingskint I'm a planner so thinking of this sort of thing is keeping me sane on a level.

There is something terrifying and exhilarating thinking of my future. Maybe because the two emotions are so evenly balanced they end up being this numb nothing I feel. I don’t know. Anyway. Thank you! I’m doing good, I think. Thank you for checking in x

Wow, your nanny sounds truly incredible! It must be so good to know she's so solidly on your side. Especially as she has such a unique view of your family dymanic, having lived with you through this time.

Congratulations on the big project. It sounds like a really positive thing to focus on.

You and your parents sound lovely, what a lot of love and support your little ones have around them.

FWIW, I found out my neighbours were splitting up when their 8 year old excitedly told me about the new room she was getting!